A Safe Place To Be Visible

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notalone

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #405 on: August 20, 2020, 02:12:13 AM »
Sending care, Bach.  :bighug:

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Bach

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #406 on: August 20, 2020, 01:38:50 PM »
San and notalone, thank you so much for being there  :hug:  :hug: Everything hurts so much inside lately, no one knows because I look fine on the outside. I guess it's better that it isn't showing but the hidden despair is so lonely. Thank you for caring  :grouphug:

I am angry right now because I realised today that I don't think I have ever once actually changed a bad habit. Or, really, developed a good one that stuck properly. I have at times stopped doing something temporarily but I always end up regressing, or started doing something good and continued for a month or two, but then stopped. I'm thoroughly programmed for two conflicting things: survival and self-destruction. I don't know what to do with that but I wanted to write it down.

« Last Edit: August 20, 2020, 01:50:22 PM by Bach »

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sanmagic7

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #407 on: August 21, 2020, 04:54:19 AM »
hey, bach,

reading what you wrote, i thought of 2 things immediately that you are doing that are positive, constructive, and that both help yourself and others.  and that you are continuing to do.  one is the support and feedback you give to people here on the forum - for me, at least, hearing from you while i've been going thru rough times has been so wonderfully caring.  the second is that you continue to write in your journal, put your thoughts and feelings down here to share w/ others, and allow yourself the vulnerability to do that, to receive support and caring as well as feedback. 

to me, these 2 things are important, worthy, and valuable, and don't deserve to be overlooked.  maybe they're first steps, but i think they're very big ones.  i think you're making progress in the self-care arena by involving yourself here, both for yourself and others.  thank you for all that, and for being you.  i think you're great!  love and hugs :hug:

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Bach

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #408 on: August 23, 2020, 02:15:13 PM »
Thank you for the encouragement, san.  I've been feeling quite discouraged lately, and that positive feedback helps give me the will to stay on track.  In fact, writing this reminds me that today my morning was disrupted by my husband having to go out early today (which hasn't happened at all since March), and I haven't yet done the morning good habits I've been working on building.  I guess I'll go do them now.

Siiiiigh

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marta1234

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #409 on: August 23, 2020, 02:52:24 PM »
Sending you lots of support, Bach  :hug: I see the effort and the work that you put into your healing.  :)

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Bach

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Lots Of Whining
« Reply #410 on: August 29, 2020, 01:22:33 AM »
Thank you, marta :hug: 

I haven't been able to write in the past several days, because I am just OVERWHELMED.  I feel sad and discouraged and frustrated and sick and in pain and absolutely hopeless.  I feel like there is no point in even trying.  But I'm still trying anyway, because what else can I do? 

I feel like my life has been a waste.  That I am suffocating from the weight of all the wrong I've been all the years that I'm alive.  It doesn't even matter that I was never actually wrong, that I was cast into a role at birth by a mother who didn't want me, and the crazy was forced on me by her fear of competition.  It's not just me that was gaslighted (gaslit?).  My mother had everyone in the family convinced that I was a troublemaker, that I was crazy, that I was a pest and a problem and that there was something WRONG with me.  I remember she used to say that to me, "What is WRONG with you?", when what was wrong with me was HER.  Her resentment of me.  Her vendetta against the baby who had the temerity not only to be born, but to be born female.  The permanent state of fear and need that was thrust upon me by her abuse and neglect.  If you treated from birth as if you are a troublemaker, as if you are crazy, as if you are a problem, told endlessly that there is something WRONG with you, guess what, you end up acting crazy and causing problems and behaving like there is something WRONG with you! 

I keep thinking about all the relationships that were ruined and all the opportunities that were lost.  All the pain and confusion and rejection and failure and loss that never had to be.  All those years of it, an entire lifetime.  All the skills and talents I never developed, the career I never had, the children I never had.  The self I never had, and still don't have.  The empty shell that I am, unable to do anything unless someone else wants me to.  The lifetime I've spent keeping myself distracted and trying to stay safe, unable to motivate myself, unable to act, waiting around until someone wants me for something and I can come alive and feel valuable until they're done with me. 

Oh, the pain!  The pain and the grief and the empty howling void at the center of me.  Who could I have been, if I had been even so much as properly fed during the early years of my life?

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rainydiary

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #411 on: August 29, 2020, 01:39:18 AM »
Bach, your post really resonates with me as Iíve felt this way too.  And do feel this way to varying degrees most days.  I am reflecting on gaslighting in my life and also wondered how to make it past tense.  I appreciate you articulating your experience because I havenít been able to put these feelings into words yet. 

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sanmagic7

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #412 on: August 29, 2020, 07:11:15 PM »
dear bach, please remember, this, too, shall pass.  other forum members have written this to me and it's helped, so i'm passing it along to you.  hang tough, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs :hug:

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Bach

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #413 on: August 30, 2020, 04:17:14 PM »
I have begun to develop an understanding of what is Self and what is parts. I can't write about it too much because the parts are too scared. I am also starting to understand what parts are vs what Inners or Youngers are. Inners are representations of stages of my life roughly delineated by chronology and specific traumatic events, and parts separate from continuous consistent Self come from each of those Inners. This seems key.

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Snowdrop

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #414 on: August 30, 2020, 05:32:13 PM »
This sounds really significant, Bach :yes:.

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sanmagic7

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #415 on: August 30, 2020, 07:01:44 PM »
wow!  amazing insight! :hug:

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notalone

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #416 on: August 30, 2020, 07:13:06 PM »
Bach, those sound like significant insights. Sending you lots of care.  :grouphug:

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Blueberry

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #417 on: August 30, 2020, 08:09:24 PM »
 :yeahthat:  :cheer:  :hug:

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woodsgnome

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #418 on: August 30, 2020, 11:21:02 PM »
 :applause: Hi Bach -- those are good signs, and it's cool to see the perspective coming in a bit clearer for you. May these new directions continue for you, past the scary places into the new sunshine.  :sunny:

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Hope67

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #419 on: August 31, 2020, 10:45:55 AM »
Hi Bach,
Also sending you lots of care, and I also acknowledge lots of insights there  :cheer: :hug:
Hope  :)