A Safe Place To Be Visible

[marta1234]

Bach, what you wrote resonated with me so deeply, and I wish I could sometimes just shout that from the rooftops with you (if you ever want to). It is horrible what you never had. I'm sending you love and warmth your way, and I'm very glad that you've found your way with your parts. No pressure at all, but acknowledging it at all is a win for me
we're here for you Bach. You're not alone in this.

[Bach]

I've been struggling for a while.  I feel stuck and unable to progress because I am impatient to heal and every time I feel that something has given me a little bit of progress I start trying too hard and investing too much hope, and then the parts of me that are convinced that we have to be sick to be safe get overwhelmed by the possibility that maybe we don't. 

I'm super fed-up with doing psychoanalysis on the phone.  I'm wondering about the possibility of finding an IFS therapist.  Lots of scary things in that idea.

[Not Alone]

Hi Bach. Sounds like you are pretty frustrated. I'm still doing therapy via internet, and am so anxious to get back to seeing my therapist face to face. My therapist is trained and experienced in IFS and I do find it helpful.

[sanmagic7]

i get that impatience to be moving forward or just be done with all this!  ugh!  every setback gets so frustrating and it wears me out.

i do hope you find what you're looking for in a t - i'm sure it would be helpful.  best with all of it.  love and hugs, my dear

[Tee]

  Bach I hear what your saying. I uncover a new bit or start to process something. Then my brain spins it around and around in my head with flashbacks and all trying to put pieces together.  My parts don't like and neither do I really.  Part of me want to just say yep I had a really messed up life to this point can I please just move on.  But that's not how my brain works.

I feel your pain Bach.  Sending you a big hug of understanding. I hope you can find a T that can see you in person and help you better.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I just popped by to send you a hug, 
Hope 

[Bach]

notalone, san, tee, and Hope, thank you for your good thoughts and hugs and encouragement.  I'm still really struggling, but I'm keeping my nose just above the water line.  At the moment, I'm so-far-today-successfully wrestling down my urges to binge on drugs and sweets, and not-yet-successfully trying to wrangle up the fortitude to call some therapists.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sending you a lifebelt to help keep you afloat. Well done for resisting those urges. Thinking of you.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Bach]

Snowdrop and san, your replies are as always deeply appreciated

I did manage to not binge or smoke on Wednesday when I wrote the above, but I haven't done so well with that since then, and I still haven't called any therapists.  Maybe tomorrow.  It's always maybe tomorrow, isn't it?

I hate everything right now.  I was supposed to visit with Other today but he hurt his back and could not come.  Then I got blocked on messenger by my poor schizophrenic friend in California.  She thinks I have turned against her.  That's a huge can of emotional worms there, that is.  Can't even write about it, it's so confusing and painful.  So trying to make the best of the day, I went on a walk with my Person.  As it's a nice day and I've been working on my physical activity level, I planned a relatively long walk, and that shouldn't have been a problem, but along the way we got into a conversation with some people who have a big vegetable garden in their front yard.  That started out being good, the people were really nice and it was an interesting conversation about something for which I have great enthusiasm.  So then what?  Well, socialising takes energy, and I only have a limited amount of that.  When I realised that I was getting into trouble with it, I started trying to wrap up the conversation so that we could be on our way, but my Person was really into it and by the time I was able to get us out of there with an acceptable level of grace and politeness, I was pretty much spent and still had to walk all the way home.  That happens quickly.  It makes me feel so pathetic and weak and useless.  Now I'm just exhausted and miserable.  I want to cry, but I can't.  Literally, physically can't.  I have to just sit here and stew in my stress chemicals.

[Not Alone]

Well, socialising takes energy, and I only have a limited amount of that. 

I relate to this. When things are more difficult, surface socialization is exhausting to me.

[sanmagic7]

i'm right there with you, bach, on the amount of energy it takes to socialize, even when it's something/someone you like or are interested in. I don't see it as weak/pathetic/useless tho (at least not on my stronger days - sometimes i'm so spent i can nosedive, too). we have been through the wringer in more ways and for a longer time than anyone should ever have had to be, and we've used up so much energy just to survive, there really isn't a lot left over for some of the niceties of life sometimes.

i hope you can find compassion for yourself as you do for others when they've undergone something similar.  i think you did a great job hanging in there for the sake of another, even when you could feel yourself fading. i also hope you've found some time to rest and re-charge.  sending love and a hug filled with care.

[Tee]

 

[Bach]

I feel like giving up. Not sure how to find the strength to go on. I'm worn out from this lifetime of threat and fear and I don't want to do it anymore. Will it ever get better or will it just get worse and worse and worse until I die?

[Rani]

Dear Bach,

Im sorry if I'm invading your Diary from nowhere.. sorry you are feeling that way, I Do relate to those, if I may say : Apocalyptic mind states. I'm listening and sending support

Rani