A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Tee]

  I'm glad that you are venturing out small steps. I'm glad you are able to work with your contractor. 

[Bach]

Tee 

[Tee]

  thanks for the hugs how did the face turn out?

[Bach]

Tee, when I was at the studio on Monday, she had not been fired yet.  I was going to go yesterday, but I had too much to do and didn't have the energy.  So I'm hoping to go tomorrow.  Thank you for asking!

It turns out that I have Thanksgiving plans after all!  The mother's husband took ill a few days ago and is in the hospital, so she cancelled Thanksgiving at her house.  My brother and I had originally thought that it was too late to plan a get-together, so we agreed to do a sort of substitute Thanksgiving some time in December, but my niece and nephew were really upset by the thought of not having proper Thanksgiving dinner on the real Thanksgiving day.  That was rather eye-opening.  We didn't know they cared.  I guess for the past several years, my brother and I have been too preoccupied with the drama of dealing with a holiday with the mother to notice that somewhere in there we managed to create some positive family Thanksgiving traditions that mean so much more than we realised to the kids.  This makes me feel vindicated in my insistence these past few years that giving the kids a sense of family was important enough that I should suck it up and deal with my mother instead of skipping Thanksgiving dinner so I wouldn't have to.  The weird part of all this is that this morning, I feel just as jumpy and anxious and burdened as I would if the mother was going to be there today.  I'm sure I'll relax later, but right now I'm fighting off urges to medicate.

Since I wrote the mother the email telling her I was willing to correspond via email, we have exchanged a couple of letters.  I'm actually really happy about this.  So far I am getting what I want from it.  I am laying groundwork to tell her my truths in ways that will acknowledge her trauma without excusing her from causing mine.  The key factor for me to succeed at doing this will be keeping to my boundaries.  She is already asking to see me, and although I won't rule that out as a future possibility, it sure isn't happening yet. 

Got to get ready to go to my brother's now.  I'd really like to express my gratitude for this community and all the great people here, for listening, for sharing, for supporting, for working so hard to heal, for everything, but this is another one of those things where my fear of expressing my positive emotions blocks my words.  So...yeah.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I just wanted to wish you the best for today.   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

 

I hope it goes well, my friend.

[Tee]

  Bach that's awesome.  I'm glad you are getting to go spend time with your family. Good luck enjoy the traditions you helped create.

[sanmagic7]

bach, i thought you expressed yourself quite well - your words were lovely. 

boundaries are so important, and i applaud you for making that a priority .  i think this whole area can be one of the most difficult because, not only have ours been trampled on over and over, but we were also made to feel bad, rude, and selfish for having a holding our boundaries.  well done!

hope you had a lovely day and all went smoothly.  love and hugs, my dear

[Not Alone]

Glad you are feeling more comfortable with the architect. Wonderful that you had Thanksgiving with "safe" family. Let us know how that face turns out.

[Bach]

Thank you so much for your wishes and hugs, everyone   I'm happy to tell you that Thanksgiving was a lot of fun, and Face made it through the kiln.  The next challenge there will be glazing, something that I never enjoyed or was very good at.  Hopefully, my excellent teacher will have some good guidance. 

My anxiety is very high today.  I have confidence that I can cope.  Managing my energy and eating responsibly will be key.

[Tee]

  glad she made it. I'm sure she you will make it beautiful. Glad you had a good day.

[Snowdrop]

That's good news about Face.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I am glad you enjoyed Thanksgiving, and that Face made it through the kiln, that is great news!  I hope the glazing will go ok. 
Sending you a hug, 
Hope 

[Bach]

Tee and Snowdrop and Hope, thank you so much for the kind words and hugs 

Today I was confronted with the fact that it is put-up-or-shut-up time to set a boundary with my mother.  I need to tell her that I am willing to correspond but not willing to see her, and I need to decide whether or not I'm willing to explain myself.  Last year I wrote a letter to her that explained from the perspective of having learned about CPTSD why I didn't feel safe seeing her.  I was thinking about how for a while I really wanted to send her that letter, and was almost hoping for an excuse to do it.  So I looked at that letter, thinking I might use a bit of it, and I got hit with some really confused and unpleasant feelings.  Just reading that letter made me feel toxic with fear. 

The idea of telling her my truths was the whole point of my establishing contact.  In our correspondence so far, I have already raised the subject of CPTSD and mentioned some of the things I'm doing to make my life better.  I find myself not wanting to try to explain too much about how it directly pertains to my life and our relationship.  I'd really like for her to look into CPTSD and ask me to discuss it with her, especially because clearly she did to me what was done to her.  So I want to simply acknowledge her request to see me and tell her I would prefer to keep it to correspondence for now without explaining myself, but that feels terrifying too.

[Jazzy]

Hey Bach, sorry things are so difficult. Stay strong, you can do it!