A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Armee]

 

It is perfectly understandable that you would feel that way given what she has done to you.

[dollyvee]

Really heavy stuff in therapy today when I realised that part of me wants to torment that bloody woman emotionally, and that if I gave into that urge I would know exactly how to push her buttons, and worst of all, that if I did push those buttons, it would do what no amount of empathy or kindness ever will:  Make her want my attention.

HI Bach,

I relate to this and thanks for sharing. It's such a deep part of us that's connected to our mothers. No matter what my mom did, it was like there was some part of me that was always connected and I couldn't escape that feeling or make it better. After she died, I did feel kind of free and it's like that part was gone.

dolly

[Not Alone]

Really heavy stuff in therapy today when I realised that part of me wants to torment that bloody woman emotionally, and that if I gave into that urge I would know exactly how to push her buttons, and worst of all, that if I did push those buttons, it would do what no amount of empathy or kindness ever will:  Make her want my attention.

That deep ache to have mom see. . .  I hear you. It makes me sad that you and your Parts are feeling that anguish.

[sanmagic7]

heavy stuff, indeed.  that was quite a realization - you're showing your courage and your strength.  we're with you,  love and hugs, bach

[Bach]

Hi everybody  I'm still around. Just not doing well at all. Struggling to retain hope that things can get better again. My mother is a problem no matter what I do and it makes my entire being hurt. I can't put the genie back in the bottle 

The hardest thing is knowing that I didn't make a mistake, haven't done anything foolish, was not wrong in thinking that I needed to confront the reality of her. I just didn't know how bad it would be or how unable I would be to keep Middle B with me instead of out there in my personal ether running around in terror and confusion, trying not to scream, trying to figure out how to make it stop.

[sanmagic7]

bach,   i'm glad you know you did nothing wrong - i think that's major.  unfortunately, doing the right thing for ourselves, taking care of ourselves, is not part of the agenda of others, and they react  in the worst ways possible.  hang tough, bach - i'm hanging right beside you.  we'll get thru this together.  sending love and a hug with a built-in safety net to catch you if you feel like you're falling too far.

[Bach]

My entire being is a raw nerve.  Every molecule of me aches with the sheer existential agony of me-ness.  Is this the price of connecting to my body?

[Hope67]

 

[Blueberry]

 

[Armee]

 

It isn't you or Middle Bs fault that nothing will change with your mother. There's only one person who holds responsibility for that and it is her. She won't change. I'm relieved that death finally brought an end to me eternally trying to fix stuff or be good enough or to figure out how to resolve and repair things. She never changed. She was never going to change. Facing death head on with full knowledge it was coming fast did nothing to change her not even with her grandkids. Sad as heck but I'm glad to no longer have to wonder what the magic fix is, all the while falling into the same horrible space that is engulfing you right now.

Bach. I'm sorry. There's nothing you can do. Leaving her in the past as soon as you can is where you can find the most relief. I couldn't do it m, so I understand if you can't either. but I also knew the whole situation had an expiration date. If I had a crystal ball and knew it was going to last another 2 years I would have had to walk away. I couldn't have handled it. As it was it was breaking my brain and body.

[Not Alone]

My entire being is a raw nerve.  Every molecule of me aches with the sheer existential agony of me-ness.  Is this the price of connecting to my body?

I can relate to that feeling; it is awful. When I feel similar, my weighted blanket sometimes helps. Sometimes I need to take some meds to take the edge off. I'm sorry it is so hard, Bach. 

[rainydiary]

Bach, I can relate to the feeling of being made all of raw nerve.  There are some things like you describe that hurt so much.  I will be here thinking of you and offering you what feels supportive in this moment.

[sanmagic7]

i've been there, too, with the raw nerve feeling, bach.  here's some soothing salve in the form of a healing light to help calm those nerves.  (if that doesn't sound right for you, please ignore, ok?)  in the meantime, know you are cared about and supported by folks here.  sending love and a gentle hug

[Bach]

Hope, Blueberry, Armee, Not Alone, rainy, san, thank you so much for your responses.  Your thoughts and empathy so caringly expressed really touch me.  They scare me, too, but it’s the healthy kind of scared, the kind of scared you can only feel when you know that there are things that are worth the pain of believing in.

My mental health is an absolute disaster right now.  I have some practical life stresses going on right now that are too scary and overwhelming to try to write about, and also of course ever present is the pain of existing in a world with my mother in it.  I have thoughts that torment me and I can’t write them down because it’s too overwhelming.  I don’t want to write at all right now but I can’t tolerate how I’m feeling, and I’m hoping to get a shift, some kind of relief or just something DIFFERENT by writing.  I’m having severe physical consequences for having spent three days inappropriately medicating my stress and tormented thoughts with weed and pills and sugar.  Today I have been somewhat more responsible, so if I can get through the night with no more bad behaviour, things might be a little easier tomorrow.

Somatic experiencing tomorrow, my fourth session.  I really hope this therapist can help me.

[Not Alone]