A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Bach]

The other problem with trying to engage with the rest of the forum is that after having been alone with this forever without even knowing what it was, reading all this stuff is kind of overwhelming.  I'm so off balance. 

I'm going on a five day cruise tomorrow and it will be great timing to take a break from cogitating.  No devices for five days, which will be awesome.  I was going to bring a notebook in my luggage in case I wanted to write, but that's just pressure and an invitation to wrapped up in my own head.  I used to draw and paint as a kid before the burden of my mother's desire for her unwanted child to be a prodigy at something stamped out all my confidence, and I want to experiment with getting back to that.  So I'm going to bring coloured pencils and drawing paper instead. 

[Tee]

That's awesome have fun!

[Bach]

Cruise was awesome, if also physically exhausting.  Now I'm at home and flailing to get back to my routines.  I'm ornery and scattered and my body is out of sync with all the good stuff I do my best to impose on it day in and day out to fumble and grasp towards something loosely labelled "health."  I took actually pretty darned good care of myself on the ship and my food indulgences were very moderate compared to past vacations, but then the vacation laxness with regard to food spilled over into yesterday, the first day at home, and now I'm teetering on the precipice of utter food-behaviour chaos.  This must not happen.

I have already made a decision to take care of myself by getting back to a sleeping schedule, working out with my strength trainer on our regular day next week, and not scuttling the rest of July by going to see OP too far away too late at night.  Even though I so, so long to see them and I so crave that particular hug.  And fear their woundedness when I say No.

[Three Roses]

Welcome home, glad your cruise was awesome. Wondering if you had time to do some drawing with your pencils.

[Bach]

Welcome home, glad your cruise was awesome. Wondering if you had time to do some drawing with your pencils.

Thank you for asking about that, TR!  I didn't do any drawing on the cruise.  I tried to do some this morning, sat on the front stoop and tried to draw some flowers, but it was really hard for me to loosen up and stop worrying about how it looks stupid and I don't know how to see.  I miss the class I took for six weeks because going there meant I HAD to do it even if I didn't feel like I could, and the teacher did a good job of creating a positive and supportive atmosphere that made it easier to overcome my fear of not being good enough.  I look forward to taking more classes with her but I don't know when she'll be offering them again.  I wish I didn't have so much anxiety around drawing and painting because I really want to do it.  I feel like maybe if I could get through all the pain and reticence something good could come out.

[Not Alone]

Bach, glad you were able to enjoy your cruise.

[Bach]

I feel especially lonely lately because I was recently kicked out of a chat group I was part of in one form or another for 15 years.  I wasn't really told what I'd done to deserve that, but I do have some history with one member of the group that apparently was not left in the past as I'd believed it was.  Honestly, I kind of stopped really belonging in that group when it moved on from its original form all those years ago when it started as a community a bit like this and went onto Facebook, but it hurt a lot that they would just get rid of me without even giving me a hearing after all these years, completely contrary to what had always been discussed as the informal but essential ground rules of the group. 

I found out about Complex PTSD as a result of this rejection, so I'm looking at this as yet another painful but necessary step in my growth as I seek to fix my broken self, in a life where all lessons have been cataclysmic and painful, but all so far withstood and learned from as I stay in the fight.

[Tee]

 

[Blueberry]

  to you Bach.

[Three Roses]

That's one reason I love this forum. Nothing ever happens as far as moderating posts or people that isn't clearly spelled out in the Guidelines. Makes me feel safe, or at least as safe as I can feel. 😉

[Bach]

Tee, notalone, Blueberry, Three Roses  

Thank you for your replies in my threads.  I'm still working through the renewed/exacerbated fear (terror, really) of connecting with anyone in light of my frightening new understandings of my life's fundamental dilemma, but I so appreciate your presence and compassion.   

Having clearly spelled out guidelines is terrifying in its own way, because I so fear that I will misunderstand something, or be misunderstood.  I often feel that there is simply no way for me to guard against that no matter what efforts I or the other party bring to the table.  Another thing I guess I just have to find a way to live with.

Today is a really bad day.  I sent the letter to PP via email on Saturday night, and I felt good about it all weekend.  But then this morning they sent me a text in which they did not acknowledge anything I said in the email at all, except to tell me that they think my "travel logic is faulty," because blah blah, but it's my choice.  So I explained in a reply text why the blah blah part matters, included reassurance of wanting to see them, and restated the boundary.  To which I got a terse reply of "Fine."  I know that "Fine" in PP's voice.  I can hear them saying it in my head every time I think about it.  OH HAI trauma reaction.  But I am leaving it alone.  I will not respond.  I will not engage.  Most of all, I will not try to placate.  PP can be angry if they want, and they can get over it, or not. 

I'll wait.  Over here, with my trauma reaction.

I MUST take care of myself today.  I have not yet eaten or taken supplements today and I really need to go do that.  But I don't want to.  Not yet, anyway.  Maybe soon.

[Three Roses]

I am leaving it alone.  I will not respond.  I will not engage.  Most of all, I will not try to placate.  OP can be angry if they want, and they can get over it, or not. 

In recovery groups, the word "fine" is translated as f'd up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. 

[Bach]

I am leaving it alone.  I will not respond.  I will not engage.  Most of all, I will not try to placate.  PP can be angry if they want, and they can get over it, or not. 

In recovery groups, the word "fine" is translated as f'd up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. 

That's PP, all right. 

And me.

Hey, that thing where I'm getting a trauma reaction from hearing them say "Fine" in my head, is that an emotional flashback?

[Blueberry]

Having clearly spelled out guidelines is terrifying in its own way, because I so fear that I will misunderstand something, or be misunderstood.  I often feel that there is simply no way for me to guard against that no matter what efforts I or the other party bring to the table. 

Here you won't be thrown out for misunderstanding something or being misunderstood. Kizzie or I pm you explaining something you may have done wrong first of all. If the behaviour persists, Kizzie will move up to a warning. Some members do get banned, but not without advance notice that something is amiss!

Feeling that there is "simply no way for me to guard against that no matter what efforts I ... bring to the table" sounds as if it might be something out of your past, an emotional flashback (EF).

[Three Roses]

Hey, that thing where I'm getting a trauma reaction from hearing them say "Fine" in my head, is that an emotional flashback?

I think yes! Here's some more info on EFs, if you want - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm it's long but def worth it. At the bottom are some things to do to counteract an EF.