A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Three Roses]

You are not too much. 

I think all of Us here have received that message throughout our lives. You won't hear it here. 

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I'm glad you're writing in your Journal and I agree with Three Roses, that you are NOT too much.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok - and just wanted to say I'm glad you're here.   
Hope 

[Tee]

  I'd write more but I'm going through alot right now too so all I can manage at times is a hug so you know I've read it and am here to show support.

[Blueberry]

You are not too much. 

I think all of Us here have received that message throughout our lives. You won't hear it here. 

You are definitely not too much! 

Sometimes the most helpful thing can be to describe what happened in the past, what the abuse or neglect was. Most usually somebody on here will understand because of having gone through something similar. Validation of our feelings and experience is very important because we often weren't validated growing up in our FOOs.

[Bach]

Another very rough day. I had therapy today, and talked about the emotional flashbacks I kept having yesterday after what happened when I wrote about my heat panic. Right now they are not even flashbacks, it's more like a part of me is fully living and feeling as Little B. Little B's feelings are tiny and sad and unaware of even the concept of hope, feelings of blankness and loneliness and lack of attachment, of not mattering and almost not even existing when I wasn't being casually traumatised by the careless cruelty of my scapegoating family. Of not belonging. Never, no matter what, belonging.  That's where my emotional self is stuck right now. It kept me awake last night. I tried some calming strategies but gave up pretty quickly and klonopinned myself to sleep when it was clear they weren't working. I don't sleep well on drugs, but it's better than lying awake for hours smothering under that sad little B feeling. I'm kind of afraid the same thing will happen tonight. Hopefully not. I'd better get my klonopin scrip renewed though. I only use it when I absolutely have to, but I've been having to a lot lately.

Lovely people, all of you, thank you for the understanding  and reassurance and hugs. They are difficult to tolerate right now but it would be even more difficult to tolerate living through this without your kindness.

[Three Roses]

Kind thoughts to you, dear Bach. Sorry you're having a hard time rn. Here's a gentle  for you if you want it.

[Not Alone]

You are not too much. 

I think all of Us here have received that message throughout our lives. You won't hear it here. 

You are definitely not too much! 

Sometimes the most helpful thing can be to describe what happened in the past, what the abuse or neglect was. Most usually somebody on here will understand because of having gone through something similar. Validation of our feelings and experience is very important because we often weren't validated growing up in our FOOs.

This is a place to share and you are accepted. I'm sorry you are dealing with flashbacks and feelings of loneliness. Sending you a hug; as much as you can tolerate and that feels safe to you.

[Tee]

 :hug:I hope your day has gotten better.

[Bach]

Putting this here for accountability and reminder: When I'm medicating more than three or four times a day and starting first thing in the morning that is crossing over from "medicinal" to "compulsion" and it's time to dial it back.


Love and good wishes to all on this sweltering Sunday 

[Bach]

I had a good weekend up to a point.  On Saturday morning I was at the swimming pool, and realised that for the first time in several days I was able to think about myself as a child without getting upset.  Then yesterday, I had a fun day with My Person that I really enjoyed, and I was feeling good about myself, so of course I ended up doing something to undermine myself.  I usually do not allow myself to eat after about 8pm, or 9pm at the absolute most occasional latest, but last night some time after 9pm I gave in to a snack attack.  I've been doing unusually well with avoiding that lately, and it hasn't even been that difficult, so I think I sort of thought I could get away with it, or maybe I just didn't really think at all.  I woke up out of sorts, a totally predictable result.  So I was girding myself to deal with not feeling very well and making a plan to get immediately back on track with my responsible eating so I didn't spiral, but my seeking of mental and physical health was complicated by a phone call from Problem Person.  I was calm and non-reactive most of the way through that conversation even though Problem Person did that thing again where they asked me to do basically the same thing I refused to do last time and presented the same arguments for why I should, as if dismissing entirely that there was any validity to the calm, unemotional and non-contentious explanation I gave last time of why I had set that boundary.  But then Problem Person started pulling another one of the weird little head trips that I have sworn to myself not to let them get away with next time they tried it, and so I had to jump in right away to set that boundary.  Fortunately, I've had it in my mind for a while, so I knew what I wanted to say and was able to deliver it calmly despite the sick anxious adrenaline surge.  I then managed to get off the phone without getting too deep into the urge to fawn/placate/seek reassurance.  But the adrenaline from the trauma reaction messed me up pretty badly, as it does, and I had to get out of the house because My Person was there and I just could NOT with them right then.  My Person is awesome.  I love and depend on them and would not still be here without them, but sometimes they are just too big and whole for some of the jagged little broken parts of me.  No one person can be everything for someone as fragmented as I am.

Anyway, I got out of the house and did some errands which was good, and then got myself an iced coffee, and then it was time for therapy.  It's talk therapy.  I go twice a week, and it doesn't really feel like enough, but it's also awful, so draining and painful with all this new light being shed on old darknesses.  I started out by talking about how I had fallen down on the responsible self-care job with the semi-binge last night (it was really very modest for a binge, there was a time when those amounts of those foods would have been "I did pretty well with not bingeing today!"), and ended up talking about my mother not liking to see me happy when I was a child.  So after therapy, I got My Person to go grocery shopping with me because I still did not want to be in the house.  The grocery shopping was weirdly soothing, and I thought maybe I'd be okay after that, but no, as soon as we were back in the house, more anxiety and discomfort and fighting to keep it together, and succeeding at keeping it together, but ugh.  Enough already.  I am so tired.

[Tee]

  hang in there you can do it Bach.

[Bach]

Tee Thank you

[Not Alone]

Bach, I hear that your anxiety and distress is frequent (almost continuous?) and a battle to keep under control. So hard and exhausting.
Good job keeping calm and keeping your boundaries with your problem person. That is a big deal.

[Bach]

Bach, I hear that your anxiety and distress is frequent (almost continuous?) and a battle to keep under control. So hard and exhausting.
Good job keeping calm and keeping your boundaries with your problem person. That is a big deal.

Thank you, notalone.  Problem Person came at me again last night and again I stayed calm and did not engage.  It's so hard, but I have no choice because I love Problem Person too much to allow them to continue to hurt me.  For many, many years, I gave Problem Person a lot of slack because I understood their damage and because even when we were both going through bad stuff they still at least did their best to listen and communicate when it really mattered.  But last year Problem Person and I had an incident in which we crossed each other up worse than we ever have in 25 years with what I now know were trauma reactions, and nothing has been the same since.  Problem Person no longer wants to communicate with me, they just want me to serve their needs and to take it as rejection and blame me when I cannot.  I guess now Problem Person has been consumed by the trauma and narcissism and has lost the part of themself that used to be willing to seek a better way to live and to treat their loved ones.  Problem Person has always been a problem person, but they used to also be a Sweet Person, sometimes a Helpful Person, and always a Person Who Was Worth Dealing With Even Though It Was Sometimes Painful.  I feel so sad remembering and missing that.

[Three Roses]

I'm sorry for your sadness at the loss of how this relationship felt in the past. 

I heard a great quote today (I'm always quoting someone haha) - anyway, here it is, from Karamo Brown of the Netflix show QE:

Do an inventory on the people in your life, because some of your Day One friends have been hating on you since Day Two. Invest your time in people who love and support you. Remember, it's about quality, not quantity. ~ Karamo Brown.

Bravo to you for holding your ground and acting in your best interests.