A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Three Roses]

[Bach]

I identified another weird trigger.  I have a meditative practise that I try to do every day, and I use it to either soothe myself or to help me focus my thoughts on positive goals.  But sometimes, when I become too consciously aware that it feels right and is working well for me, distracting thoughts start to creep in.  When that happens, I always try to dismiss those thoughts and continue with the rhythm.  Sometimes I am able to do that fairly easily, but tonight I realised that if I push that too hard, catastrophising thoughts start to creep in, and then my practise becomes emotionally counterproductive.  So I have decided that it is far more important for me to stop before I start having to work too hard to ignore the distracting thoughts than it is for me to continue my session for a set amount of time as I have always tried to do. 

Everything is so hard!

[Not Alone]

Yes, everything is so hard. Good realization about what sometimes happens during your meditation and making a decision to stop before or when the catastrophising thoughts sneak in.

[Snowdrop]

Noticing that and making the connection is good awareness. Sounds like a good decision.

[Jazzy]

Its really great that you're able to make that realization. Even though it can be tough, I agree with you. Sometimes it is best to stop before things get too bad. Its okay to do that. Take care!

[woodsgnome]

Yes, you seem to be finding your own way with regards to meditation.

Sometimes the 'instructions' seem fine and straightforward, but I've found it rarely works as promoted. Meditation does open up space, and it's like one's inner critic will eagerly rush to fill the void. At least that's where I get stuck; then I feel even dumber for having tried to follow someone else's way, and not my own. I sense you're dealing with the same.

As has been noted, kudos  to you for realizing this, and being willing to make adjustments. I hope this will allow greater peace to flow into the void, instead of tension. 

[Chris336]

Hi Bach,

Good noticing! I don't think meditation is an unusual trigger for those with cptsd.

Yesterday I came across this book in the resources section,
Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness by David Treleaven.

I haven't read the book, but just the existence of it, and its description, helps me realize that I'm not alone when it comes to not being as calm and relaxed as one might expect with meditation practices.

Here is a quote from the book's description:

Drawing on a decade of research and clinical experience, psychotherapist and educator David Treleaven shows that mindfulness meditation—practiced without an awareness of trauma—can exacerbate symptoms of traumatic stress. Instructed to pay close, sustained attention to their inner world, survivors can experience flashbacks, dissociation, and even retraumatization.

If this can happen during mindfulness practices, then I doubt it's weird that during your practice, when you become more consciously aware that it feels right and is working well, that is when distracting and catastrophizing thoughts come up.

-"Chris"

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you for highlighting this issue.   I've tried and struggled with meditation.   It's reassuring to know that others have struggled too.

[Blueberry]

So I have decided that it is far more important for me to stop before I start having to work too hard to ignore the distracting thoughts than it is for me to continue my session for a set amount of time as I have always tried to do. 

Bach, I know well that feeling that everything is so hard! But as others have said  on noticing what you have about meditation and on stopping before it gets too hard. That is forward progress!

Not wanting to hijack your Journal Bach, I posted what I've experienced to be helpful ways of meditating with cptsd here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12845.0

[Bach]

Thank you for all the feedback, friends    It is comforting and reassuring.  Blueberry, that's a great idea for a thread, and I'm going to try some of your suggestions.  I actually WOULD hug a tree if it wasn't so cold out! 

I'm so thankful for this forum.  Wish I had more to give.  I had a good weekend with some interludes of actually feeling whole and like a brighter, more energetic and less beaten-down version of myself, but then I had severe anxiety last night that prevented me from sleeping until I took some klonopin, and this morning I just want to die.  I am safe, not in any danger, and not unable to cope with it, but my head is filled with every sad, fearful, insecure, overwhelming thought possible.  Is this the inevitable price of having felt good and enjoyed myself?

[Three Roses]

I'm so thankful for this forum.  Wish I had more to give.

Like the rest of us, you contribute more than you think. Just knowing we are not alone in our thoughts, symptoms and reactions is huge, and by you being vulnerable and posting you are being supportive of every person who reads your posts, members and guests alike.

It could be that you letting yourself have some fun was triggering - that very same thing happens to me whenever I let myself enjoy life in a visible way (in public, dancing, laughing, etc). I feel that I'm in danger because I've drawn attention to myself. Could it be the same for you? Or maybe, you feel guilty for having fun?

In any case I do believe we should feel free to express ourselves, to have fun, to feel "like a brighter, more energetic and less beaten-down version" of ourselves. I'm glad you experienced that. Hang in there!

[woodsgnome]

Bach wondered: "Is this the inevitable price of having felt good and enjoyed myself?"

I go through that sort of self-critique all the time as well. Even if I can enjoy something for itself, I'm always wary of 'the other shoe' dropping, the 'this can't be for me' habit. It's lonely, and cruel, considering it probably stems from when we weren't accepted as human beings with real feelings.

It's yet another of those small steps; frustrating because they're not as huge as we'd like, but just the fact they're there portends that while self-acceptance is slow, it's there and ready for us to claim. It's often hard to see, though; mostly just because we're not used to it, were never allowed to feel good about ourselves before.

May you experience more steps as you journey past the old life into the better one you richly deserve and are working so hard for. 

[Bach]

Hello, friends The past several days have been very difficult and have taken a lot of energy, but I have been doing very well with some important self-care things.  On Monday afternoon I was able to finish the yard work that needed to be done before yesterday when winter came.  The little ones in me get extremely anxious and depressed at the death of the garden and the coming of winter, but I found a way to encourage them to come out and help me.  That made the tasks feel much more positive and less anxiety-provoking, but I was not able to do anything else for the rest of the day because of sheer physical pain and exhaustion from the effort.  Then winter arrived yesterday with cold gloomy damp.  I was very agitated and depressed but I was able to ask for help in two different situations where I would usually be afraid to ask for help, and so was able to complete a work task I wouldn't otherwise have managed, and to make a responsible decision about not taking on a commitment to do something that I really want to do but which at the moment is just too much.  I was also able to stay calm and stave off a panic attack after an unexpected severe anxiety trigger last night.  This morning it is sunny but very, very cold.  So I bundled up and took short but vigorous walk in the morning sun, because I found doing that whenever possible very helpful for keeping both my activity level and my spirits up last winter.  I don't always enjoy that walk while it's happening, but I always enjoy how I feel afterwards when I'm back home warm and comfortable and knowing that I have succeeded for another day in not giving up.

I have been more active than usual every day since last Wednesday, so I'm taking the rest of today off and if all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch TV all day and get takeout for dinner, that is what I'm going to do!

I hope you all are as well as possible 

[Bach]

The other day when I was feeling frustrated and down on myself for indulging in compulsive behaviour without thinking it through I caught myself thinking "I'm trying so hard to be a better person", and then thinking "Wait, that's not true.  I don't need to be a better person.  What I need is to get better at being a person."  That went along with another thought that flashed through my mind at some point this week, that my quest is to accept myself as I am while continuing to work towards being the best version of myself that I can.

There are plenty of healthy thoughts in here, but what a war it is between the healthy parts of me and the parts of me that are programmed to force me to be ill. 

[Not Alone]

"Wait, that's not true.  I don't need to be a better person.  What I need is to get better at being a person."  That went along with another thought that flashed through my mind at some point this week, that my quest is to accept myself as I am while continuing to work towards being the best version of myself that I can.