A Safe Place To Be Visible

Bach · January 31, 2020, 07:02:42 PM

Quote from: Snowdrop on January 31, 2020, 03:59:48 PM
Is it possible Middle B l likes these things because they sometimes make you sick, not just as a relief? I just wonder because you said earlier that she only feels safe when she's sick.

Thank you, Snowdrop

This is interesting, and I think it is very much the case. I think from her perspective, either they're going to make her feel better in some way (make life more fun or pleasurable, or at least less uncomfortable or painful,) or they'll make her sick so that she can retreat into a state that is some degree or another of uncomfortable and unpleasant but is familiar and feels safe.

An insight I had yesterday speaking to my therapist is that I probably had a lot of stress and anxiety about having to keep up with the family when I was a child. I had an older brother, and my mother and stepfather never made any extra allowances for the fact that I was younger and smaller. I had to try to keep up both physically and mentally, or there would be comments or jokes that suggested I was weak, lazy, malingering or mentally defective. In truth, there were probably excessive demands being made on me, especially physically. Middle B has a lot of reasons for preferring to be sick, and I have a lot of reasons for fighting against being sick, and we are constantly in conflict. I love her, I know she's in pain and this isn't her fault, but I don't know how to deal with her. Most of the time she just flat-out doesn't believe me.

Snowdrop · January 31, 2020, 08:39:15 PM

That makes a lot of sense. I've had parts use sickness as well.

When you said that a lot of the time Middle B doesn't believe you, it made me wonder if she knows how old you are. Is it possible she thinks she's still in that situation, and you're the age you were then? Ignore this thought if it's not helpful.

Not Alone · January 31, 2020, 08:44:08 PM

Bach and Middle B,

First, sending care to both of you. Sounds like you are feeling a lot of turmoil and that is so hard.

In my case, I was safe from SA when I was sick. Just thought I would mention it in case you had a similar situation.

Bach · January 31, 2020, 11:13:03 PM

Snowdrop, I think that Middle B sees me as a sort of parental figure, not her mother, but some kind of mother-adjacent figure. A foster mother, maybe, something like that. She knows that I say I love her, and that sometimes I'm nice to her and that feels good, but she doesn't trust any of it. I think she believes that I mean well but that I can't help her because I'm not her mother and her mother doesn't love her. None of her family loves her. No one REALLY loves her, so I can't possibly be any different, especially because she's not exactly real and she doesn't want to be here.

I don't really understand that IFS stuff about exiles and managers and firefighters. Sometimes I think I'm just playing here, the same way that I used writing fictional stories about relationships to salve my loneliness when I was in my 20s.

notalone, I don't think I was ever sexually abused. I was exposed to a lot of information about sex from an inappropriately early age, but I haven't come across anything either internal or external to suggest that I suffered any physical sexual abuse. The vast majority of the abuse I suffered was indirect or disguised as something else. I didn't even know that I'd suffered any abuse at all until I was in my 40s. That also sometimes makes me feel like I'm playing, like that nothing that happened to me was really that bad and I'm exaggerating everything for attention.

Not Alone · February 01, 2020, 04:27:54 AM

You are not "playing." What happened to you was bad and it was so bad that you have consequences decades later. I have sometimes thought: "maybe I'm making this up for attention." Then I realize that it would be a pretty poor method of trying to get attention. There are so few people that I can tell and of those only a small handful have a degree of understanding. You are not exaggerating for attention. What happened to you is real and your feelings are real and significant.

As far as Middle B not trusting your love, that makes sense. I believe that over time she will come to trust and accept your care.

Snowdrop · February 01, 2020, 07:24:27 AM

I completely agree with Notalone. You're not playing, or exaggerating in order to get attention. What happened to you was so bad that it's impacting on your life in this way years later.

Bach · February 01, 2020, 01:02:59 PM

I don't believe any of you.

Also Bach is really hung up on that sexual abuse thing. She's been trying since I came along to figure out if I had sexual abuse or whatever but I didn't. I guess some weird stuff happened to Bach with sex when she was "Younger" but as far as I can tell, for Bach that means she was already grown up but as not grown up as she is now. That has nothing to do with me. Anyway, I guess she's afraid that we might "suddenly remember" something some time like we "suddenly remembered" being smooshed or our mom choking me that time. Suddenly? Pffff. I always remembered that stuff. But I'm supposed to trust Bach? She's just going to find my mother and give me back to her. That's what they always do. They say they want to help but they always find my mother and give me back to her.

Bach · February 01, 2020, 01:38:33 PM

THIS IS A STUPID WORLD AND I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE

Snowdrop · February 01, 2020, 01:55:03 PM

I'm so sorry you went through those things, Middle B.

Not Alone · February 01, 2020, 03:31:42 PM

Middle B, it is okay that you don't believe us. If you don't believe this or can't take it in, that is okay too. I am sorry bad things happened to you. I care about you. I'm glad you are writing on this forum and letting us know your thoughts and feelings.

Bach · February 02, 2020, 02:51:12 PM

So, I've figured out that the reason it's so hard for me to help Middle B is that she's the one of us that has the greatest trauma burdens with the fewest coping methods to help herself and least faith in anyone else's ability or willingness to help her. She's got all her own trauma, plus all the trauma of SE and Little B, but unlike SE she is not operating completely unaware of possibilities for escape (i.e., drugs or suicide, both of which she was exposed to in the family), and she is quickly losing the familial and social/cultural benefits of the doubt allowed to cute little children, especially female ones, that gave Little B a modicum of protection, but is still too young to have much agency even for all that she is left unsupervised so much of the time. It was Middle B who became convinced that the world is a hostile unreliable place and that nobody will ever really be able to help.

I wasn't sure for a while whether there was a clear delineation between Middle B and Lizzy B or whether they were even really separate parts from each other. SE and Little B aren't really separate parts from Middle B. I think they're more like Middle B's inners, which is why Little B never talks anymore and why Middle B has things that are all her own now. I think Lizzy B is separate, though. Just now I tried to write out her origin story but I started getting panicky again. I already had a little panicky spell a little while ago when I was reflecting on thoughts about Middle B's existential problem that I had during this morning's meditation and decided to write them out. Writing this had calmed me down until I started on that story but I don't have the energy to quell that and keep going. Maybe later or another time. I think all this was precipitated by the fact that Middle B isn't ready to not be sick anymore even though the rest of us are, so I need to think of some ways to take care of and comfort her that aren't drugs or sweets.

Snowdrop · February 02, 2020, 03:04:39 PM

That makes a lot of sense.

Notalone recently posted a link to a blog that includes lots of self-care ideas: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13064.msg97112#msg97112. Might Middle B like any of these? Just a thought.

Bach · February 02, 2020, 05:43:14 PM

Quote from: Snowdrop on February 02, 2020, 03:04:39 PM
That makes a lot of sense.

Notalone recently posted a link to a blog that includes lots of self-care ideas: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13064.msg97112#msg97112. Might Middle B like any of these? Just a thought.

Thanks for that link, Snowdrop. Middle B doesn't like anything right now. She thinks that the rest of us think she's the problem and want her to go away. She doesn't want to deal with the big scary world but she doesn't want to be left alone by herself either. She doesn't believe for one second that I don't blame her and want to eradicate her. Life is nearly intolerable but she's afraid of death.

Thank you, also, both Snowdrop and notalone, for acknowledging and responding to Middle B. She was really scared after she posted because I know I'm not supposed to say that stuff and she thought people would be angry or go away and stop caring. It's extremely difficult to reassure her, but she's communicating with me and although she is really struggling, we're hanging in here and not melting down. Your consistent caring responses really help!

Snowdrop · February 02, 2020, 06:12:05 PM

I wasn't angry with Middle B. She's been through a lot, and her reaction was completely understandable. She's precious, irrespective of whether she believes me saying that, and I care about both of you.

Not Alone · February 02, 2020, 07:29:12 PM

Hi Middle B. My name is Jo. I am 11. I want you to know that I used to have really big feelings and I didn't trust anyone. I can't write more because I'd have to put TW (trigger warning). It is so hard to be alone. Although I sometimes feel alone now, it isn't as bad as it used to be. I don't want to write a lot about me, but I feel bad that you are so alone and I have felt that too.

From,
Jo
p.s. If you want to write back to me you may, but you don't have to if you don't want to.