Leaving, for a while at least

[bluepalm]

I'm recording this here in case it's of help to others. I've been so grateful for the support I've experienced on this forum but, for reasons I can't quite understand, something seems to have triggered me and I've lost the sense that this OOTS is a place of refuge for me at the moment. So I'm going to leave for a while. I can't imagine this matters to anyone (I state that as a fact - how my mind works to devalue myself!) but I see other people explain their absences so, given I've been posting poems in particular, I felt it may be both courteous and useful to record this.

Maybe it's because I feel I've been too open and I'm now too exposed. Maybe it was reading a couple of posts (having nothing to do with me at all) filled with anger. (I find I cannot read Out of the Fog at all because there is so much open anger there.)

Maybe it's because I feel I engaged with people too closely and now I don't know if they are real people or not. I've not posted anything on the internet before posting on this forum and my trust in other people is very low. This is in no way a criticism of those who've responded to me. I've been very grateful for the support and validation I've received and I'm puzzled right now as to why I've lost my trust.

This may be useful for others to hear. There may be others who struggle as I am at present with trusting any response from the world. I find people generally to be very menacing, very frightening. Just as I'm afraid to turn on the TV because I don't know what violence or anger or misery I'll be exposed to if I do.

In any event, I can feel I'm struggling to hold onto myself at the moment and feel I need to retreat to the natural world, to my books and my music, and avoid people, even people in the virtual world.

Please understand this is in my mind, due to my personal struggles right now, not a criticism of OOTS, which I continue to think is a hugely valuable resource, which I have recommended to my GP and my therapist and others similarly placed.

I hope I will return when I regain some equilibrium.
bluepalm

[Tee]

You will be missed I have appreciated your support. Good luck to you Blue Palm. Take care of yourself.

[Three Roses]

There are days when I find myself wanting to delete my account here, that's how afraid I get. So I totally understand your statements.

You say, "I hope I will return when I regain some equilibrium," and I hope you do, too. You'll be missed but it's more important to take care of yourself. Best wishes to you!  ❤️

[woodsgnome]

Thanks for having been here, sharing yourself so generously even when it hurt. These roller coaster emotions never do seem to wholly settle out, but the few glimpses we have of equilibrium makes us feel it must be out there somewhere; or, more likely, in here, once we find the freedom to trust our own dignity and worth. All we seek is to finally feel free to be ourselves.

Please take care of yourself and I wish for smoother times as you too find your own way at your own pace. 

[slmattila]

As a person new to this forum, this post has rendered me very reticent to continue to engage with it any further.

Thanks so very much for posting this honest statement!  These kinds of advance warnings are most welcome, especially for someone whose symptoms of CPTSD are as severe as mine.  I will accordingly not reach out to this forum for assistance.

[Not Alone]

Bluepalm,
Thank you for sharing. I have appreciated your comments and support in the time I have been on OOTS. I hope you are able to experience some feelings of peace and safety. Take care.

[Kizzie]

Just wanted to say I too appreciate you sharing what you're feeling, it's helpful for you and for all of us, that's the simple but elegant 'magic' of community 

FWIW I have wanted to run too, especially so in the beginning.  When you think about it, it's a normal response to what we've been through.  So we dip our toes in a little, take them out and pause to consider whether we want to take another dip. Personally I think acknowledging you are not comfortable and stepping back to see what that's all about is positive self-care. 

I hope you will return (we'll be here), but if you don't I wish you all the very best Blue Palm 

[Ecowarrior888]

I completely understand your thought process. I didnt feel safe also. I feel like I cant express everyhing and I wish I could be of better support to others. It is amazing that you recognized that you need to take a step back. Keep writing for you though. I hope you feel better soon bluepalm. I appreciate you <3 Take care of youraekf and I wish you the best.

[bluepalm]

Thank you to all for your warm supportive comments when I stepped back from this forum some weeks ago. I was becoming overwhelmed and needed to retreat.

During these past weeks, through quietness and with the help of my therapist, I've managed to gain what feels like a more robust connection with what happened to me; robust in the sense that I feel I can at once understand the enormity of damage done that has  reverberated through my life for over 70 years and yet also feel confident that I can (at least for the moment) hold that understanding at sufficient distance to keep it from overwhelming me. I am now holding onto the knowledge that I've actually survived in better shape than I would ever have hoped would be possible (if I'd ever had the capacity to hope for some future outcome).

I feel very strongly that this forum is a wonderful force for good and I hope to start contributing again. Thank you again for your comments when I left for a while. They helped me feel 'real' at a time when I was losing myself.
Bluepalm

[Not Alone]

Welcome back. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome back! 

[Tee]

  welcome back bluepalm!  Glad your time was beneficial. I missed you kind words of encouragement.

[Kizzie]

Welcome back BluePalm, so glad to hear you are in a better place