Depression, loss, and too many thoughts

[Rudi]

I took care of my terminal mother earlier this year until she passed away a couple of months ago, it has been a major loss in my life. I am also bipolar with autoimmune disease so all of this has taken a lot out of me. Her illness and passing created an opportunity for my mother and me to see my older brother again after many years of not seeing him in part due to his terrible actions surrounding my outing my father as my abuser. My mother was the only one in my family who stood by me.

So I'm in the throes of grief, flashbacks, depression and severe anxiety. Each day I try to restart only to feel myself fall back into that hole again. It's too physically painful to do my walks, I'm exhausted so my art is out, reading is limited, I'm attempting to reboot my meditations but I keep finding myself sobbing and wanting to escape. My phone therapy sessions are adding up so I really need to find additional means of support, so I am here, one of a few stops to address this stuff that is eating me up.

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your M Rudi. That's a huge loss so I am glad you found your way here and have a safe place to talk about everything and be heard and supported. Welcome.   

Would you also be open to looking for a face-to-face grief support group in your area? More support might help right now.

Can I just say that you may not have the energy to restart just yet b/c so much energy is needed to deal with grief and the extra layer of trauma on top of that that you have on top of that? Reaching out for support, putting less pressure on ourselves, and getting lots of rest seems to help in really tough times. 

[Rudi]

Kizzie, I really needed a reach-out so thank you so much! Tonight has been extra rough...sometimes it can feel like I am overreacting but when I remember all the mental health issues AND if I were a stranger coming to me with this situation I would be so much kinder and understanding. 

[Kizzie]

It really is a lot Rudi you're dealing with and all your trauma layered on top of that means it will be extra rough.  It's a good strategy you mention of imagining you were a friend to someone dealing with what you are and thinking about what would you say to them    If anyone needs and deserves kindness and understanding right now it's you   

[Not Alone]

Rudi,
I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. Just want you to know that I read your post and that I care.   

[Kizzie]

Sending a  Rudi, how are you doing now?

[Tee]

Don't know what to say but wants to show support

[Rudi]

Hi, I really wanted to say thank you for your responses and to let you know that I appreciate your words. I have been able to get out and physically see our therapist which has been helpful in just knowing that I am on the right track. Blindly buckling down with more meditation and with a stronger focus on self-acceptance and love seem to be the only thing I am left with doing at this time so that is what I am doing.

I see the promise of a promise it might help so I am hanging on to that.

[Not Alone]

stronger focus on self-acceptance and love

Great things to be focused on.

[Kizzie]

 

[Tee]

 

[Rudi]

I had been pulling up out of the depression a bit, enough to be able to get out and see my therapist. Friday was my birthday and so my younger brother decided to celebrate by trying to go after what little money my mom left me. This after having thrown me over and my kids to saddle up to my father to get into his Will for the $, which he got which is how he made all his money, he is doing VERY well for himself and doesn't need it. He is greedy and angry thinking he should have gotten something that wasn't there..my relationship with my mom. He sold me out he sold her out and now he wants to come after me again.

[Kizzie]

So sorry to hear you had your brother to contend with on your birthday.  Your birthday should be special in a positive way so here's a bit of a belated cyber party from your 'trauma tribe' friends here at OOTS.  I hope it helps even in a small way to balance the negativity your brother brought to your day. 

       

[Three Roses]

A party for you here!     Some cake 🎂🍰... Ice cream, too 🍨... Party streamers🎊🎉... Gifts🎁... Balloons🎈🎈🎈... And a bouquet! 💐

And your brother can have this

[Silverspoon]

Hi Rudi
I too, looked after my mother before she passed on. I grieved immensely until I realised how much beautiful time we spent together after she came to live with me. Try and centre your thoughts about the time you spent with your mother and think good thoughts about yourself in regards to the care and kindness you would have given her.
It sounds like there are some emotions surrounding the meeting with your brother. Perhaps you need to give this some attention with your counseling sessions.
Kizzie is right perhaps you need more support at present.
Warm regards
Silverspoon