Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?

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mar74

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Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« on: June 29, 2019, 03:32:43 AM »
Hi everyone,

I need some guidance and hoping someone or more than one in here might be able to relate and/or shed some light. 

*** TW CSA, DV and other violence ***

Just to give you some background, I have suffered abuse my whole life, sexually molested as a child, probably more than once truthfully, but can only remember the one incident, another I'm uncertain was molestation and another where a totally different person tried to grope me at 13 but I got away before it went further that time.

Grew up with a volatile alcoholic father who beat my mom profusely for years on end, cheated etc for years.  The years of 4 to 10 in my life were absolutely terrifying because of his rage and violence.  Even almost killing my mom one night in front of the 3 of us, threatening to shoot her with a shotgun while we and she pleaded for her life. I spent YEARS in such hypervigilance that even now in my 40's I'm a mess.  My dad made me a nervous wreck as kid, watching me do things like open packages of cereal and tearing into me if I didn't do it just right etc.  It's been literally a lifetime of eggshells for the smallest and even insignificant things.

*** End TW ***

The abuse cycle continued when I married a man almost as bad as my dad who abused me in almost every way except he didn't drink, just naturally abusive on his own. (PD person)

Anyway, I have had an issue with something most of my adult life  (age 29 - now), something that has caused me so much trouble and grief yet I haven't found a way to control it.  It occurred to me for the first time ever last night that maybe this was because of the C-PTSD but when I googled it I'm not seeing it in anything like this on any of the symptom lists.

So what happens is, I have an unreasonable fear of anger or angry people to the point that if anyone does anything that triggers me that way, I talk about what happened to anyone who will listen, the first person I can get the pain out to no matter who they are ends up hearing quite private details of my life.  It started as a child, we weren't allowed to talk about what went on in the house.  One day I moved a calendar to show my grandma visiting a hole my dad punched in the wall under it.  My mom hung it there to hide it.  I was 4.  I told my grandma "look what the incredible hulk did last night" and moved it to show her.  I got in A LOT of trouble for that and never spoke another word to anyone about all the violence I was living in.  I stayed quiet about my personal like until my husband started with the abuse and cheating and then like one of the replies said it was like a dam opened and never closed.  (I modified this post cause originally I didn't explain it properly that from 4 to 29 I rarely shared anything with anyone.)

So, Moving on to later in life, I went through years of on ongoing hideous abuse from my soon to be ex-husband of 24 years, and as soon as that started, I just talked and talked to get the pain and fear out.  To people in front of me in line at the store if they saw I'd been crying and asked if was ok, to bosses at work, to neighbors, to friends and family, to customers I had at work or in my online endeavors etc. you name it.

And now I suffer getting trouble the same way I did as a child. My ex is blaming me for the downfall of our marriage "because of my inability to keep my mouth shut and he needs a woman who won't speak his name" I realize why he needs that privacy, since he's so abusive he needs to protect his outward image but at the same time, I can't understand my intense need to do this. 

It's almost like an out of control thing. Even when I've had therapists to talk to etc.  If he did something abusive or behaved even slightly mean or volatile to me, I'd be on my phone telling the first person I could reach or text or message etc., frantically trying to get relief which I seem to get when I "talk" and get it out.  Problem is I can't stop.  If I get it out to my mom, I also will tell my sister, multiple friends, and many other people.  It's a strange symptom and maybe it doesn't relate to PTSD or CPTSD at all but I'm wondering if anyone else suffers from this "diarrhea of the mouth" issue.

Before we split up, my ex went through my phone, email, texts, facebook etc. and said I am a psychopath with a big mouth and wants nothing to do with me once he realized I'd been sharing so much private stuff between us with so many people.  Though I tell him, maybe he should worry more about the egregious abuse he put me through for the last 15 years than how I respond to the abuse or fighting but to him, it's my fault for talking, not his for doing the stuff that caused me to frantically reach out for help from the pain.

I'm feeling like a terrible person who lets out all private information and I can't seem to get this habit out of my life.  It's truly a FRANTIC need to "talk" about my problems and when I say frantic I do mean frantic.  I go into a state of intense fear and panic over it and just let it all out to everyone and anyone with no regard for even my own privacy. I've regretted later after the panic subsides every single time but still do it anyway.  :(

Please tell me you can relate?  Please tell me I'm not alone in this?  Anyone else experience this?
« Last Edit: June 29, 2019, 09:09:51 PM by mar74 »

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Contessa

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2019, 07:20:13 AM »
Hello Mar74,

I'm rarely on OOTS anymore, so apologies if I have missed any important details from other posts.

The title of your thread and then post, struck a chord with me. There was a time, for a few years, where I felt the same. It was such a strange feeling as I had spent the previous 30 years of my life holding all of my cards close to my chest, and I have been returning to that state (although not so tightly) over the last couple of years.

I too felt like I had verbal diarrhoea, and it was a great worry. My thoughts are that this was an outward expression of fear and anxiety. Our minds and bodies are past the saturation point of understanding (if we had any in the first place) and coping with what we have to bear. We have been so isolated from and by those we have needed to be our support; they refuse to let us speak which in turn adds to that overflow of trauma. We are screaming for help, screaming for safety, because we cannot escape.

Those are my thoughts on what I have experienced. Although we have had different paths on our journeys, I do think we have experienced some similar coping mechanisms in the height of our triggered states. I hope this shared experience is helpful. I hope you are in a place of safety too.

Contessa

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Blueberry

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2019, 10:19:55 AM »
Hello mar74,

I'm sorry you had so much violence to deal with growing up and later.

Your soon-to-be ex blaming your talkative nature for the downfall of your marriage - well that's total nonsense and he's gaslighting.

I think I've certainly talked too much to people in the past, too much for the level of friendship, too much for the person in question. Above a certain age, I was forbidden to talk outside the house about what was going on in it and since nobody in it would listen, I suffered inwardly. Terrible depression in my late teens / early twenties I also got really psychosomatic pain in all parts of my body more or less. The pain comes out in some form or other if you're forced to try hold it in. Possibly your impulse to talk and talk was healthier for you in that situation? Or it was just the only thing younger you could do and then it turned into a habit.

I imagine that you as a small child were trying to draw attention to the dysfunction in your family, you were looking for help for a situation that obviously could have done with help. You were probably frantic then and if you still are now, that could mean you're semi-constantly in an EF (emotional flashback). EFs are normal unfortunately in unhealed / partially healed cptsd. But there are ways to learn to deal with them e.g. http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm
« Last Edit: June 29, 2019, 10:22:45 AM by Blueberry »

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Bach

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2019, 12:46:56 PM »
mar74, I can very much relate to what you're saying about oversharing, and it getting you in trouble.  I was that way for many years of my life, and ruined a lot of friendships because I didn't know how to gauge social cues or levels of intimacy, and if someone was listening, all kinds of things (and usually tears  :doh: ) would just pour out.  Getting into intensive therapy about 18 years ago helped me with that.  Though, now I feel that I have overcorrected.  I now find it extremely difficult to talk about anything without fearing that I will alienate people.  I have improved only slightly with knowing how to gauge social cues and levels of intimacy.  So now I have a couple of people I feel relatively safe talking to and sharing with pretty freely, but in most situations, I suppress my urges to say much of anything meaningful for fear of oversharing.  Also, now crying in front of anyone makes me want to die.  I'm almost afraid to watch Pixar movies anymore because I find my tears to be so totally humiliating, and yet, I cannot cry in private no matter how much I want to or need to.  It's very hard.  I'm sorry I don't have any real advice about how to handle it, but if it helps, you are definitely not alone.  I feel for you very much.  I hope there is peace and healing in your future.

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notalone

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2019, 06:25:52 PM »
When I am with someone who seems to have empathy and compassion, it feels like a dam that has a hole and what I share keeps pouring out and the hole gets bigger. After years of holding pain to myself, I have such a need for others to know.

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mar74

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2019, 08:54:15 PM »
Thank you, Contessa!  It definitely helps!

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mar74

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2019, 09:01:26 PM »
Also thank you Blueberry, Bach, Notalone!  You have all made me feel a lot better.  After years of being like this, I finally now have an answer as to why.  Knowledge is power so hopefully, I can learn to get a handle on this.

It's interesting that many say the same thing as me, talking about what was happening as a child was strictly forbidden and then in 2005 when the abuse, cheating, gaslighting etc. started with my husband, like one of you said, it was like a dam broke and now it won't stop.  I don't want to share with everyone anymore and now I find that I really don't even know where it's appropriate to stop and how much is ok to share and when.  I see I have A LOT of inner work to do.

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Blueberry

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2019, 09:10:29 PM »
  I don't want to share with everyone anymore

 :cheer: You're making progress.

One of the things about cptsd begun in early childhood is: there are so many things we didn't learn that normally children and later teenagers would learn about social interaction like who to talk to, how much, when to stop. It's a step by step journey learning these types of things as an adult. Atm it's making me sad and angry that it was this way for so many of us.

Yes, there's inner work to do for all of us I guess, but in your time. And of course here's a good place to 'talk' things out too. Always somebody to 'listen', even if a response doesn't come immediately.

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Tee

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2019, 09:46:30 PM »
Yeah lost several people I thought were friends. Through this journey as I uncovered trauma and stared dealing with my crap.  I was told I was too much drama, that I they couldn't handle how much support I needed, that my counselor wasn't helping me by digging up my past.   It's hard to realize people you were there for letting them live with you when they need a place couldn't listen and be supportive.   :fallingbricks:

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Bach

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2019, 02:46:46 PM »
Yeah lost several people I thought were friends. Through this journey as I uncovered trauma and stared dealing with my crap.  I was told I was too much drama, that I they couldn't handle how much support I needed, that my counselor wasn't helping me by digging up my past.   It's hard to realize people you were there for letting them live with you when they need a place couldn't listen and be supportive.   :fallingbricks:

Oh, Tee, I know that feeling so well.  I can't tell you how often I have been there for people only to have them withdraw or even outright reject me once they had moved on from whatever it was they needed my support with.  I suppose I have a bit of a compulsion to try to help people that I have not learned to moderate.

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Three Roses

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #10 on: July 05, 2019, 02:52:14 PM »
Mar74, when you feel the overwhelming need to share, just come here! You can be assured you'll always be listened to.  :hug:

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mar74

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Re: Anyone else have issues with chronic oversharing?
« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2019, 07:02:55 AM »
You're right 3 Roses!  I need to also learn what is ok to share and with who and when.  I see I lack all filters as to what's appropriate and when etc.