Stranded on the EF roller coaster

[woodsgnome]

**TW ahead; very brief/slight  non-active suicidal ideation reference ...

I find someone to trust; now that confidence has been shaken, violated, or something equally dire, and I've been completely undone for several days now. That's what's going on with me as these thoughts transfer into inadequate words. Call it a massive EF rehash of  all the bad stuff that I internalized and which stays close to the surface. And, every so often (any time is too often, however) any self-love, anything that I've slowly built up in my fragile recovery efforts seems not to  be working for me.

I'm okay, I tell myself or try to, blinking behind tears. If I really know I'm okay, I wonder where the okayness hides in these times of absolute panic. When the person I trusted with the empathy they said they possessed isn't there; when they twist things in hurtful ways while destroying all the slowly built self-esteem, and more, to shreds. When they blamed me for creating my own victimhood. When they thought hurting me was helping me. Or worse -- in their smugness had no idea what they were even saying, not caring if or how deep it would cut to my core wounds.

TW***This is one of those times when the giving up life option seems like a close call. For sure it's a time when self-hate can seem like the only true friend I've ever had anyway. But is it -- my only true friend? I don't know, and thinking seems rather hopeless right now, having had all my emotional scars renewed to where my body literally tingles in shame, anger, and more. Helplessness is so real, again; so now, so all that I know.

But this is senseless; as it would require further explanations. However, I think anyone reading this far will be able to share in the despair I feel. Also realize the hopelessness that this can ever truly change. So I'm scared. I'm so scared to sense that I can ever make it out of these cycles all returning to self-blame and guilt that I'm even alive. Is it too much to ask, if I seem worthwhile anymore? That indeed I can have a place here that's not filled with sorrow?

I think I have one last gasp, and this might save me yet. Given all the grief that my pseudo-friend has foisted on me, I have the ace -- I survived! And survived! It's more than they'll ever understand. My road may be lonely, but survival itself is the one certainty I can hold close and not need recognition for ... it's here, in this heart. See? I have my integrity intact, and that's all I truly want.

[Tee]

Oh woodsngome, 
You did survive!  Thank you for writing this, in sorry your are struggling but you are filled with so much compassion and empathy for others on this journey it would be such a great loss to have you give in to those feelings and lies of inadequacy!

*TW*
I struggle daily right now with similar lies running through my head.  My NM and then later as a teen a sexual predator told me over and over how useless, unlovable, and trash like I was.
*TWEnd*

I'm not there yet I but what my T says we have to work on is retiring the narrative.  Because like you said we have already survived!  We did that!  Through all the crap we are here they don't get to win now!  Stay strong my friend you are not alone.

I'm sorry you were rewounded, is so easy to have happen.  Thanks for coming here and sharing though I'm here for you! Ginger hug

[Jdog]

Woodsgnome-

I am so very sorry that this person has ripped open your heart and callously blamed you for your own victim hood, doling out pain for being in pain.  I don't pretend to understand the motivations of individuals such as this.  What can they possibly gain by hurting us?  It doesn't have to make sense, I suppose, but when we lower our defenses and someone like this storms through the remaining barriers it hurts so very much.

Yes, it is a victory that you survive and will regain your powers once more.  Nobody can take that from you.  I understand how painful it can be when another brings on feelings of shame which people like us are always carrying just beneath the surface all the time.  You deserve better, and it is my hope that true friends find you and earn the right to be called your friends one day.  Meanwhile, know that you are cared for by those of us on this precious site. 

[Kizzie]

Meanwhile, know that you are cared for by those of us on this precious site. 

Your pain matters to me, to us, you matter.     You are kind and wise and I am glad you are in my life if only via the Internet. You enrich my life, my soul because you have let us know you, because of who you are.

Hold on tight to that and the posts above.   

[Not Alone]

Woodsgnome,
I hear your great pain and turmoil. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone. As much as I am able, I am here for you. Please continue to post as often as it is helpful to you. Let those of us on this site, support you through this incredibly disruptive time. 

[Blueberry]

Meanwhile, know that you are cared for by those of us on this precious site. 

Your pain matters to me, to us, you matter.     You are kind and wise and I am glad you are in my life if only via the Internet. You enrich my life, my soul because you have let us know you, because of who you are.

Hold on tight to that and the posts above.

[woodsgnome]

 

I am so grateful to all of you for these kind and supportive comments. Perhaps I won't fall into this sort of trap any more, giving power away to overt and covert abusers to run roughshod over my extreme sensitivity.

And while it deeply hurts sometimes, being sensitive is something I can't give up either -- not after having seen so much of the angry but sinister side of those I trusted. It isn't a fault to have fallen victim to them, I guess; it's rather a harsh reminder to practice better discernment when I sense I'm being used. Trust remains elusive; but there never was anyone to learn it from before, either. And/or anyone to turn to.

At least until finding out about hope, resilience, and so much more from peers who've traveled similarly -- the members of OOTF. Thanks again for support that only those who've been there truly understand.     

[Kizzie]

  

[Tee]

Here for you.

[Jdog]

Glad to be here for you, and proud to have you as an online friend, Woodsgnome. 

[woodsgnome]

Jdog and everyone ... what you shared was extremely life-affirming; like I was in a dark cave but saw your messages, as a spark to let me know some light might still be existing.

This EF incident has been the worst I've ever encountered and it seems to be growing in intensity.  The worst of this is my T is currently on a month's vacation and, especially given last week's devastation, is the only person I can trust with any of this. I feel utterly ashamed for having trusted so willingly that at least the person in question was safe with what I'd told them, I was so desperate, and now this has set me back to ground zero.

So on top of the shame comes the self-anger. All I want to do is disappear to where no one knows I exist. Almost as bad, I really hurt myself taking my frustration out on a wall the other day, but I don't trust seeing an m.d. about it, as I trust no one at the moment.

Except -- the people here. Thank you sooo very much for being here, holding my hand, anything -- it all helps. Elsewhere I posted recently about knowing that "I survived" and it's all that matters anymore. A major part of that, though, is just knowing and finding help from those who understand on this forum.

[Tee]

I've been there with the wall.  It's very unforgiving.  I hope you didn't do too much damage to your hand.  Ice and elevate to help with swelling, ibuprofen will help with both swing and pain. I hope you didn't break anything.  Be kind to yourself trying to find a trusted friend isn't a bad thing everybody needs that I'm sorry you trusted the wrong person and got hurt.  It happens what we deal with is too much for the average"bear" 
I lost a lot of people I thought were friends when I started this journey to healing.  Some I even thought had been through some stuff and could help.  But they just kept telling to turn it over to God and move on...and couldn't understand that why I couldn't do that when my NM was"minister" and I'm not sure how I feel about God.  So I lost them too.  Be nicer to yourself and take care of your hand. Gentle hugs I've been there

[Blueberry]

Sitting with you in your pain and feelings of shame, woodsgnome. I've been some of where you've been too. Remember the shame belongs to the person who broke your trust, it's not yours.

You survived your childhood and you've survived this too!

When you feel ready, maybe you'd like to come over to the Healing Porch where I'm sure some of us will be to support and comfort you. 

[Not Alone]

 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Woodsgnome, thank you for your support in my journal recently. I only just have seen this thread and just want to send some of that support I felt from you, back to you at this time. I hope that is fine.

SaB