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blackbird1

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New to this forum
« on: March 22, 2015, 03:41:36 PM »
I've been on OOTF for a while, although not very active. I need to take a break from self-examination sometimes.  It seems my whole life I've been searching for peace from the raging critic in my mind.  I've been diagnosed depressed, but that is not the whole picture. 

I've abused alcohol, taken various psychotropics, stumbled upon PD's and am convinced my mother and sister are NPD, and now am convinced I have C-PTSD.

My ex-husband was diagnosed as NPD and unfortunately my son was diagnosed with C-PTSD, which causes a lot of guilt for me.

I wanted so to stop the cycle.  Fortunately, he has a good therapist and is improving, albeit slowly.

But I guess this is about me.  I have read your stories and nothing else I have encountered in my journey for peace of mind has resonated more. 

The main problem is, as others have expressed, my minimization of how it happened.  It was covert verbal abuse.  I don't have many childhood memories, and to all outside appearances I had a normal middle class childhood.

I need others to verify my reality.  As most of you know, few understand our pain.

I have lost my FOO, old friends, and countless opportunities to enrich and enjoy my life due to my fears.

I'm getting too old for this.  I'm 57 and I want to enjoy the rest of my life.  I look forward to sharing the journey with you.

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Convalescent

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2015, 04:47:12 PM »
Hi, and welcome :) I'm new to this forum as well. I just wanted to say that you're not alone. I recognize myself in just about everything you write. And about needing others to verify your reality for you, that is an ongoing process for me to try ro relieve myself out from. I've been "addicted" to that for a long time. I've been going around for so long seeking acceptance from others, defining my reality by others, so to speak. It never worked... I couldn't take in anything, I was like something you'd fill into your backpack, only to find afterwards that it had a hole underneath it. And the people around me never fully understood. It's just now, in the beginning of the process of recovery, that I find that I need to verify my reality myself, I need to see myself from the inside-out, not the other way around. I'm not trying to show advice down your throat or anything :) I just wanted to share my thoughts.

Hope you'll find yourself at home in the forum :)




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blackbird1

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2015, 05:32:50 PM »
Thank you, Con.  I do want to be active on this forum.  I struggle with guessing what is normal still.  I don't know who exactly "me" is.  I am tired of trying to adopt behaviors, hobbies, opinions, etc.  because they seem popular, or would make me more popular.

Ah, I'm fed up with not taking care of myself, not putting myself first, wanting to agree with everyone, and second-guessing myself.

And, I'm especially tired of feeling that I'm too lazy, weak, or not self-disciplined to change my life.   Here's to challenging that inner critic ---




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Kizzie

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2015, 07:29:09 PM »
Hi Blackbird and a very warm welcome to OOTS  :wave:   Your story could be my story so you are definitely in good company here  :yes:   

I am 58 and grew up in a FOO much like yours, a house (not home) that to all outward appearances looked normal.  I was never sexually or physically abused, and the emotional abuse was covert so it took me decades (literally) to wrap my head around the fact that I was traumatized as a child by parents who were unable to provide me with the necessities of life - love, support, guidance, a sense of identify and worth, safety and a sense of belonging in the world. 

Did being at OOTF help you at all? I figured out so much there about growing up with an NPDM, NPDB and a high functioning alcoholic F and how that contributed to my CPTSD.  It's here though that I am coming to understand my symptoms and how they play out in my life (losing friends or not forming friendships in my case; quitting jobs because I am so triggered by someone), and what I can do about that.  I'm glad you found your way here and I do hope you find some answers too   :hug:   
« Last Edit: March 22, 2015, 10:11:36 PM by Kizzie »

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blackbird1

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2015, 08:08:09 PM »
Thank you for your welcome, Kizzie.  The information at OOTF was helpful, though with all my FOO gone due to death or NC, I didn't want to be reminded of all the drama that went with dealing with them.

I am struck with how much more gentle the approach is here - I love the fact that there are cat lovers and book lovers and poetry quoting.

I believed for a long time that to have power in this world that you had to be angry like my mother or a quick tongue like my ex-husband. 

If you were quiet and shy like myself you were weak and therefore a target.

I have a lot to learn, but I'm starting to think it's okay to be me here.

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Kizzie

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2015, 10:11:07 PM »
The information at OOTF was helpful, though with all my FOO gone due to death or NC, I didn't want to be reminded of all the drama that went with dealing with them.   

Amen to that  (not wanting to be reminded)  :thumbup:

It's lovely to hear that you are finding members to be quite gentle and that you're starting to feel it will be OK to be you. It's the one silver lining if you can call it that of having CPTSD imo. That is, we do tend to be more empathetic, kind and compassionate people because of what we have experienced.  And I have also seen such wisdom here that honestly it astonishes me sometimes. 

And some of us are dog lovers here, but we don't say anything to the cat lovers  :bigwink:
« Last Edit: March 22, 2015, 11:32:09 PM by Kizzie »

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Convalescent

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2015, 11:07:16 PM »
Thank you, Con.  I do want to be active on this forum.  I struggle with guessing what is normal still.  I don't know who exactly "me" is.  I am tired of trying to adopt behaviors, hobbies, opinions, etc.  because they seem popular, or would make me more popular.

Ah, I'm fed up with not taking care of myself, not putting myself first, wanting to agree with everyone, and second-guessing myself.

And, I'm especially tired of feeling that I'm too lazy, weak, or not self-disciplined to change my life.   Here's to challenging that inner critic ---

I know what you mean. That's a big part of C-PTSD - tuning in to others feelings and desires and having antennas all the way out - most of, or maybe all of the time?

You are not lazy or weak or lacking self-discipline - you have C-PTSD. That has got nothing to do with neither of those.

Good luck on your recovery, I'm sure we'll talk more on this forum :)

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blackbird1

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2015, 11:25:17 PM »
Thanks for the welcome and validation, Con and Kizzie!  I feel like I've taken positive steps today.  Ordered Pete Walker's book today too.  Hugs, Blackbird

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Kizzie

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2015, 11:31:29 PM »
 :cheer:    Yay!  :cheer:

Re: New to this forum
« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2015, 11:24:10 AM »
Hi Blackbird! I can relate to what you say about covert abuse, and to not wanting to be reminded. (And HOW.)

There's a book called The Narcissistic Family, and it read like a minute description of my FOO down to startling details. They deal with covertly narcissistic families too. Though from what you said, this might be something to read sometime in the future, once you've gained some distance. It's been difficult to work through. I've got it as an audiobook, and when I listen to it for twenty minutes, I often need another twenty minutes to calm back down. But it IS very illuminating, at least for me.

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blackbird1

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2015, 01:26:13 PM »
Thank you, schrodinger!  I have enjoyed reading your posts.  I'll try the book.  I don't like to be reminded of my family, but I guess I have to start recognizing the triggers better.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2015, 01:28:54 PM »
Hi blackbird I hear you .. I am new here too ...
Taking a 'break from it ' sometimes is so important I find - else it feels life is one big self examination :)
I'm 41 yrs and my head says 'this should be sorted by now ' well to the head I say - i have and I am trying my best one day at a time
Wishing you the best on your journey to health

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blackbird1

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Re: New to this forum
« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2015, 01:01:20 PM »
Thank you for the welcome, Boat.  I feel like I'm in right place.  Although I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to feel more comfortable in my own skin, I think C-PTSD is at the bottom of most of my discomfort. 

I'm having a tough time trying to identify emotional flashbacks and how to deal with them.

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Boatsetsailrose

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« Reply #13 on: April 23, 2015, 10:30:01 PM »
Hi blackbird
Yes that is my experience too - talking to most people is uncomfortable for me - I like it much better alone but then I feel like a misfit and I know isolating is not good for mental health
I haven't done much looking at what 'emotional flashbacks mean and how they happen -
Have you found anything interesting ...

X Emma