Convalescents journal

[Convalescent]

God, I'm angry. Just really angry. Angry at my therapist for talking to me like a piece of *.

It's been forever since I've been in here. It's kinda been forever since I've really been dedicated to stuff I've been dealing with, I guess. Everything is just chaos, feelings all over the place, physical stress, mental stress, and it's hard to know where it's coming from.

I wonder why it's so hard to just feel things out, not block or run away... and then it dawns on me that I'm not in a safe enough place to do that. So I avoid it. And avoid it some more.

[Convalescent]

Really wanted to get drunk today... don't know what held me back. Mostly that I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, probably.
I'm drowning in depression these days.

[woodsgnome]

Many of us drown in feelings of depression. I know you've gone through this before, too many times probably. But you're still here, and you're willing even if you don't quite know where to take your willingness.

The way ahead isn't very clear, but it's obvious you're trying. That says a lot about your ability to keep trying, even in a fog of confusion. Keep trying, but in the trying I hope you remember to relax and know you're worthwhile, deserving, and have been and are going to find a way. Be easy on yourself. 

Unfortunately, being easy doesn't always seem so easy, but it's still the best starting point I've known that felt okay.

[Three Roses]

I'm sorry things are rough for you right now.  don't know what else to say but I wanted you to know you've been heard.

[Convalescent]

Thanks for the replies, haven't been here in a long time...

[Convalescent]

Wow, what hellish couple of last months... my therapist got sick when we started to really get into things, and I haven't got an apointment for a couple of more weeks. It's been * opening up those wounds and the therapist just disappearing. Triggers a lot.

So where am I at... I don't know if I should say this online, but I'll take my chances. I think I've been sexually abused. It's not something that I can rationally explain, I've just got this awful feeling. Makes me sick just writing about it.
My relationship with my girlfriend is... troubled. Our relationship is ok, but I'm tense, sometimes I find it hard to be touched or kissed. It's the best relationship I've been in, but it's also very tough to have someone so close.
It's awful being alone in my apartment... I get so restless, and something that I can't quite put into words. I binge-eat, binge drink, binge... a lot of things. And I just can't be in my own skin. Like I'm waiting, and have been waiting for ages for something. Want to work, can't work, want to something. I don't know what.

I used to talk to my mother about my problems, now I just can't. I get so easily irritated with her, and just can't talk to her. Just want to be somewhere else. And I love her, and miss her at the same time. Lot of stuff from my childhood and youth resurfacing. I sometimes talk to my girlfriend, but it's hard talking to someone close. Easier talking to someone you don't know so well.

I can't remember the last time I relaxed.... well, yeah. Half a year ago.

My god...

[Three Roses]

That could certainly be very triggering, to have your T be unavailable as soon as you start uncovering stuff!

I would say, trust your instincts. So many of us have uncovered memories just by listening to what our bodies seem to be trying to tell us.

It's important for us to move at a pace that's comfortable, although it's tempting to try to rush through things. It seems no matter what symptoms you're experiencing, someone else here in the forum will have had the same experience and/or feelings. It can feel very uncomfortable when you start to openly discuss things that your abusers wanted you to keep silent about, but we're here to listen when you want to talk. 

[Convalescent]

Haven't been writing in here for ages...

So what has happened? I've moved in with my girlfriend, I've stopped drinking, stopped taking antidepressant. Started with a new therapist (the last one was no good, lack of understanding, yelling at me for things, wouldn't accept that I was drinking at the time, thought I was disrespectful towards her).

The last couple of months have escalated and I'm going through *. I'm really on edge, all the time. Getting really anxious from nothing, my mind is a torture chamber, I can't drive anymore. I can't ... it just makes me really nervous.

I try so hard to get to where I can live a normal life. I try so goddamn hard with therapy and getting my life together. To move on. But it doesn't work. I feel like *. I feel like the world is a cold and ugly place, I feel like I can't trust anyone, I feel like I'm a failure.

I don't want to deal with anything anymore. I want to quit therapy.

[Three Roses]

I stopped taking my antidepressant last year, and stayed off for a while but am back on them, although a different type. I wasn't thinking clearly, and had to fight constantly to just keep my nose above water, if you know what I mean. Thoughts of death plagued me. I found it difficult to drive. I was afraid all the time. I'm much happier in antidepressants.

I'm sorry to hear your therapist was, how shall I put this -  not competent, not trauma informed?... and mistreated you. We are here to listen.

[Convalescent]

I stopped taking my antidepressant last year, and stayed off for a while but am back on them, although a different type. I wasn't thinking clearly, and had to fight constantly to just keep my nose above water, if you know what I mean. Thoughts of death plagued me. I found it difficult to drive. I was afraid all the time. I'm much happier in antidepressants.

I'm sorry to hear your therapist was, how shall I put this -  not competent, not trauma informed?... and mistreated you. We are here to listen.

Thanks for replying, that means a lot. Yeah, that's about how it is for me now. I feel like I'm on edge most of the time, getting really anxious for just answering the door, talking with someone for a short amount of time. Afterwards, I feel really shaky and scared/overwhelmed. Kinda baffles me. I stopped talking antidepressant for two to three months ago... I was on 10 mg cipralex, although I really didn't think they'd done anything for me. I tried them just to try, and didn't really think they'd done anything, so I quit. Mostly because I gained some pounds and wanted to lose weight. So... the first couple of weeks were *. A lot of anxiety, a lot of emotions, anger, sadness, the works. And a lot of brain-zapping and fatigue. So... no brain-zapping or withdrawal-symptoms now, but yeah. I am where I am. Maybe they had more effect than I thought. I don't like the thought of taking an artificially  made chemical that effects how my brain works, but maybe I should begin again. This is too much. I'm not drinking as of almost 4 months now... even though I wasn't drinking everyday, or alone, I was using it as a coping mechanism big-time, and really getting hammered just about everytime I get drunk. It really became a problem, it was almost over between me and my fiancee, so I decided, after thinking it really through, to give it up. So... I used sugar as a coping mechanism too, got that one down to a minimum. And quit antidepressants. And I'm really going into the works on my father with my therapist. Not just my father, but my life up until this point. How things have impacted my life in a much bigger sense than I thought. It's a lot to take in. A lot. Just the other day I threw everything I've gotten from my father. Tossed it in a bag. Afterwards I went berserk on it. Just happened. Right in front of my girlfriend. I felt really bad thinking I've made her scared... turns out it was ok. She's a good support. She's been through some things herself, so she knows how it is.

So... I'm trying to put all this crap in my life behind me. I'm thinking that I have to stop this at some point. I don't want to go the rest of my life "dealing". I want to arrive somewhere... I know that some wounds are probably too deep to heal, and that I'll have scars for life. That's ok. But I don't want to use everyday to think and deal and try and work with all of this. But I'm not ready to move on or put things behind me as of yet, anyway.

It's so hard... been given these cards in life... it's so excruciatingly hard to deal with all of life with this trauma on my back. In my body. In my head. In my everywhere.

[marta1234]

I just wanted to send a supportive hug, if it's ok and tell you that I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I very much feel what you are talking about, the endless trudge up a hill. Hope you find some relief or comfort

[Convalescent]

I just wanted to send a supportive hug, if it's ok and tell you that I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I very much feel what you are talking about, the endless trudge up a hill. Hope you find some relief or comfort

Thank you, that's one of the good things with this forum - feeling like you're not alone 

[Three Roses]

You are most definitely not alone. 

[Convalescent]

Here I am again... I almost can't remember how this is like. It's been some years. Feels like I can't be present at all. Like I need to have my head under water to not drown in thoughts and feelings. Like holding my hands over my ears. When I remove them, the noise is just too painful. It feels like I'm in a trance. In a dream. And I'm so sleepy. I feel like I could sleep 16 hours of the day.
Thought I'd gotten myself out of this hole some days ago, but the gravity sucks me back in.  I'm flooded with thoughts and feelings of being worthless, a failure. Everything is hard. Trapped under ice. I can't understand why this is coming now. Fear and depression so powerful. It feels like everything is unsafe, and I think I got that feeling back again from long ago... wanting a father figure, a mentor, someone safe in all this.

I'm thinking and dreaming a lot about the past. When I smoked a lot of weed, how that affected me.  My self-esteem was just as low as it can get. It was ok when I started, but after some time I just felt really really low. I kept smoking though, it kinda worked as an anesthesia as well. I got bullied for smoking and drinking to the point where I'd just pass off, throw up, or became like a zombie and could barely talk. That part of my life is something I haven't talked about a great deal, or "dealt with". My teen years. I don't really know what happened there. I thought I just "didn't give a ****", but that was just to mask the problem. My mom was out looking for me a lot, I heard from her. Didn't get home when I was supposed to, just went to people and got really wasted, and stayed there for the night. There's a lot of hurtful stuff about the past... things I don't... well, I get it, but it's painful and strange to look back at. The ways I acted, the choices I made. I've wished so many times for a different past and childhood, another life. Life just skipped forward, fast forward and here I am now, 37 years old. Doesn't feel like it at all. I'm trying the best I can to make a good life for myself and my fiance, but it isn't easy. There's all these things underneath the surface, tensions and uneasyness hiding feelings and past tenses. And now, a couple of weeks ago, I just drowned. I guess I've always used alcohol as something to regulate my feelings. Not on a daily basis, but it's been something to go to. Maybe it's that I stopped completely drinking 4 months ago. It's been 16 years, if not since I started drinking, since I had that long a break. It's not a break though, I stopped. I had to. I stopped antidepressants too. But it's been a long time since I've been here I am now, even before I started with antidepressants again.
It's like I just fade out when I'm like this. I can't find any words, I am not really here. I know that's a way of dealing with stuff that I used a lot in my childhood. I'd be bullied for being lethargic, or lazy. I just shut dowm. Staring out the windows, not talking. Stayed in my own world.

It's hard living with my fiancee now. I want to be with her, I want to be alone. I change between those two a lot now. I've talked about things with her, and she knows what I'm dealing with and understands a lot. Even so, it's hard. I'm feeling so low that I can't understand why she'd wanna be with me. So I try to "be the best version of me". But that gets tiresome and... I don't want to hold up a facade. That's not what I want a girlfriend for. It's just lonely. And hard.

Everything just feels like a dream right now.

[Convalescent]

I feel really really vulnerable, and I've had this feeling the most of my life. And there hasn't been room for this state of mind at all.