Complicated Grief _TRIGGER WARNING

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BeHea1thy

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Complicated Grief _TRIGGER WARNING
« on: July 02, 2019, 01:45:36 PM »
I have not spoken publicly about a lot of things, but I'm trying this out as a test to see if I  can tolerate it.

Yesterday I was feeling spacey and strange and noticed lately that I've retreated into my  reliable coping mechanism of watching streaming media for hours on end. The subject matter deals with crime solving, with a heavy psychological component. On this show, as many others, there is closure and the perpetrator always gets caught. I like those "happy endings."

At 2:30 AM, I finally realized that July 1 was the day my M took her life 45 years ago, shortly before my birthday. I was 22. And the event is all tangled up with the way she handled my congenital birth defeat of a dislocated hip, now called developmental hip dysplasia. For the first year of my life, the neglect caused by 3 children in diapers, mental illness parading as religious fanaticism  and my F's alcoholism, no one noticed. At approximately 18 mos -2 years, I was casted in a double hip full body spica cast, which left a scar on my lower spine. I have 2 photos of me during this period, both grinning absurdly; one sitting in a chair immobilized and one standing on my "good leg" in a crib, holding onto the edge with the other leg in the air.

These two pictures say a lot to me. One of the primary ways to care for a child in this cast is to prevent the kind of antics I'm shown doing. Conversations with family members revealed that my nickname was "rubberlegs". I find this so tragic and appalling. These pictures sum up my childhood amnesia and decades of somatic complaints to due revulsion and powerlessness. It ushered in a 15 year period of sexual abuse by multiple family members; much of which I've not "overcome" and which prevents me from forming any meaningful romantic attachments.

The point here is that there's still repercussions, even though my parents and both sets of grandparents are dead. I can't get enthused about organizing my photo albums any more because of the toxicity. I am temporarily stuck in a dead zone of amazement, anger, disbelief and rage that I never received health care even after the cast came off. Scoliosis has followed me my entire life, and sickeningly shown on my DEXA scans. I have been in chronic pain for 15 years. It takes a lot of motivation and persistence to exercise so I can move at least part of the day with minimal pain.

I've occasionally managed to be charitable towards the upbringing of my parents, but find myself wallowing now and then in shallow water where my boat is stuck on the rocks of memories. Sometimes I lose the paddle, but then, I always find it again. July is a tough month.


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Tee

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Re: Complicated Grief _TRIGGER WARNING
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2019, 06:07:12 PM »
 I'm so sorry that happened to you and you are still dealing with it. Trigger dates are really hard for me too.  Good luck.  Hugs know you are not alone!  You deserved so much better than that! :grouphug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Complicated Grief _TRIGGER WARNING
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2019, 09:14:18 PM »
Words fail me, BeHea1thy.  :'( for child and teenager you.  :hug: :bighug:

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notalone

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Re: Complicated Grief _TRIGGER WARNING
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2019, 09:23:20 PM »
So much pain. So many different types of abuse. Such a long time period. My heart goes out to you, BeHea1thy. I am sorry for all you experienced and the continued physical and emotional consequences that you are experiencing.

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Three Roses

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Re: Complicated Grief _TRIGGER WARNING
« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2019, 04:06:17 PM »
My heart just aches for that child! How much she had to endure. You are strong and brave to look at it. I volunteer to bring my canoe and oars next to yours and help you off those rocks!

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Kizzie

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Re: Complicated Grief _TRIGGER WARNING
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2019, 05:01:16 PM »
All that you have written about is just so tragic and appalling BeHea1thy. I'm glad you took the risk to reach out and finally tell.  I hope it will help you to get through what is understandably a tough month for you.  :grouphug:

I wanted to add that I too am stuck between having some compassion for my parents and the trauma they went thru, and the anger & grief I feel over what I went thru, continue to go thru and what I lost.  It's unsettling to feel such conflicting and complicated feelings to say the least. :hug:




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Kizzie

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Re: Complicated Grief _TRIGGER WARNING
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2019, 06:02:09 PM »
I agree about learning to hold or tolerate conflicting thoughts/feelings, it describes what I've been feeling; oscillating sometimes between the two but coming back to holding now versus going away. Despite the discomfort, I have come to believe my sense of compassion tempers my anger and vice versa and that it's important to feel both.

I don't know how this will play out in the future as I recover  :Idunno:  but I'm (mostly) content to let things unfold and trust I will find my way.

Anyway, glad you reached out and shared   :grouphug:

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Three Roses

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Re: Complicated Grief _TRIGGER WARNING
« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2019, 10:52:41 PM »
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