Invisible or seen not sure which was worse! Possible Trigger Warning

[Tee]

I've had a really rough week battling flashbacks and nightmares.  I know we all struggle with our own inner thoughts of we aren't good enough and illogical anxieties about things. My Therapist keeps telling me that I need to tell her the things my NM is saying in my head during these flashbacks because they are lies and that way she can combat that then with truths. Well as I have mulled this over this week this is what I have come up with. 

TW
From the earliest time I can remember about 2 I was fending for myself and helping take care of my baby brother that was 2 years younger than me.  If I was invisible and kept the baby happy then I was just mostly a little hungry. 
If the baby was crying or hurt then I soon would be to, and if I was"seen" by which I mean if I was in the way, asked for something, crying, wearing the wrong thing and my NM was the only one around I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused.
End TW

Now this was the case from 2-7 my little brother was my charge and if he got hurt I got in trouble.  It only happened when my dad and older brother weren't around and the worse was when I was "disciplined" because the schooled called to tell my mother that I had been crying all day at school the day my best friend had died in fire. But they bothered my mom I need them not to call but they didn't listen they wanted to inform her how upset I was.

Well that was when I fractured myself and became totally invisible allowing a fake"perfect" be what people could see and I left and hid deep inside my own mind for a really long time. Till I was about 15.

I don't know how to put into words all that runs through my head during the flashbacks from 2-7 some of them I can some not so much. I remember just wanting to know why mommy didn't love me. I guess my little still feels that way. Invisible or seen there was no love.

[Three Roses]

Neglect is one of the worst forms of abuse to go thru. It's horrible. My heart goes out to the child you were, I wish I could hug all or broken inner kids! 

[Kizzie]

Being invisible and being perfect are common strategies many of us had to use to survive Tee and I'm so sorry you had to do this also.  Bringing the pain. anger and grief to the surface is so difficult as many of us know, but it really can help defuel/process things, debunk the lies you learned about yourself and just not feel so alone with everything   

[Blueberry]

TW
If the baby was crying or hurt then I soon would be to, and if I was"seen" by which I mean if I was in the way, asked for something, crying, wearing the wrong thing and my NM was the only one around I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused.
End TW

I read this earlier and was at a loss for words. It reminds me of some of what went on in my childhood too. Especially "being in the way" or crying. Those were big no-nos. Lots of empathy for little you and for present day you too 

the worse was when I was "disciplined" because the school called to tell my mother that I had been crying all day at school the day my best friend had died in fire. .. they wanted to inform her how upset I was.

Different situations but reminds me of how my M and my F would get angry if they thought any of us children were 'imposing' on someone by which they meant being helped and M and F would get especially annoyed if somebody seemed to be taking my side or even just encouraging me. Sort of like personal affront / parents felt 'criticised' by somebody else noticing their child (me) had feelings.  for little you on that day at school.

I don't know how to put into words all that runs through my head during the flashbacks from 2-7 some of them I can some not so much. I remember just wanting to know why mommy didn't love me. I guess my little still feels that way. Invisible or seen the was no love.

I, too, often wondered why my parents didn't love me. I think it's just awful that some of us had to grow up not just feeling no love but also wondering why that was. I know now that it wasn't on you or me. It had nothing to do with us. It was your M and my parents who were incapable of loving you and me due to whatever in their own lives. I'm not writing that as an excuse for them either - just that their treatment of us doesn't say anything about our worth.

[Tee]

Thank you 3R for your hugs and support. I'm not really sure if the neglect was worse than being seen though not really.

Thanks for your kind words of wisdom Kizzie. I know it's the modes in which I survived I'm just tired of surviving.

Blueberry I'm sorry your childhood was so similar to mine.  It's awful! I hope you weren't triggered in reading my post.  Being not alone in the horror of my childhood just makes me sad that others had to deal with that similar bull.  it does give me hope in reading other posts about making progress in healing though that maybe one day my crap cycles will spread out longer than a few hours at a time that they currently will afford me if I stay busy enough on specific tasks.
  Thank you all for your stories and support.

[Not Alone]

I remember just wanting to know why mommy didn't love me. I guess my little still feels that way. Invisible or seen there was no love.

Tee,
It breaks my heart that you were so alone and unloved. You are a precious person worthy of love, tenderness, and kindness.  I understand about the fracturing and also about wanting and trying to not be seen. You are heard now and what you have to say and what you feel is important and valuable.

[Blueberry]

No worries, Tee. I wasn't triggered. TWs are in place partly so that any mbr can decide not to read and/or not to engage with the emotions.

I'm just glad that I and others on here can give you some hope of healing. 

[cynditk]

Thank you for sharing this Tee. Im so sorry you had to live through that. It sounds like you are making good progress in therapy. I am sending big hugs to your inner kids!!! 

[Tee]

Thanks cynditk