Tired of emotions

[Tee]

Emotions are so exhausting.  Good as well as bad.  I'm in school to become an OTA because when my emotions returned and my memories flooded back and I had to start freaking with my past I couldn't be infront of little kids all day as teacher.  I took myself out of that roll before something happened and I lost my license.

Most of the time when I say to someone I hate emotions they say well about love and joy and happiness?  To that I think they are so hard to take all of the time. don't get me wrong I find these things in my kids and am thankful for that. However, anywhere else I feel myself starting to feel excitement or or joy I feel I need to stop myself before I'm rudely awakened with the reality of I'm not meant to be happy.  I'm really excited about this new job opportunity at my work,. It will get me out of the kitchen where I have been for over a year, and working with troubled youth.  I know this may be triggering and also sound horrifying to others but as a teacher it would give me a place to help and hours that would allow me to do school and see my own kids big bonus. So I feel myself going for it and then part of me screaming stop don't your not going to get stop thinking you will your just going to be devastated when you don't.

Then there's the fake smile I put in everyday as I walk around the hospital saying hi, and what a great day I'm having, as I push my cart to deliver food.  It's horrid.  I'm not great far from it I've got the worse horror stories running through my head about 20/24 hours a day I get a little reprieve if I'm hyper focused on something else.  I really do hate all emotions.  They just exhaust me and when I don't sleep anyway I'm already exhausted.

[Bach]

Tee, I get it about how even being excited about something positive is exhausting.  Even sometimes just feeling good.  I have trauma reactions  to feeling confidence or feeling good about myself.  I feel you, life is exhausting and so scary.  Pretty much everything is a trigger when you grow up neglected and abused.

[Tee]

Thanks Bach yeah I don't think there's a much that doesn't trigger me at the moment.  I meant to write dealing with with my past. But I think freaking works too so I think I'll leave the typo.  Thanks for your comments.

[Blueberry]

Hi Tee,

I understand about all emotions being exhausting too. It's OK to take a break from feeling, if that makes sense. 

[Tee]

I'm not sure how to do the Blueberry.  I had everything turned off for so long that when the switch got turned back to on it's just super overwhelming most of the time.  I have learned to control my temper and not fly off the handle at everyone all the time which is what I did at first when I was flipping between myself and my fracture intially. But since she's reintegrated I can't really shut my emotions down anymore. 

Please don't take this the wrong way I'm a special education teacher and I feel like my emotional feelings at this point might be on like high alert similar to sensory feelings are in kids with autism. There's no turning them down it's just learning to deal with the over stimulation.  If makes any sense. I don't know.  I've been numb and invisible my whole life now at times I wish I could go back to that.

[Three Roses]

Part of my past employment history was as a substitute teaching assistant. I would regularly sub in a class that had some autistic kids. One young boy was my absolute favorite (he would interact with only one teacher and myself & I felt honored). His parents sent a "wrap" to school with him, which he loved to be wrapped tightly in. It was like a very light sleeping bag, sheet-thin. It was the only way he could relax enough to take an afternoon nap.

I'm not sure that's helpful information but I thought I'd mention it. You need some down time! 

[Tee]

Thanks 3R mine isn't sensory mines emotional.  But yes I know all about deep pressure wraps and things like that. It's great for sensory seeking and sometimes grounding activities. Sometimes I have a weighted lap pad during therapy to help keep grounded.

I wish there was a way of trying off my emotions again sometimes. 

[Not Alone]

I had everything turned off for so long that when the switch got turned back to on it's just super overwhelming most of the time. 

I understand that, Tee. I think for myself, I need to work more on the tools that my therapist has given me so that I am not feeling overwhelmed and flooded so much of the time.

[Blueberry]

Please don't take this the wrong way I'm a special education teacher and I feel like my emotional feelings at this point might be on like high alert similar to sensory feelings are in kids with autism. There's no turning them down it's just learning to deal with the over stimulation.  If makes any sense. I don't know.  I've been numb and invisible my whole life now at times I wish I could go back to that.

That makes sense. I'm not taking it the wrong way. I also don't know how to suggest you take a break from feeling. Best person for that is probably your T. But maybe it isn't the correct thing for you either.

[Tee]

I work very hard to get through my day, to keep from taking apart. I'm not sure what to do with some of the most recent comments from my T.

She said, " You are one of the hardest working people on your recovery that if ever worked with."

But then later she said I need to try harder to believe I'm allowed to make mistakes, because until I believe that no matter how hard I work I will continue to work and end up right back in the same place beating myself up for not doing well enough.

I told her I'm trying but I'm not sure I can do that with breaking.

This morning she told morning in a text that she thinks I'm currently struggling with toxic shame.  I'm not even sure I know how to take that. She didn't elaborate.

I didn't think I was but oh boy now my ICr is going to town.

[Not Alone]

Tee, I sense the weight of all you are bearing. I wish I could give you a vacation from all these difficult feelings. 

[MoonBeam]

I'm sorry its so hard Tee. And it is hard. We couldn't allow ourselves the luxury of feeling for so long ( and it did feel like a luxury in a lot of ways to me) that when emotion does return, it tends to come in overwhelming bursts. It makes sense we would have no idea how to regulate what we experience. I still feel that I will be swallowed up and won't be able to find my way back when I start to experience emotions often, but I can say that is does get better. It gets a little easier every time. And that has only been because I've had help. I've had support.

When the emotion wave hits I've learned to reach out. And that has helped me, having an anchor. That's what I say--that I need an anchor, so I won't get pulled out to sea. It's been primarily my T who I've reached out to and she's been there with me. And now i have a friend I can call too and here, posting here. That's been huge. Sometimes all I need is to let someone know I'm in it and that has been enough. Just to let someone else know. We are not alone in this anymore. We are worthy of care and support. We just have a lot of feels that never got to come out. That were never honored or validated.

Keep reaching out. We have a lot of healing to do. A lot of relearning. A lot of trust to develop. Trust in others and trust in ourselves that we will get through. And eventually we will experience emotion and it will not feel like it's swallowing us whole, but will release some of the pain and in that we can find healing and relief.

Hang in dear Tee. I'm thinking of you. And if I may be bold, I don't think you survived all these years just to break now. I think you are heading towards healing and that's why it's so intense. You can do this. You are brave and truly amazing.   

[Jazzy]

I think you are heading towards healing and that's why it's so intense. You can do this. You are brave and truly amazing.   

I agree with this 100%! Its a big step forward to go from not feeling, to being overwhelmed. It's interesting you should bring up ASD. I've had one psych tell me that I'm on the spectrum, one tell me I'm not, and some unsure. Either way, I've often said that what I feel is at least 10x stronger than what the average person feels. So, I guess its part of the CPTSD, maybe it relates to the hyper-vigilance part?

It really is a positive step forward though, going from no feeling to too much. It takes a while to find the right balance. You just need to keep at it, and it will get better. But with that said, I totally get the feeling of just needed a break for a bit. There's something to be said for a moderate amount of positive emotion, but finding peace is really important too. There's a lot of places we can find it, music, meditation, physical activity... I'm sure we all know the list.

Maybe you can work on calmness for a while? No matter what, just tell yourself its alright and this (any) situation can be dealt with. I know ICr makes it difficult, but try to see things positively, either way. Maybe you get the job, great, it helps you get out of the kitchen. Maybe you don't get the job, great, it leaves you available for a better opportunity.

Sounds like your T thinks very highly of you. That's great. You are one of the hardest working people, that is very commendable. I think they are trying to encourage you to keep working by saying you need to try harder. Maybe it could be worded a bit better. You could always tell her that you need to find peace. Everything is turned up to 11 right? Well, its okay... you'll get through it. And you will make mistakes, and that is okay too! That is how you will learn it is okay to make them. It will be fine. Just breathe.

Maybe you can use music to distract yourself from the horror stories in your heads? Or try to memorize a poem or something you can keep redirecting your thoughts towards. It will probably take some practice, but that's okay too. Everything will be okay. Take care!