Therapist referred me to psychiatrist for depression

[LilyITV]

I have been going to therapy a little over a year.  I've been making good progress in many areas.  However, I've had problems with asserting myself, particularly when it comes to issues in my blended family.  My 17 year old stepdaughter came to live with us full time 1.5 years ago.  I feel badly for her  since she's been here I've been her punching bag for all her negativity and my husband, like any parent would, always backs her.  Instead of speaking my truth, I tend to just grin and bear it just to keep peace, and it's taken a toll on me mentally.

The worst is that six weeks ago my 19 year old stepdaughter was killed in a random mass shooting while away at college right before she was to come home for the summer.  I really loved this girl and of course my husband is crushed.   Life will never be the same for us.  When she would come home, everything was right in my house and we all got along.  It sounds pathetic, but now I feel like I'm going to be at the mercy of my 17 year old stepdaughter.  She's gone to visit her sister for six weeks, and my therapist has encouraged me to talk openly and honestly about my feelings now while she's gone and there's no distractions, but I just don't have it in me.  Talking about this was difficult before, but now the degree of difficulty has ratcheting up times 1000.  I don't feel like I can bring up issues like this while my husband is in the throes of grief--and me too to some extent.  I told my therapist that I'd rather just enjoy this time right now with my husband even though I feel like disaster is right around the corner.   

My last session with my therapist, she told me that she thought I might be suffering with depression and might need some medicine to give me a little boost.  She noted that I had pretty much stopped doing all the self care type things I had been doing before and that I had been giving in to a negative way of thinking of the world.  She asked me how I felt at work that day and I said "neutral", which apparently was not a good answer.    She asked me how I felt about taking medicine, and I said "indifferent," which pretty much confirmed her suspicion.  So I have an appointment set up for Thursday. 

I had already known that I fit the profile for dysthymia and already suspected that I had suffered from bouts of major depression from time  to time.  It does take a lot of will power for me to get going in the mornings and to do mundane tasks, but I do function and manage to meet my responsibilities.   But to hear it coming from someone else, I guess really brought the reality home.  I hope it works but at the same time, what if it doesn't work and I'm stuck like this forever?  At least before I didn't even realize there was something wrong.

Oh yeah, and my 79 year old MIL also had to be hospitalized for heart troubles and is having triple bypass surgery today.  My own mom is dead and so she is the only grandmother my two young children know.  When it rains it pours...It is really hard for me to understand why I'm not supposed to have a negative outlook on life when bad things keep happening out of the blue. 

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful step daughter. She sounds like a lovely person who brightened her surroundings and cheered those around her. And with all the other stressors in your life, it sounds like you could use some extra support.

When bad things keep happening, especially the violent loss of a child, it's heart breaking and covers the whole world in shades of gray, blotting out the sun. I'm standing beside you in this, LilyITV, as you walk through these difficult times.

[Not Alone]

I am so sorry for the loss of your step daughter. My heart goes out to you, your husband, and everyone in your family.

[Tee]

I'm sorry for your loss!  My heart goes out to you and your family.

[LilyITV]

Thanks so much everyone.  I've been reading up on depression and starting to feel a bit more hopeful that medication might help me.  It's amazing to me that with as much as you hear about depression, I never once connected the dots and realized I was suffering from it. 

I also had a good therapy session yesterday that focused on finding little things to help me get out of the rut I'm in.  Then I got good news that MIL's heart surgery was a huge success and is making impressive gains in recovery.  And this is small, but I felt like celebrating--when I went to get my allergy shot, I found out I am finally at the point where I can come in once every two weeks instead of twice a week.

My appointment with the psychiatrist is tomorrow morning.   I am now kicking myself for getting an early morning appointment because now I am worried I won't be able to get up and get ready on time.  I am going to muster up all the willpower I can to make this happen. 

[Bach]

I'm so sorry for your loss, LilyITV.  What a terrible situation.  Good for you for doing what you can to help yourself, and not just giving up in the face of so much adversity.  That's the hardest thing in the world sometimes, especially in a situation that has caused such grief and disruption to such important people in your life.  I'm glad that your MIL is doing better, and that your allergy situation is improving.  Best wishes for health and strength for you and your whole family.