More reflections as I recover

[jamesG.1]

Saturday morning and despite my best efforts, no sleep in.

Last night I was alone in the flat which is now pretty much ready for the move into my girlfriend's place. Very complex emotions.

It's been a challenging week. There was a minor altercation at work where my PTSd symptoms came close to getting mangled with some internal politics, loss of concentration made a minor error that caught my manager out after he'd taken a swipe at another team and he was then made to look stupid as a reprisal. Actually, it wasn't remotely my fault and I managed to sail through, despite getting a mouthful quite out of nowhere. It was a good exercise. People are going to do these things and I have to weather them regardless of the rights and wrongs, and I did. But what I note is that even if you do, the emotional control is exhausting and I really felt it afterwards. It was all blown over fast and things went back to normal but yowza, far too close to the knuckle.

The move is a bit nerve-wracking too, I love my GF but I'll be going from a safe house to a few unknowns, with all the testing ups and downs of two teenage daughters, incoming menopause and the day to day chess game that is a relationship. But shedding this flat will be a major improvement, it's been a real battle staying on top of the simplest bills and admin. Hard to say why, but I'm sure you'll all agree that C-PTSD and running your affairs is just not easy. My short-term memory tripped me up all the way along, and I just couldnt budget for the life of me. The only way I could manage was to sail right up to the edge and use worry to motivate last minute paperwork and financing.  It's going to be a huge weight off my back.

But the relationship is the thing. My C-PTSD was caused by long drawn out attrition, dealing with 4 people utterly unable to back down and all adept at gaslighting, temper control and the manipulative power of mood. Several times with my new GF I've hit what are probably just the usual ups and downs of a relationship, but I find that hard to get into my head because I'm primed for things that are so much worse and I then go into a spin. But credit to her, she always seems to balance things in her own unique way and I calm down again. But it's going to be there, and I have to watch I don't slide into long term mood issues.

Right now the job stuff is settling well and the cash is rolling. There is talk of a long contract down the line, depending on a few deals on this project going through, which is likely. My book sales are climbing too as the hard work on my marketing starts to pay off, so positives. Yes.

But the C-PTSD is still there, transitioning now to something more like a depression and less a panic. Flashbacks are getting rarer, but there is still fatigue to contend to, and periods of lousy concentration. It's hard to see the progress at times tho, but my friends here are rather vocal about how far I've come. It's a bit like climbing a gradual slope, you don't sense the altitude until you turn round and look back. When I look back now it's very clear that I've been very ill, very close to bowing out and that I was very, very badly treated... that I'm still here is a testament to my stubbornness. Frankly, I wouldnt give them the satisfaction of my implosion, it would have given them a 'get out of jail card' to help them reconcile their behaviour and attitude and that musnt happen. So I hung on. It was horrible, no question. To be trapped in your own head with the sheer volume of doubts and fears and pain that C-PTSD causes, and to feel that nothing and no-one is going to come to your assistance is without doubt as bad as it can get. But I don't need to tell any of you that, and my heart breaks for you all and the terrible injustices that bring you in here.

So, what has made the greatest impact during my recovery?

top ten.

1. Research.
Go online and study the brain, psychology. anything that gives an overview. Knowledge is power. C-PTSD is a phenomenon born of brain anatomy and chemistry meeting forces it should not be dealing with. I found it hugely helpful to separate my experience from myself in isolation and put it in a wider context, because it became clear how little I was to blame for the results. Essentially, almost anyone in the same position would have had the same experience.

2. To err is human.
Be fair on yourself. You don't need to be perfect, faultless and blameless. Show yourself some understanding and accept that high standards are a desire, not an exam you take. There is no right or wrong here, and separating ridiculous overbearing pressures from society or close associations and your own realistic abilities is essential. So much of what society pushes at us is a nonsense. Be human.

3. Identify the voice.
When you feel doubts and insecurity and that inner and outer critic is raging, try to identify who that voice is speaking it. Invariably there will be a someone who has got deep into your mind and is busy undermining you by remote. Identify and switch them off, they have no right to be there. Steer your life according to our own moral compass and your own essential needs, not to pacify the dogma of others.

4. Who your friends are.
This was a tough issue for me, because the people I desperately needed and wanted to be there simply didn't come through. Very nasty emotions over that. However, I definitely also missed help when it was given, a sort of blindness kicked in. But in time a few real stars have emerged and a new life with strong alliances is forming. So what I'm saying is, if your friends don't show, or if they only show up with condescension and the other cliches regarding mental health, then back off and concentrate on those people that deliver the friendship and understanding you need and deserve. Don't bother making a point of this change in your feelings towards them, just leave the fairweather people for another time and build with the people beside you in the hard times.

5. Plan for bumps
Bumps are a thing, and you will have them. If you expect them then they will be a lot less frightening. Perversely, they feel worse as you get better, like a mountain climber with vertigo, the higher you climb, the worse the view. Feeling like you are slipping backwards is horrible, but it comes and it goes. Tell the people you trust what theyh are like and be honest about it.

6. Meds
This is a very personal one for me, but anti-depressants were a disaster. You can't just smother this issues because it needs sorting. It's like an untidy room, closing the door will only postpone the task of tidying. You have to feel the whole ghast;y thing out before it settles. Think of your brain like messed up tangled hair. You have to brush it again and again to get the knots out and yes, it hurts, it's a pain. But you can't wear a hat to cover it up for long. The beta-blocker route has worked tho. Propranalol. It's a good way to head off a building storm.

7. Write.
Talking to people is good, but it can wear them down, or cost a fortune. Writing it down really helps, which is why I'm doing this, because you have to organise your thoughts and mine out the issues that are niggling away at you. I've tried articulating things creatively but to be honest it doesnt play ball, what seems best, at least for me, is to be expressive about the symptoms, causes and feelings about a better way. Often, I've managed to separate my doubts about my ex-partner in particular, making it very obvious through writing things down, that I had no choice but to walk away. Sitting and bubbling away alone with your thoughts can lead to dangerous bends and dead ends where the doubts win despite the facts being fully in your toolkit. So make lists, remeber incidents that define the trauma and clarify the reason why you need to be free.

8. Self harm.
Alcohol was my go to for a while. Still occasionally is. Don't. It may seem obvious to say this, but drink, drugs, self harm... don't. Don't do their work for them. Alcohol only fixes things in the moment, and then is followed by it being a lot less fixed, which is hardly a solution. You won't gain control over these things right away, if ever, but keep an eye on it and use it wisely. Again, what is in your best interest... do that. (I'm telling myself here!)

9. Abnormal is normal.
C-PTSD is not rare, unique or unusual. Pain, separation, abandonment... abuse... horrible things happen all the time, everywhere. The fact they happened to us does not make us freaks. In fact, in time they will furnish us with unusual skills and insights many don't have but the simple truth is that this is a big club. Take heart from the fact that we are good people in terrible situations, but our humanity is something to be proud of. The more human you are, the more these aberrations will hurt, because the bewilderment becomes enhanced when you are sensitive and kind in yourself. The world is full of monsters. But is it tho? Largely no, most people are kind, thoughtful and honest, but sadly that small majority of narcissists and psychotics make a lot of noise and they can be overwhelming. Well, I know who I'd rather be around.

10. It takes time
Don't expect too much. Time heals. You have to reset your operating system one neuron at a time and it's a slow business. Take all the help you can get and celebrate the milestones. You will get there. Promise.

x

[Snowdrop]

I'm so inspired by how far you've come, and it helps to hear from someone who's further along in their recovery. I'm nodding along as I read your Top Ten as there are so many practical things in there that I can learn from. Thank you.

[Tee]

Thank you for sharing.  I really like your ten steps. Some of them are affirming that I'm on the right path and some I need to keep telling myself.

Good luck with your job and move.

[Three Roses]

This post speaks volumes to me! I'm so encouraged by the level of your recovery, so glad to hear you've got a love, and a family, who love and support you.

I like this:

People are going to do these things and I have to weather them regardless of the rights and wrongs, and I did.

Your top 10's are encouraging and insightful, thank you for listing them. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks JamesG. I don't know your story but I recognise a lot in your writing. It's great you have a loving new gf to move in with and it sounds like things are really looking up! Best of luck and thanks again for sharing.