Noodle’s journey

[mikenoodle]

Hey all. I just recently joined and I wanted to share some of the things that I go through as I recover from a full-blown C-PTSD relapse. I was in bad shape and didn't know if I was going to make it, but the episode is over now, the healing has begun and tomorrow I head back to work for the first time in 6 weeks.

I'll try to add to it as often as I can.

Today, I am excited to get back to work. Not anxious, but actual excitement.

My boss and my company have been incredibly supportive and I know that I am incredibly lucky to have them on my side.

The past 2 days I have had some real peace in my life. Not a bunch of stress, just relaxation and rest.

I woke to an alarm today just to see how I would react and it went perfectly. (Long story, maybe some other time, but let's say that i've never really slept very well.)

That's it for today. I'll give a first day back report tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

[Not Alone]

Glad you have experienced rest and also excitement about going back to work. Hope it goes well tomorrow.

[Tee]

  good luck and welcome!

[Three Roses]

Wishing you luck! 

[mikenoodle]

Two days in and it's been great! Exhausting but great! I have great rapport with my co-workers and so the love they they showed me as I came back was both touching and uplifting.

The way their faces lit up when they saw me, the hugs from nearly everyone (there's a story there, but another time) made me feel so loved that I can hardly express it.

That said, I experienced a difficult time sleeping last night, which is always my bellwether signal, so I have committed to taking it easy while at work for at least a little while.

I'll write more this weekend. I'm tired now and need to go to sleep.

Good night friends

[Tee]

  yeah for happy reunions!

Take care of yourself look forward to hearing more!

[mikenoodle]

Things are continuing to improve. This weekend was more stressful than I thought it would be. I need to be more patient. And I need to keep telling myself that.

It seems like many things in my life have had a disproportionate sense of urgency. It's been a pattern for most of my life. It's never good enough, it's never strong enough, it's never fast enough.

Patience is something that I am unfamiliar with. I must find some. Then I must find some more.

[Kizzie]

Really glad to hear you felt welcomed back but also that you are able to listen to what your body, mind & heart are trying to tell you.  It sounds like you are beginning to slow down and hear/feel what you need so bravo         

[mikenoodle]

Well, maybe yes, maybe no...

I woke up Thursday with a horrendous headache and took the day off. I think the headache was from work stress, but I am recognizing things more quickly and trying to nip bad habits in the bud.

Many people who are really driven have these same issues. I just have to tell myself that me at 100% is better than most people at 110%, so I don't have to give 150% all of the time. 100% is just fine.

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear that but again sounds like you are trying to do what you need to to keep from overdoing it   

One author-therapist a lot of us read is Pete Walker and I thought of some of his suggestions for dealing with behaviours fueled by relating to CPTSD that might be helpful/relevant: 

Overproductivity/Workaholism/Busyholism - I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

Time Urgency - I am not in danger. I do not need to rush. I will not hurry unless it is a true emergency. I am learning to enjoy doing my daily activities at a relaxed pace.

Perfectionism - My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

I got this from his web site here - http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm.

[Not Alone]

Glad that overall things are going well for you on your return to work. Good job noticing things about yourself and then making choices for good self-care.

[mikenoodle]

Thank you for all of the kind words, support, and advice.

I appreciate this space more than I can express.

I'm at my regular dr. appointment today. I got upset again the other day and the headache has reappeared with it.

My therapist says that the headaches are my reaction to adrenaline, which makes perfect sense. It's just difficult to learn this new approach to life.

I LOVE the Pete Walker stuff, that was really what I need to hear.

I have been alone on this journey for just over the past half century, and I have to understand that meaningful change takes time. Learning patience takes, well... patience, and so it goes.

I don't expect to ever be perfect, I remain a work in progress, but the pursuit of the self improvement and self realization is satisfying in the incremental progress that I make.

I love myself, but I, up until recently have not treated myself very well. I will try to show more appreciation for myself and try to learn to put myself first without being selfish or inconsiderate of others.

As I read these things, I notice that they are all filled with hope. Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope is the belief that things can improve. Hope is a good thing. It may be the best of things.

[Kizzie]

  

[mikenoodle]

Every day is a new day. Today was a headache day, so no work. The doc tweeked my meds and I expected it would be a bit bumpy. My doc said that I should be fine, but I have also been pushing pretty hard at work lately, so it could also relate to that.

All I do know is that the new level of meds will titrate and when it starts to, things will improve.

At least right now I have the meds to blame.

[Tee]

  be kind to yourself Mike.  Not everything needs to be blamed on something headaches just suck and put you down for a bit.  So rest it'll get better