Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"

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C.

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Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« on: March 22, 2015, 05:59:24 PM »
Reminder:  In order to honor our group process we ask that only current members post and respond here.  Thank you.

Note:  Please know these topics and activities are meant to aid you in your heling.   They are simply suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to what works for you now. 

4.   How do the voices of your internal "naysayers" (Inner Critic), those parts of you opposed to making such a commitment, justify not going forward with recovery?  What are the reasons and how do you counter them?

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Annegirl

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2015, 04:12:14 AM »
They tell me Im wasting money on my T
She is sick of hearing from me and pretends to love and care about me as its her job. (she has told me many caring empowering things)
That now I should do it on my own cos "come on, there are so many who have it worse than me out there."
I need to pull myself together
and much more.

Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2015, 07:45:07 AM »
Inner Critic speaks first, my replies come after. (Warning: I'm not very polite to my Inner Critic. Also, this only ever works when I write things down. While it's all just in my head, my Inner Critic wins every time.)

"It's a waste of time, those methods don't work." --- "Piffle. They work. I've tested them and I know they work. Stating anything to the contrary is unwarranted and manipulative."
"You're selfish and egocentric, and it's ridiculous to spend so much time feeling your mental pulse, you're just like one of those overwrought housewives in the movies" --- "Nice try. I'm healing an injury so the kids won't suffer the way I did. Do you really want to insinuate that anything I do for the kids is ever wasted? Hmmm? Do you really want to come between me and my kids' welfare?" ---- "Uh...nice weather we're having." ---- "Good boy."
"Why aren't you doing housework instead? Or get a job!" --- "THAT was a blow below the belt. You might want to restate that in polite terms in the future or it's the trash can for you. Now let me get back to fixing the problem that actually keeps me too depressed to get much done." --- "But---" --- "Say something constructive or shut up." --- "...you could start with journalling?" ---- "Good idea, I'll do that."

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bee

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2015, 03:58:39 AM »
Inner Critic says:
You're just being sensitive.
You're exaggerating.
You're lying, everyone will think so.
It's your fault.
It's all in your head.
You're being lazy, you just need to try harder.
Just get over it already.
Spending time working on yourself proves that she was right, you are self centered.
Seeing a T proves she was right, you are the crazy one.
Complaining about how difficult your childhood was only proves that you are a whiner.
Never let anyone get to know you, they will see that you are unlovable.

My counter argument. If I do not fight against these thoughts she will win. I refuse to let her win.

Explanation:
My M made it clear that my conception was not planned, my existence was, at best, an inconvenience. I realized at some point that she wanted me to rectify the situation. If I kill myself she gets what she wants, she wins. When I realized this I got very angry, I made a promise to myself. I refuse to give her what she wants, she will not win. Therefore I fight with everything I have to recover from this.

This was harder to write out than I expected. The insults that I hear continually from my inner critic are harsher than I realized, especially when I see them all together like this. I'm thinking about writing them on a piece of paper that I can reference, preferenced by, 'a narcissistic, sociopath thinks that you are .....' And followed by 'Do you choose to believe this today?'

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Kizzie

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2015, 06:36:30 AM »
Mine tells me that I will never beat this CPTSD, it's just too much and too hard.  When I hear that voice I say "Hush, I know you're trying to watch out for me in your funny little way, but it's OK we're getting there a little every day and soon you won't need to be on guard so much, you'll be able to rest because I've got this." 

Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2015, 06:44:08 AM »
Oh my. Bee, I don't even know what to say. This sounds like pure horror. To live with all this as a growing child! I can't even imagine what that must have been like. I'm glad you made that promise to yourself. And I'm glad you kept it.  :hug:

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Annegirl

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2015, 08:01:20 AM »
 :hug: bee. Yes i agree SC.
And i love how you come back to critic with truth. I want to try that.

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marycontrary

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2015, 11:13:26 AM »
My inner critic as an evil SOB saying all the thing that you guys have covered. I have put that SOB finally to sleep in the last 3-6 months. No more hateful internal nagging...thank you God!!!!

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anosognosia

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2015, 11:00:13 AM »
"You see? You're unloveable. You're worthless. You're a mistake."

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C.

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2015, 06:51:27 PM »
"You're wrong"

...about everything, every thought, self-analysis, relationship...just "wrong"...like if I think for a moment that I'm a healthy weight, pretty, accurate about perceptions of people/recovery, career choice, an intellectual thought, a positive behavior, a spiritual experience, etc. etc.  It doesn't matter the topic, ultimately I could be proven wrong. 

This is a direct response to my FOO.  Seems everything I say, think or do is up for debate as to whether it's ok or not.  My mom, dad or brother gives their opinion on whether my words, thoughts or behavior measure up to what they think is "right."

This is a big "aha" moment for me right now.  The fact that my life has always been up for debate in my FOO.  What a stressful way to live for a child, adolescent and adult.  Always tested, scrutinized, and picked apart.

Reading through these threads I was thinking about ways to "destroy" the ICr, perhaps even a symbolic burial?  Tell a small doll (made from nature items?) I know she thought she was helping me, but it wasn't helping and it's time for her to go away, then put her in the ground haha I do well with tactile anchoring activities so something along these lines could be therapeutic for me.

I think that the ICr is a familiar topic for those of us here at OOTS.  Mary, how did you get rid of your ICr.  It sounds like it was a specific intention?  Or others, what's some other ways that have worked to quiet her/him?

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Annegirl

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2015, 02:27:45 AM »
Thats a great question C,
and my first response to that question was "nothing" i don't notice when its talking i just have many overwhelming thoughts all day and can't differentiate between them or stop to think long enough to respond or negate the icritic.
But then i do have a way of combating it and that is creativity. Music and art, sculpturing. Positive stories , imaginative stories to my children. Watching them play. Talking to our creator. Talking to my T. All these things help.
But to specifically respond to my IC I think I would have to find time t write down sentences like SC and negate IC with truth.

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anosognosia

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2015, 03:36:55 PM »
This is a big "aha" moment for me right now.  The fact that my life has always been up for debate in my FOO.  What a stressful way to live for a child, adolescent and adult.  Always tested, scrutinized, and picked apart.

Exactly. I want to raise my kids to really trust themselves.

I came across this blog post of an 8 year old who wrote the most confident and strong poem and it made me cry because this is the opposite of what I was brought up to do:
http://whatwillmatter.com/2013/10/commentary-799-4-the-power-in-me/


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C.

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2015, 06:51:57 PM »
Like what's been mentioned here I'm usually appropriate when talking with my kids.  My ICr has always been in my head and about me or if it's negative about my kids, it's blaming me.  So I tried to talk out loud to myself like I do w/my kids and it was pretty easy.  My ICr never talks out loud, she knows better b/c she'd be confronted by the compassionate-protective "mommy-me."  I can say affirmations & reassuring words out loud, and that works.

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C.

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Re: Wk4: Stage 1: Step 3: Activity 4 "Responding to your ICr"
« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2015, 07:15:42 PM »
Great point Annegirl, being involved in positive activities can keep the ICr away.  Right now I find it difficult to be creative when I’m in this low-level sad state.  I think I’ve been here for a year or so.  When I’m alone I can read topics related to surviving trauma, clean, write, burn sage, touch rocks and watch fictional shows that are about people who’ve fallen from grace or are “survivors” of some type of trauma.  The self-destructive activity I can do is to eat sweets (cookies and candy mostly).   That’s about it at the moment.  When alone I used to enjoy dance, making music, nature, cooking, beading and drawing.  But I’m finding those activities very difficult to do now, so I’ve tried to focus on the others I’d mentioned (except unhealthy eating) and be ok with that for now.

Thank you for the poem attachment Anosognosia.  It brought tears to my eyes as well.  How wonderful this little girl has developed such a strong internal voice and we know it’s the parenting.  She’s bounds ahead of many adults.  Power is such a meaningful concept.  It’s odd for me, because often when I feel the most “humble” (in a good way) I also feel like I can take on the world, powerful.  I think it’s because, like you mentioned a Higher Source, I too believe in the Power of a Higher Source.  So when I feel more connected to the Source, I also feel like I’m tapping in to a greater Power.  Maybe like being a channel of light?  Brings me back to your affirmation.  Surrounding me from the Source and allowing others to see it.  I know that not everyone here believes in a Higher Power and I respect all beliefs.  That’s the beauty of our group.  No one is required to do or believe something like with the 12-steps.  That said, I felt moved to share this after reading that beautiful poem and it reminded me of a You.tube video I love about the Greater Power.  It shows people of various religious backgrounds.  I’m attaching a link, but be forewarned it is a bittersweet video, beautiful, moving, sad, and uplifting.  It shows people with healthy attachments as well as someone who seems without any human “attachment.”  I just love the way it links coping with human suffering to a connection with a Higher Power.
   
Trigger alert for this video, but I think that it ends very positive and uplifting…
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_g21wl48AY