Lonely, tired, struggling

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wobbly

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Lonely, tired, struggling
« on: July 14, 2019, 10:22:17 PM »
I think for years I pushed this lonely feeling away. Being back in my body, in my life, doing things, meeting people, forcing myself to go places, I'm struggling with how lonely I am in all of it. How instead of that feeling slowly fading, it's getting bigger.

I witnessed a conversation about two weeks ago, in an art studio I go to twice a week, where I try to make an effort with people - and of all the things I do, this feels most like a family. Three people were talking about how they don't let anyone into their lives besides their family and partner. One person doesn't even let anyone else besides them in their house. Another person said the world's a scary place, and so they mostly avoid people and going places. ''Friends are too much of an effort'' and ''Family is always there'' was said multiple times. I felt so alone hearing that.
Among those poeple is a woman I go to a danceclass with, because she told me she was scared to go alone, and also: she seemed kind. After the first time, she started bringing her mother and talking to her, and barely spoke to me again - nothing besides a ''hi'' and ''bye''. When I talk to her there, I feel like I'm bothering her. That in itself confused me, and hurt. But this conversation, after all of that, felt like a slap in my face.
Another woman I've been talking to on the way from and to this art studio agreed with them as well. I've shared pretty personal things with her, because I like and trust her. I opened up mostly because she did. I thought she trusted me, so I trusted her. I just don't get it - why have deep conversations, if your just going to keep me out of your life completely anyway. It seems to me people have a certain number of places reserved in their life for people, and it's useless to try, because family is always first. Then husbands first. Boyfriends first. And there's really no place for anyone else.

It's upsetting that what means the world to me, means so little to other people. That I have to hear how they shut everyone out without thinking twice, when I'm trying so hard to let people in, to find my chosen family. Maybe I have a really weird, skewed view of all of this. Maybe I attach more meaning to it because I have no one else. Because sharing a little bit is already a huge deal for me.

Maybe an acquantaince is all people with a great family and a partner need. For me, especially as an introvert, all the small talk takes a lot of energy and is no fun. And I don't have that family. I don't have a partner - because making friends is my priority, that comes first, before I jump into the mess that is dating. Yes, I love making art. I love dancing. But the people there make it fun and wonderful to go. It takes so much energy for me to try to trust those people that I've literally spent years doing it, opening up, finding a way to be authentic instead of try to people please/ fawn. And it makes me angry that it's pointless, and frankly, it makes me feel used. Maybe I shouldn't expect anything in return, for doing small kind things, for sharing. Maybe that's unfair. I just wish everyone would let me know upfront: my life is full, I don't trust anyone, I only do acquantainces. That's fine, I'll just say hi and bye, and put the rest of my energy into building something more meaningful somewhere else.

I just feel so deeply lonely. It's a physical feeling, like a panic attack is, or heartbreak, or mourning. I feel empty, hollow, stiff,  like I have a permanently empty stomach. I haven't had someone to be myself with for so long. No hugs, that kills me. I tell myself I need to keep trying, don't give up, but my battery is empty. I feel depleted. And I don't know how to go into the world and be myself, and be kind, and have hope, when I feel so let down and angry. I don't know where to draw energy from. Maybe it's okay to stop trying for a while - it breaks my heart to write that, because it does mean giving up, it means I'm stuck with this feeling, for I don't know how long, and I don't know if, when or how it'll get better - but going out into the world with this desperation and throwing that at people isn't going to help, I think.

Just hoping, as always, I'm not completely alone in this. If you've read this - thank you.

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Bach

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2019, 11:07:52 PM »
I read it, wobbly, and I can relate to a lot of it.  All I ever want to do is connect with people but I just don't know how and every time I try I seem to do it wrong and get hurt.  I'm sorry for your pain and wish I knew an answer. 

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wobbly

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2019, 11:26:55 PM »
Thank you Bach, means the world. Genuinely makes this horrible hollow feeling a little less worse. Sorry you have to deal with it too. <3

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Kizzie

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2019, 01:18:45 AM »
Hi Wobbly, there's a web site called Meetup (https://www.meetup.com/) that has a listing of all different types of groups by country and location you might want to check out. 

Would something like this be worth a try?  I don't know if you're up to it but you could also start a group of your own for trauma survivors and hopefully draw in others who are experiencing what you are.  Isolation and difficulty making friendships are common with CPTSD so you're not alone in this, it's a matter of connecting with others who understand like here but in real life.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2019, 05:29:41 PM by Kizzie »

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Blueberry

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2019, 07:21:54 AM »
Wobbly I'm sorry for the pain you're in.  :hug: :hug:

"Among those poeple is a woman I go to a danceclass with, because she told me she was scared to go alone, and also: she seemed kind. After the first time, she started bringing her mother and talking to her, and barely spoke to me again - nothing besides a ''hi'' and ''bye''. When I talk to her there, I feel like I'm bothering her. That in itself confused me, and hurt."

That would hurt me too and I would feel used.

My impression over the years: people who mix solely with family whether FOO or FOC are not as healthy or as happy as they might attempt to protray. I'm saying here: you're not to blame for these people's actions, it's not on you. Most if not all of us on here can attest to 'family always being there' as complete nonsense.

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LittleBlueBird

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2019, 06:13:06 AM »
Hi Wobbly,

I just wanted to say hi (this is my first post and I will make a proper introduction post soon) and give my 2 cents. If possible, don't give up! I understand it must be tough facing this challenge, but there are warm and inviting people out there and you will meet them. Could you try to expand your friendships with others at these groups? Or as Kizzie suggested, go to some meetup groups more specifically aimed at forming friends?

Good luck!

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Kizzie

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2019, 04:01:31 PM »
How are you doing Wobbly?   :grouphug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2019, 06:07:41 PM »
hey, wobbly,

so very sorry for all you're going thru.  it's true that some people just suck, some people are no more than acquaintance material, and very few could be actual authentic friends.  this forum is basically my family and group of friends.  i live w/ my daughter, she's the only family i have personal contact with.  it truly can get lonely out there.

i hope the other resource kizzie suggested is helpful for you. 

by the by, i don't think you're giving up - maybe you just need a break from putting yourself out there while your battery recharges.  i've done that, even here.  it does take a lot of energy to interact w/ people.  i can feel wiped out after only a few minutes of socializing w/ the neighbor!

hang tough, wobbly - we're hangin' right beside you!  sending love and  :grouphug:  you are understood here.

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wobbly

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2019, 09:28:00 PM »
Thanks for the replies, everyone.

@Kizzie I didn't realize anyone could see my location(foolishly, maybe). Gotta be honest, that shocked me a little bit. - is there any way you could maybe remove the name of the meetup? I'm always scared people I know can find me online, and it's pretty obvious to anyone who's looking what city that's an abbreviation of.
Thanks for the recommendation, but it's not for me. My past experiences with trying to make friends where our main commonality is mental health issues has been... well, pretty terrible. It just gets really complicated, very quickly. I'm doing a bit better lately, and I feel like what I need and want is a bit of a ''normal'' life. Where I'm not defined by CPTSD and my story, but by what I love doing now, who I am now. And I do as much of that as I possibly can already - I appreciate the suggestion, but I don't think it's a lack of doing stuff that's the problem. That's why I thought this art studio was a better option, why going to a dance class with this woman seemed like a good idea, and maybe partially why this has been so hard to take. I had an idea in my head of how this was going to go, and life had other plans.
& Thanks for the check up - that's very kind. Gotta say, I really do notice I'm doing better than ever - I had times when I posted here and I'd feel terrible for a week or even two after. I forced myself to do some self care, still working at it and I can't say the loneliness is gone, but... it's bearable.

@Blueberry, Thank you for making me feel better about that incident, and everything that happened - I think that I initially was aware of how unhealthy their comments and actions were, but when you're the only one, with no one to share that feeling with, you do wonder if you're the weird one. So this helps, thanks. I think the thing I started fearing, once again, is that I attract the wrong people. Which makes it feel like my problem, if that makes sense. I still don't know if that is or isn't true - but also... I'm trying to allow myself to move on. I don't have to fix anything or anyone here, I get to focus on my life.

@LittleBlueBird I feel honoured I got your first post! I'm not giving up, promise - it's a feeling I had in that moment, and it's still here a little bit - but I think it's more my brain telling me that I need a break. Reassess everything, just breathe and slow down for a sec. I've got some plans I'm starting to get excited about. I just got to a point where I felt like I was hitting the same wall over and over again. But my enthusiasm, hope and optimism shall return, I'm sure of it. Thank you(and welcome!) <3

@sanmagic7 Thank you, and although I'm sorry you know the feeling, I'm happy this place is a comfort. I always underestimate what the internet can do. Although it's not quite the same as a real hug, all these words and those happy colourful emojis(emoticons?) do make me feel a whole lot less alone.
And no, I don't think I'm giving up either - I don't think I even meant that when I was writing it, it was just how I felt/feel right now. Just tired, of trying and feeling like I'm failing at the same thing. It's hard to explain, but sometimes allowing myself to ''give up'' is such a relief, and empowering, positive. It's more about letting this situation and these people go, and taking some time before I move on to something better. I guess another way of putting that is ''a break'', yes. 8) And socializing is exhausting, yes, ha. Especially when you feel you're not getting back what you're giving(whether that's true or not). Thank you for your kindness. <3 Love and hugs right back.

:hug: to everyone.

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Blueberry

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #9 on: July 17, 2019, 03:20:21 PM »
Wobbly,

Kizzie is the only one who can see your location because she is Admin and Site Manager. Not even Moderators can see where you are.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2019, 06:14:19 PM by Blueberry »

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Kizzie

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #10 on: July 17, 2019, 05:30:44 PM »
Sorry about that Wobbly, I've removed the info now. Glad to hear you're feeling somewhat better  :grouphug:

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Rainagain

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Re: Lonely, tired, struggling
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2019, 12:00:23 AM »
Just found this thread. Wobbly, I'm really struck with how clearly and well you have expressed how you feel.
Your description of others feels accurate to me.
My guess is that they dont realise how much they have, they have no idea they can seem smug or hurtful to people who are isolated and lonely, they are oblivious.

It's tough, people with social connections dont need much more, they have plenty already.

It stops them being open and receptive to others I think, they are satiated and not in need of more.

But you have been getting out there and working at connecting, that is something to be proud of.

One of my anxieties is getting invited to stuff, you are seeking out the things that would scare me. It's great.