ch. 6 - beyond the past

[Tee]

  Hugs San I'm glad you are here and happy to be here with you. Sending love and hugs.

[sanmagic7]

tee, you're darling.  thank you for all of that good stuff.

feeling very down today.  i wanted to get on w/ my re-scripting, but can't.  two things happened last nite that sent me into a spiral of emotion. 

i was watching a show, the lead character decided to call her sister - they didn't get along, but stuff happening around her made her want to get in contact.  and i was thrown into sobs, thinking of my own sister and feeling the loss of her, which i'd never cried about before.  she and i were so close for quite a few years, best friends, drinking buddies, did everything together, went out 5-6x/week, babysat each others' kids, lived 9 blocks from each other, were on the phone together 3-4x/day - we knew everything about everything concerning us.

then the falling out came, she moved across the country w/o telling me, w/o resolution, she refused to answer my letter, had nothing to do w/ me, and has made it clear that i was the reason she moved, that i was a liar, and she wanted to have nothing to do w/ me (i heard this thru my brother - even when he was afraid i was dying, he told me he'd reached out to her (about 2 yrs. ago) to let her know, wanted to rally around me as family, she wouldn't even acknowledge what he'd written to her - and suddenly last nite, i missed her, felt the loss of her.  i'd never done that before, and she and i haven;t spoken for about 30 yrs. 

it's a very deep pain, but has been out of my reach until last nite.  i feel so very down right now.  i don't know if this grieving is over yet, don't know if i have more tears, but i'm guessing i probably do.  wow - i feel horrible.

the other thing that happened was that my d' cat came up to me like she does every nite after my d goes to bed to get petted.  she lays on my chest, and was purring away like usual.  and i felt such a strong warm wave of love for that cat, something i'd only felt once before while in mex. and that, too, was for our cat.  it's something i'd never felt for my children.  and it scared me.

the only other anything i'd ever felt like i'd relied on was my first dog, duke.  he was with me during my entire first marriage, thru all the crapola that went on, and he was there with me.  when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, and my hub #1 told me he didn't want to be married anymore, i had to move out of state to go live w/ a girlfriend.  and i brought duke w/ me.  after about a month, she told me that the landlord said i couldn't have the dog there anymore, and i had to send him back.  that was the straw that broke my back.

about a week later was the night i nearly ended it for myself, but my baby kicked me, and saved my life.  i couldn't do anything that might harm her.  so, the idea of loving this cat scares me cuz she's getting old and the pain i will feel when she goes will be unbelievable to me.  i'd been lately questioning the idea of how we humans get 'feel good' endorphins from our pets, which i've never consciously felt, really.  it was just something at a subconscious level for me, so i'd never felt that kind of thing.  same w/ my babies.  didn't feel it.

and i think this is why such a feeling scared me.  this range of emotions that is becoming more real to me, piece by piece, is overwhelming at times.  not having much experience w/ them at all has become frightening to me when they raise their heads.  it feels pathetic and rather pitiful.  i wanted to do more re-scripting this morning, but that's not going to happen.  i just need to get thru the day.  i'm going for a walk.

[Snowdrop]

Oh San. I hear your pain. And none of it is pathetic. You're strong for feeling this stuff, and so brave for posting it here. 

I hope the walk helped, and more re-scripting can happen when the time is right for you.

[sanmagic7]

thank you so much, snowdrop.  your compassion and encouragement went straight to my heart.   

[Tee]

  feelings are so overwhelming especially when they have been boxed up for so long. I agree with snowdrop you are so brave for walking through and feeling them now.  I think each step you take will help with next, and live and care you are showing yourself will help you become an even more magnificent person than you already are.  Thank you for being here and sharing you journey with us.

[Three Roses]

The loss of family is so very painful. Feeling your pain with you. 

[sanmagic7]

it's the middle of the nite, i woke up in a panic from a nightmare.  i realized last nite how scared i was to feel love cuz losing my dog was the last straw and i couldn't take that and love means life and death to me.  that's what i went to bed thinking, and i got so scared thinking that and i felt like if i went on w/ this i would lose my mind.  i don't think i have the tools or ability or proper guidance to do this anymore.  i cfna't feel this love that i'd need to feel to continue with me.  i'm ranting right now, but i do not want to go insane and that's what's scaring me so much right now, that if i try to go farther, i will lose my mind, i feel like i'm on the verge right now.  it's all too much, i can't do this.  i have to calm down.  i hate this so much.

[Snowdrop]

Sitting there with you sending gentle hugs. You're safe. You're safe. You're safe. 

[Hope67]

  A safe hug for you SanMagic, and also sitting with you, we're alongside you. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you snowdrop and hope - you don't know how much i needed you.  thank you.  *sobbing*  i am so scared for my sanity.  i'm a fool to think i could do this on my owni don't have enough in my mind to do this.  i feel like i've gone as far as i can go.  i can't make the connections i need to go further w/ this.  i feel stuck.  what a frickin' meltdown.  i've never felt this way before.  it's so late in the game for me to feel like this.  thanks for telling me i'm safe, cuz i don't feel it right now.  it helps to hear it tho.  i can't stop crying.

[Snowdrop]

San, you're safe and we're here. It might not feel like it at the moment, but crying will help. You're allowed to cry. <wraps you in a blanket and brings you tea>. I've been in that place, and it's horrid and scary, but it will pass and you'll get through it. You will. You're strong. You're enough. You're safe.

Sending you much love and hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

o god, thank you snowdrop.  still crying.  i appreciate the blanket and being wrapped in it.  feels good.  i don't know why this happened.  yes, i do.  love is equated with life and death for me, i don't want to feel that and have such a choice hanging over me.  can't cope with it.  feeling love, even for the cat, terrified me!  it's the feeling that's overwhelming.  i hate it - too scary.

[Snowdrop]

Feelings can be messy and scary and overwhelming. My take on it (which you're free to ignore) is that you did a lot of amazing work a few days ago, and that shifted things, a bit like clearing away a layer of fog. Sometimes when this happens, things that were buried below the fog can begin to surface, and that can feel shocking, scary and overwhelming. That's what it can be like for me, anyway. But being able to feel again, however painful, is part of the healing. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but it is. You will get through this. You're strong.

I've brought you another cup of tea, and you can borrow my furry hot water bottle as well if that helps. You're not alone. You're safe. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you my dear snowdrop (those were our first flowers in the spring - i love them!)   

it's been what you said, plus a whole lot more.  the idea of not being able to feel what love feels like, which includes not feeling what it feels like to be loved (there have been less than a handful of instances for both together), and my history of the connection between love, alive, and dead, a story i've shared here in the past, and the sudden feeling the other nite for my d's cat triggered all of this.

plus, we've had the added stress of our house agent spitting out the idea that if the owner of our house decides it's too much to keep patching, they might move us out and raze this place has been mucking with my head for several days.  it's more than just a move - i've moved nearly a million times in my life w/ no problem - but at my age now, and we don't have a car, and our location and neighbors here, well, it's been too much to really contemplate, and i've been trying to push that back for both our sakes, but it's actually huge, tremendously huge.

i'm just writing now, trying to calm down a bit.  one more move feels like it will kill me, and where we live now is surrounded by forest and blackberries and flowers and the idea of moving back to an urban place is incomprehensible to me right now.   i know the whole idea of having emotions makes me more human, but i honestly don't know how people have lived with them all their lives.  my alexithymia has served me well, but this healing stuff is affecting my brain, opening it up, making the connections, and wham! 

thank you, snowdrop, for sticking w/ me tonite.  this has helped. 

i've also been reading where others have been looking at some of us who have been doing inner child work and been encouraged to begin their own, and then this happens.  i've been so fired up w/ my re-scripting process, and now i don't know that i can go any further.  i made it to 6 mos. old, got part way to 2 yrs., and i'm stumped.  don't have what i need inside my brain to do this - at least that's what it feels like right now.  but, my brain hasn't been wired correctly (also i'm on the edge of autism) so i may not be able to go further, and i don't want anyone else to getdiscouraged from doing the work for themselves = they don't have the same crapola going against them.

i believe in what i've been doing, but i wish i had a t to help me with it.  i'm feeling so out there, so alone, so awash on a sea of helplessness w/ this.  thanks for telling me i'm safe.  i appreciated it, even tho it was a surprise to see it.  i didn't know i needed to hear that, didn't know i felt unsafe.  i feel ashamed, and i'm not sure what for, like i'm letting people down, which i know logically can't be, but it feels like it.  i suppose it's that belief that i can do anything, am perfect cuz anything less isn't allowed. 

o, it's too much.  i'm getting some tea and honey cuz i'm cold.  i feel forlorn and destitute.  once again, this place has been a lifeline for me. 

[Snowdrop]

(those were our first flowers in the spring - i love them!)

Snowdrops are probably my favourite flower. I always have them in the garden because they know when Winter is coming to an end, even if I don't yet.

You have such a lot going on at the moment, and your reaction is completely understandable. I wonder if it's worth just pausing a while on the re-scripting, as it's deep work and your mind has a lot to process. It's baby steps, and for me, that sometimes involves staying still and waiting for things to settle.