ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop.  actually i was taking a break from the re-scripting, had put it off for a week, then another day when all this came down.  i won't be doing anymore very soon.  crap, don't really know if i can get any farther, to tell the truth.  but, i won't be tackling it for a while, now, that's for sure.  this stuff all hit me at once - the house, last day selling my d's books at the farmers market, the crying/feeling the loss of my ghosted sister, the feeling of love for the cat, this horrible nightmare i couldn't shake off - that all happened in 4 days!  blam!!!!!!       

the tea helped, thank you.     i'm settling a bit.  i've been up for nearly 5 hrs. now, since 1 a.m.  just beginning to get tired, hoping that if i close my eyes the nightmare has been diminished.  not sure, scared to find out yet.  maybe i'll eat something.  i don't know what to do.  i hate feeling afraid.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more settled. Wishing you dreams of peace and safety. Here if you need me. 

[Tee]

Oh my sweet San I agree with snowdrop I think you have done so much that some things have shift do inside to show me feelings.  Which is scary.  This your journey though there's no shame in it no need to feel you've let anyone down.  I think you are amazing and that's a word I don't use lightly cause it's a trigger words for me.  However one that I truly believe describes you.  One of the things my T keeps telling me cause I've been down really down of late and I can't name the feelings I just don't see the way out and am overwhelmed. Is focus on what I can and can't not control. Give myself grace is ok to not be perfect no one is perfect ( that gives me a stomachache just writing it cause for me nothing less was excepted).   But truth San you have inspired others to work on the inner child. The way that you have done so gives me hope that one day I might be able to venture down that path and not split into a thousand pieces which I'm terrified of. 

You have to take care of you and right now. Big you has so much going on I wish we all lived like in 100 years in the future where we could instantly transport to be with friends so when our hugs and comfort could be more than just words on a page though I know for some that's part of the comfort, I guess my imagination is just not that good.

San you are safe you are strong you are so brave one breathe at time and one baby step you will make it through I'll be here by your side. Sending the biggest love filled hug with compassion and understanding to take away any fear and shame that remains so you can rest.

[Three Roses]

Gentle, healing for you filled with peace.

[sanmagic7]

just woke up, feeling drained and flat, but not so panicky.  thank you snowdrop for getting me thru the nite - you were a godsend.  thanks, tee, for all your very sweet thoughts and wishes.  transportation to be w/ friends for real time hugs would be a great future wish!  and, thank you, 3r, for your hugs.  always there, so appreciated.

i'm going to the porch for i don't know how long.  this was as bad as its been in a seemingly long while.  gonna hang out in the cabin for some solitude, listen to the waves lapping against the shore, and spend some time sitting on the porch surrounded by whoever might be there, just for the gentle company. 

thank you all again    and much love

[Snowdrop]

I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better. 

[Tee]

  glad your feeling better rest.

[Not Alone]

Sanmagic, I'm sorry you have been going through such a difficult time and I know that is an understatement. 

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, tee, and notalone, thank you so much for all your support. 

i feel like i've been dragged behind a mack truck for a few miles, so i'm still on the porch, relaxing.  not so mucked up as the other nite, tho, just feeling like the dregs.  will be resting until my spirit gets re-infused.  thanks, everyone, for helping me thru this.  love you all.   

[Snowdrop]

Wishing you lots of peace and rest. 

[Tee]

  I'll be there with you today.  Maybe we can play a game or go for walk. Hugs my friend. Wishing you peace calm for day.

[Not Alone]

Glad you are staying on the porch, relaxing, being kind to yourself. I would like to bring you a tall cold glass of iced tea, iced coffee, lemonade, water, . . . whatever your preference.

[Sceal]

The porch is a very nice place to be at. Can I join you with a cup of hot chocolate?

[sanmagic7]

hey, snowdrop, thanks for those wishes.  i did rest a lot yesterday, am feeling a bit better today.

glad for the company, tee.  thanks.

notalone, that's so kind.  lemonade would be my choice if it's hot out.  thank you.

and sceal, you may certainly join me. i actually had a cup of hot chocolate last nite, so you were right on the money!  thanks!

i'm beginning to feel better, but no walking for me yet.  when this stress thing hits, my legs stop working correctly, feel very weak and wobbly.  they're like an indicator of how i'm doing.  when i can go for a walk again, i know i'm nearly back on track.  not yet, tho.

last nite, my d told me a story that included her father, my ex #2.  he said he would be there for her at a time she needed to be  taken care of, then when the time came, he actually came to mex. to take me to a notary to get some documents signed.  that appt. w/ the notary could've been changed, but from what i've read, researched, and know, narcs don't like to take care of people who are down or sick - they can't get their narc supply, so don't want to bother w/ them.  i know this happened to me many times during my marriage.

anyway, she's asked me not to talk about him to her, and i respect that.  she said she doesn't want to hear what a bad person he is (she continues a relationship w/ him), so when she told this story (he had her sister stay w/ her, which sounds kind of nice, but that's my narc d, and she had back spasms, and so my d didn't really get taken care of in the real sense, i got so angry, but clammed up, didn't say a word.  however, the vibes coming off me were so strong, i could feel them myself.

she just went 'whoa - i guess i won't be telling you anything anymore', and i still didn't say anything, but i was steaming and screaming inside.  i've been repeating the serenity prayer over and over since then, trying to keep these horrible thoughts about him, once again, from taking me over.  my chest is tight w/ fighting this.  i just don't know if i should apologize to her, explain w/o being specific, or do nothing, just let it be?  any ideas?  this is one of the few touchy situations between her and me, and i don't know exactly how to handle it.  thoughts, opinions, suggestions are welcome.

otherwise, just taking it easy.  you have all been so kind and helpful.  i'm forever grateful.  i'll get there.  back to the porch.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're struggling with so much right now. But hugs to you, for healing and comfort and strength. 

The first thing that struck me was - if she doesn't want you to talk to her about him, why does she get to talk to you about him? Why don't you both have the same rule?

But then I thought, maybe it's good for her to try to help you see things from a different perspective. Maybe it deepens the connection the two of you have. So I guess the other thing (I've used this and it helped) is just kind of an honest admission of where we are and how we can see what our limitations are. Something like, 'I see how upsetting this is, and I want you to know I'm working on it. I see the points you've made and they're quite valid - you're important to me and I want to work on this for you, for us.'

I'm rooting for you, San. Take care of yourself!