ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

3r, i understand, on one level, what you're saying.  i have asked her not to talk about him before, and it was agreed upon, because i'm so triggered by the mention of him.  so, yeah, that's already been in place.  i've been very respectful of her wishes, altho it's been really difficult sometimes.  she has a blind spot there, and i think it's a protective device for her.

it just hurts me so much when i hear more examples of how he's done this to all of us in this family.  i hadn't known or remembered this incident before, so it kind of blindsided me.  the points she makes, tho, i see as her continuing to cover up and make excuses for him and the other men in her life who have treated her badly (she's also extremely wounded, i've told her i think she's also got c-ptsd, but she won't explore that w/ her t, or ask me about it.  she's quite damaged by her childhood), so i don't really, truly see them as valid.  i'd like to, but she's very quick to excuse behavior by others that have gone against her.

i do think talking to her would be a good idea, tho, but i'm just not sure what exactly to say.  so, that part i agree w/ you.  also some of the other things you mentioned, i just can't validate her perspective that it was 'ok' for him to have done that.  he's already told her he checked out while she and her sister were growing up, but as far as i know he didn't apologize.  i think, to her, tho, that his admission was satisfactory, but to me it's not enough.  he can admit what he did, but not that he was wrong, or that what he did was wrong, just that he did it.  i know this from experience.

her childhood was chaotic to say the least, and w/ all her sister's problems, she got left in the cold, emotionally neglected and abandoned.  she's picked men in her life who have done the same thing to her, over and over, and she's made excuses for them every time, too.  it breaks my heart to see her struggling w/ this, thinking this stuff is no big deal and should be brushed under the rug.  i understand that it's what she probably needs to do to keep her sanity, so i don't push on it.  still, it's difficult to watch and hear about.

3r, i know you're on my side, i really do, and it's very grounding, and i appreciate it and you more than you can know.  thank you for those hugs - sorely needed - and for your wisdom and care.  always.      

grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change . . .

[Tee]

  I agree with 3R but your feels are valid too. 

I think I would go back to your D and simply say that you love her and were upset by the fact she was in pain and not being taken care of the way you would have wanted for her.  That you are trying to see things in a different perspective and will continue to work on this but that you want the best for her. And that you are sorry if you up set her.

Hugs San

[Not Alone]

Understandable that your "mama bear" came out. Yes, maybe something like Tee said, "I love you. When you are hurt I feel protective of you." I would steer away from trying to help her to see things about her dad. It seems that she isn't ready for that yet, and it would only put up a wall between you. Being a mom is hard. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you tee, and notalone.  very good suggestions.

we did talk, and some of what all of you suggested was incorporated.  we both cried.  she just wants to have a dad, and is afraid of what terrible things he might have done, but doesn't want to hear anything bad about him cuz she couldn't handle it.  told her i respect that, that i'm working on this not happening, and she said she knows.  she did say that every time his name comes up, this total blackness that's beyond pain and hurt emanates from me.  i told her i know, that i've never felt this way about anyone before, and i don't like it, am working to get rid of it.  lots of apologies from me.

i told her that she's probably the most damaged one from that household cuz she said there have been so many lies about each of us toward another, or things not remembered correctly, that she doesn't trust any of us.  i don't blame her.  this family has been broken, and her t told her that the best thing for her to do is to take each person individually, which she's done.  she told me that she wants me to trust that she will not let anyone be in her life who might hurt her.  i told her i would.

so, i'm going to keep repeating that serenity prayer in hopes that it will help offset the blackness.  i've done so much re: my feelings toward him, i don't know what else to do.  maybe something simple like this will be the best.  like you said, notalone, she's definitely not ready, doesn't want to stay in the past, is dealing w/ family members as they are toward her in the present.  if it works for her, i've got to be ok w/ that and make it work for me.  dang, i hate this crapola!!!  thanks, everyone.   

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee.   

i am going ape-crap crazy!  this has brought it all up again, the hateful emotions, the intrusive thoughts that won't let me alone no matter how many times i shout 'STOP!!!', the horrible memories.  i feel like these past few months of work have just flown down the drain and i'm back where i don't want to be, am struggling again to stay sane.  i feel so depressed, and i haven't felt that in a long, long time.

breathe, in out in out.  i thought this battle was won and done, and now i feel so awful again.  why won't this * stop???      

[Tee]

I get it triggers are triggers and I think the work you have done in other areas have left your emotions closer to the surface and raw.  Hugs my friend I'm struggling bad too. Burst into tears twice today and I don't cry,. That's how low and frustrated/triggered I am at the moment.  If I don't get good news tomorrow I'm not sure where to go next.

Sending a giant hug of understand and comfort to my new friend struggling with you.

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

sorry you're struggling right now, too, tee.  want to sit on the porch w/ me for another day?  we can just be.   

thanks for the hug, notalone.  always appreciated.   

i got an answer from a tv show this evening that has helped settle me and my thoughts down.  it was basically to think about her, my d, and not about him.  bottom line, love trumps hate.  just gotta get my mother love moving, and hopefully it will continue to move thoughts about him right out of my head.  she's much more worth thinking about.  so, feeling better tonite, thank you god.

[Tee]

  I'd love to San thank you!

[Three Roses]

San, I'm happy you got some of what you needed and are able to relax some! Sending oodles of love and support to you! 

[sanmagic7]

lovin' the 'oodles', 3r.

was able to walk this morning, finally feeling more like me.  yay!

thanks to all of you for pulling me thru.   

[Snowdrop]

That's excellent news, I'm delighted. 

[Not Alone]

Glad your feeling more like yourself. I completely understand that. I also went for a walk this morning, saw the clouds, heard the birds, sang songs. 

[Sceal]

Glad to hear you managed to go for a walk, I hope it was out in nature? I know how much you love that ( I do too)