ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

db, you made me laugh!  thanks for that!

3r, i wish we could, too.  that would be so cool and just right.  so many of the spirits here meld together, and i think that's part of the reason the porch has been such a success.   

you two have lifted my spirits this morning - thank you for that.  it's just what i needed.  i was starting to feel so down about not fitting in, and you two came riding up on white horses, reminding me where i do fit.  you're both with me today, and i'm riding alongside you.  yahoo!!!

[Tee]

Hope your day is going better.

[Blueberry]

The thought of a young, innocent, sensitive, lonely little girl waking to find her best friend gone just pierces my heart. .. I'm so sorry for this loss of yours, little San. 

And to you too Adult San that you still couldn't tell your m how much it had hurt. I so understand that. If you learn at 3 or 4 years old or earlier not to ask questions, then you can't suddenly start as an adult. It takes time and a lot of courage, ime anyway.

for your strength of story-teller to help yourself, even as such a young child! Story-telling is active. You were doing something about your pain rather than succumbing and falling into depression, at least it sounds that way to me. That occurs to me because I did more of the latter.

[sunflower38]

Hi san, I wanted to pop in and say that I hope you're having a much better day today! Also, I really enjoy smudging and find it very peaceful, it's cool that someone else on here does it too.

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee, thanks for the well wishes.  i'm doing better today.

blueberry, i truly appreciate your compassion on this.  it's one of my earliest memories of feeling confused (a feeling i've carried with me most of my life), and having to rely on myself to take care of me.  so, i developed a helper, i guess.  she's been with me since.  she'll stay with me always, i think,.  i also think asking questions (i ask a lot of them now) depends on the other person as well.  those who i've somehow feared, i backed away from asking too much or too deep. 

sunflower, thanks for the hugs.  today i am doing better.  and nice to meet a fellow smudger - i've just taken it up again, but it really does help relax me. 

this morning i did more therapy stuff, especially re: my ex and these feelings of hate i have toward him, the intrusive thoughts that bother me and keep me awake and tense.   also working on my root chakra stuff - survival.  what i discovered was a whole bunch of fear of him that i've been carrying.  some of this i knew about in a foggy way, some i could actually experience when i saw his eyes go black w/ rage (those were times i asked questions that were too close to his issues) and i knew i'd better stop - rage is so very very scary!  some of it has been for my d's and his attitude toward them.

at any rate, as i was targeting these hateful feelings, the fear came up.  it surprised me - he isn't anywhere near me - cuz i didn't realize i was so afraid of him even now.  then it occurred to me that we hate what we fear.  i see it all the time in our world with all the 'ism's' going on, but i never connected it to myself.  it made perfect sense to me, tho.  i kept processing while focusing on his name, the hate, the fear until they diminished.  don't know if they're totally gone, but it felt like a bit of peace for at least a little while.

part of this was also connected to my chakra work.  i was looking for the dry retching someone said is connected to a blocked chakra.  in this case, i believe it was connected to my root chakra, all about survival and belonging on earth.  someone else wrote recently about mattering, which struck a chord with me cuz part of this was the realization that i didn't matter.  i'd learned to tolerate, accept, be patient with, and 'make do'.  i believe that's getting cleared up now.

so, two things stuck out for me while doing this - no dry retching this time, and no tears.  that's definitely a first.  whether it's a defense mech. or i really didn't need to cry about it, i'm not sure.  however, while unblocking my chakra, i experienced a muddy, almost tar-like, (metaphorically, it was something i could visualize) substance that oozed from the location of that chakra.  i kept directing it with my hands out my window into the universe.  that must've last about 10 min.  no wonder it had been blocked!  it was full of crapola!!!

i do feel more grounded right now, which is a good feeling, altho rather different for me.  i'll have to see how this settles during the day and over the next few days.  so far, so good.  it's kinda strange, tho, at the same time.  don't quite know how to feel about it.

[Not Alone]

i've got new planets to discover, now universes to explore, and present-day symptoms to work on.  i don't want to stay what i was in many respects, but will also give myself credit for all i am, all i have accomplished, and for leading a wonderfully diverse and interesting life, that i'm not finished with yet.  here's to moving beyond the past into the present, enjoying who i am now, what i have now, my struggles and joys, and praying for the strength to keep finding new ways to rid myself of what was so that i can just be.  wow, that sounds incredible to me. 

I wanted to do a flip for joy for you when I read this. I restrained myself, because if I tried, my next post would be from the hospital!

so, i think the storyteller part was born that night, and she kept me safe and sane my entire life.  since i did believe these stories, i told them as if they were true, even if i had no proof.

What a beautiful, creative way to survive.  I also feel sad about your doll.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, you're wonderful.  i'm glad you didn't end up in the hospital, but thank you for sharing the happiness you feel with me.  you brought a smile to my heart.   and thank you, also, for your emotions for me and my beloved diane doll.  she was so beautiful. 

[sanmagic7]

i feel absolutely obsessed w/ this man, and i don't know quite what else to do.  maybe i just need to keep doing more.  i re-processed some of this hate stuff again, terrible, powerful thoughts came up before my nap triggered by the fact that i'd put 'product' in my hair today.   after i woke up is when i concentrated again on him and hate.  again, it seemed like it diminished.  then i wrote about it to a friend, and my feeling turned to fury!  i was furious w/ the outcome of that trigger, what he'd done yet again to me and my oldest d - he allowed it to happen between us (it's what led to me having to go nc w/ her).

again, writing about this, my chest is tight w/ fury.  maybe these thoughts aren't coming from pain, maybe they are and i'm not aware of the pain, because i can't really feel it, but this rage is real.  he not only cost me the relationship between he and i - we'd been friends since high school, had hung out together then and later, then a marriage of 20 yrs. that's a lot of time, over 50 yrs. of being entwined in each others' lives - but also was integral in finally setting up (in his own way, how he'd done it with me all those years, he now was doing it w/ her) the last blast between she and i.  maybe this has had an element of repressed anger that i wasn't aware of, even tho i've done anger work w/ him in the past.

dang, i can't get rid of this man from my head!!!  my life continues a vein of misery even when i've moved on, cuz for some reason i can't move on from this!!!  i am furious at what he did to both of us - FURIOUS!!!.  i hate him!!!

ack!  will this never end?  my chest is so tight right now.  that's usually a sign of fear in me, but i don't know, connected to this, what i might be afraid of again.  o, i feel like i'm running in circles w/ this, saying the same thing over and over, can't get out of this loop.  i do know that as i was processing, working on this both times today, i did a lot of yawning.  does anyone know what yawning means emotionally/therapeutically?  i've heard it means something, but can't remember what.

ok, settling down.  it was good to get this out.  hopefully this can diminish again and i can be a little stress-free for the rest of the day.  that would be nice.  i'm so frickin' tired of this, i want to scream.  maybe i'll scream into my pillow later.

[sanmagic7]

just did a little research on yawning.  apparently, it can be a means to releasing neg. energy.  that makes sense that while i was processing about my ex, my yawning was nearly constant.  so, glad to know that.  maybe i can yawn my way out of all this.  wouldn't that be nice!

[Tee]

  peaceful hug San. I've been stuck in loops like that. I hope   yawn your way out of your loop. Good luck.

[Blueberry]

just did a little research on yawning.  apparently, it can be a means to releasing neg. energy.  that makes sense that while i was processing about my ex, my yawning was nearly constant.  so, glad to know that.  maybe i can yawn my way out of all this.  wouldn't that be nice!

Oh yeah, yawning your way out would be nice!

I'm interested to read what you researched! I'm a big yawner when I'm processing. Something being released, yes, but I didn't realise so specifically that it's neg. energy. Makes a lot of sense though. Here's to yawns :raises glass of water:

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee, thanks for the support and well wishes.  i appreciate them and you.

blueberry, thanks for the well wishes.  i can't remember exactly what i looked up, something about yawning and neg. energy on the internet.  i found there is actual yawning therapy, but that's not what i was interested in, and i found something that had to do w/ energy release.  so, it made sense to me, and when i was processing more about him yesterday, there wasn't as much yawning going on.  the intrusive thoughts have also diminished the past 2 days.  yay!  very glad of that.

so, i think i was able to remove the blockage to my root chakra, and now i'll move on to the next one.  that has to do with sexuality and emotions, and evolves from 6 mos. to 2 yrs.  well, i know my father was very strict w/ me, and i'm sure my emotions were extremely repressed - hence the difficulty w/ the alexithymia most all my life - and the upshot is feeling deprived, especially of touch,  nurturance, and sex.  that totally goes along w/ experiences of my life.  because it is excessive rather than balanced, it's also resulted in dependence issues (altho i've always thought of myself as extremely independent, and i've looked and played the part - however, if i allow myself to admit to this, i can see it, much as i don't want to), and being overly emotional.

so, that's my next goal.  clean that one up, work on balancing it as much as possible.  i don't expect a lifetime of this to be erased, even in a few tries, but i'd like to get it closer to being balanced.  that would be wonderful.  these thoughts/beliefs of being dependent on others has caused me to kind of work at keeping some type of personal resource, especially men, around that i could possible fall back on if i get in trouble.  mostly that has been a pattern for me, flirting, manipulating, squirming my way into their lives, staying too long in unhealthy relationships, always with the hope that they would rescue me if i needed it.

ugh, i hate admitting that, hate writing it down.  oooh, there's some shame coming to the surface about that.  it's a tough one, it feels really mucky and murky to me - a swamp of gunk i've been traversing for so very many years.  from the time i was 16, i think.  it was to combat the idea that my father would put me away from him if i got into 'trouble', send me away, so i didn't have his protection, couldn't rely on him to help me out if i needed him.  in fact, i remember talking to the mr. about protecting me, about being my protector.  well, he didn't and wasn't in the end.  now i rely on my d, and i stay in touch w/ my hub in mex. just in case something happens to her. 

ok, gotta stop. 

[Blueberry]

  A hug of shame-remover and put-shame-back-where-it-belongs (your F maybe?).

[Three Roses]

these thoughts/beliefs of being dependent on others has caused me to kind of work at keeping some type of personal resource, especially men, around that i could possible fall back on if i get in trouble.  mostly that has been a pattern for me, flirting, manipulating, squirming my way into their lives, staying too long in unhealthy relationships, always with the hope that they would rescue me if i needed it.

I could have written this. It was a real shock when this realization appeared to me in my own life. Up until then, my self-perception was independence and a fiery inner strength. I do possess those, but was dismayed to realize I'd sacrificed my inner Self on the altar of Relationship.

[Not Alone]

Huge insights. Standing with you as you deal with these "mucky and murky" issues. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make the shame go away.