ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee.  right now it's raining, and i want to walk my d to the bus stop.  i hope it lets up by the time she has to go.

i'm nervous about being alone.  part of it is the age thing - i'm afraid of falling or choking or something and no one here to help me.  part of it is just being able to consciously feel fear.  i never was frightened in the past when i was on my own.  or at least i didn't know i was.  this fear thing is so weird to me.  i don't like it at all.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi sanmagic, maybe it might help to try to think of the fear as a novel experience, another aspect of being open to emotions? I don't not. But, like the other emotions, it is temporary and will pass. I hope once your daughter has gone you will quickly get used to being on your own again. 

[sanmagic7]

a novel experience - that's a novel idea!  thanks, s&b.  it's just such a horrid emotion to me, i don't know how some people have lived w/ it all their lives!  i don't know that i would've survived that, which is maybe why i haven't had it.  i know it makes me more human, so i'm glad of that.  i just hate the way it feels.  ugh!  it's stressful, and stress is anathema to me and my well-being.  i'm sick because of stress, so adding more doesn't ever feel like a positive thing.  trying to embrace fear?  i'm doing the best i can with that, but ugh!  it's so scary!

[Snowdrop]

I hear you, fear is nasty.

Random suggestion! Have you tried shaking? I worked on fear a few days ago, and I found shaking helped to get rid of it. It feels a bit like shaking apples off a tree.

Sending you courage and trust.

[MoonBeam]

Hi San,  I'm sorry to hear you have been feeling down and having physical ailments to deal with on top of that. I hope your ankle feels better soon. I like the idea of utilizing the concept of "the healing crisis" for emotional healing as well. It totally makes sense, especially since there may actually be physiological changes happening in our brains as we heal!

I appreciate your shares regarding love.  I often marvel at how difficult it is for me to receive love. I've always thought I felt love for others easily, but how can I truly love if I don't think I deserve love or my love for others is dipped in fear?  Aah, it's all such a complex journey. And feeling fear...  fear is a strange animal. It too is physiological--adrenaline, cortisol, the brain reacting--amygdala taking over, the pre-frontal cortex shutting down, our heart rates changing and diverting blood flow. It really is a powerful experience. One I have been wearing to some extent my entire existence. I read a quote somewhere that "security and fear cannot co-exist." (or something like that) So I ask myself what does security look like? I don't have an answer yet. It's a process right?

I hear you about being alone too. I do think it's helpful when my boys are gone to let someone know I'm on my own. Like a little safety net in a way. I do find i somewhat revel in my alone time (once I adjust) it is so infrequent. I have a feeling you will find magic in the moments, unexpected gifts in the quiet places in the heart while your D is away.

Thinking of you with so much appreciation and sending love.
MB

[sanmagic7]

hey, mb.  thank you so much.  i'm feeling better now.  i think it's the anticipation that produces the fear - i'm not sure.  it's only been in the past couple years that i've been able to not only consciously acknowledge fear, but to actually feel it as well.  i've lived most all my life without it, so it's still kinda new. 

i kind of had an opposite thing going, where i expected to be loved and marveled at, yet at the same time brushed it away.  it was like 'of course i'm wonderful and can accomplish everything - no big deal'  i always felt like i loved myself, never allowed self-criticism, always excused my shortcomings.  again, only in the past few years have i been able to humble down enough to feel human, average, and allow the true feelings (at least some of them - i don't have all of them yet) to be felt within myself, allow the good from others to penetrate as something remarkable. 

yes, it is a process.  security, to me, is knowing that i can deal with whatever comes along, either by myself or with help of some kind.  that's how i've felt most all my life, since about 14 or so.  it was like i had to flip a switch, so i did.  it's only lately that insecurity has bothered me.  part of that has been from being ill for so many years, i had to make adjustments.

at any rate, i'm ok now, but i appreciate your suggestions (the neighbors do know my d is gone).  i know i will love this alone time.  my schedule will be totally different, what and when i do things will be all my own.  i'm a lot on my d's schedule normally cuz i feel it's my job to help her get herself and her business stuff together, and she also has her own issues that can get in the way.  we make a pretty good team, tho. 

thanks again, mb. 

[sanmagic7]

feeling good today.  my d's gone, so i did a round of processing - from 8 mos. to about a year.  the time when i was moving around, beginning to walk.  i heard my dad tell me he's proud of me for the first time - i've been looking for that all my life!  and my mom told me she'd never leave me, would basically always have my back.  another major need that was missing. 

i was able to say the words out loud this time during 3 rounds of brainspotting.  hearing them out loud got me crying, so i know i hit the nail on the head.  i can feel my mind spinning right now, and i'm a little tired.  i went thru 3 different scenarios - one where i was crawling toward something that wasn't a baby thing, my dad swooped me up, told me 'hold on, kiddo', and also told me how i was his precious little girl and he didn't want me to get hurt.  i'm sure that never happened in real life, but it has now happened in my mind, and it's what i needed to hear even now.

i also had a scenario where i was in a high chair, eating, threw some food on the floor that i didn't like.  my mom said 'o, no, i just cleaned the floor', but then quickly added 'it's ok.  let's try something different', and put off cleaning up till i was finished eating.  again, something i doubt would have ever happened.

then i was in the living room beginning to walk (i have no idea how old i was, so i set it at about a year), and both my folks were there, gushing over me, smiling and happy with my accomplishment, and that's when my dad told me how proud of me he was.  well, needless to say, the tears were all over the place during this, but good tears, cleansing tears.  washing away the old truth and clearing the way for a new truth to take hold.

so i'll see what the day has in store for me, will rest if i need to - i'm on my own schedule, and that feels good.  will cook myself some good food, work on my book - i feel like i have lots of energy.  i wonder if my d brings in drag-down energy to our house.  that thought never crossed my mind before.  but, she does.  i'm all about fun and whimsy, she's very logical, precise, and controlled in many ways.  she does love to laugh, tho, and we have laugh-o-meters ringing off the boards when we watch comedies.  but the rest . . .  she's so wounded and can't admit it. 

so, yes, i'm enjoying my time alone.  it is magical, like moonbeam mentioned.  i saw raccoons this morning knocking apples out of a tree and scurrying away with them!  magic! 

[Snowdrop]

That's beautiful, San. I have so much admiration for you with the work that you're doing. Sending you love, hugs and all things magical.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop.  magic it is!

had a few dreams yesterday and last nite, so i know my brain is processing, but i walked this morning, feel strong.  will be able to work on stuff today - i have good energy.

yay!

[Snowdrop]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the cheer, snowdrop.

was able to do a lot of stuff today, feeling strong.  i also felt like a well-played tetris game was going on in my brain, pieces falling into place nicely and neatly.  it was a good feeling.

now, it's about time for a nap.  but i feel contented and relaxed, which really feels nice.

[Tee]

  that's so awesome San I'm so excited for you.  I hope you have a great time and continue make so much great progress. 

[Jazzy]

but i feel contented and relaxed, which really feels nice.

Sounds nice... glad to hear it!

[Blueberry]

Wow san! Sounds like some breakthroughs!   

[sanmagic7]

thank you tee, jazzy, and blueberry.  love the support!

got my flu shot the other day, am really feeling the effects of it now.  ugh!  feeling like crapola yesterday and again today.  gonna lay low till this passes.