ch. 6 - beyond the past

[Snowdrop]

Congratulations! 

[Not Alone]

i just finished my book, now for the final run-through, which will hopefully happen later this week.  then, my d is going to format it for me, and i can see about putting it on the market, or what exactly i'm going to do with it.  it's kind of an exciting adventure!

Very exciting. Congratulations. 

[sanmagic7]

moonbeam, tee, sceal, and notalone, thank you for being excited for me.  more later.

right now, i just finished a re-scripting session.  it was sparked by a comment from a forum friend about the lies my dad told me.  what was significant to me was that he also always told me to be honest.  yet, when i broke my arm falling off my cousin's scooter, he told me to lie about it at school the next day, to say that i ran into a door.  he also had me duck down in the car the day we went to their house for something so they wouldn't see the sling on my arm.

i think i've mentioned that this is double-bind stuff, where you're expected to do, say, believe 2 contrasting things at the same time.  it's a schizophrenic making dynamic.  be honest and lie.  it traps you, traps your mind.  i quickly flashed to that first t, my ex, and my d who trapped me in a triangle of this.  my workplace also did the same thing.  it's a miracle i have some semblance of sanity - but that's why i ran to mex.  i was losing the little i still had left.

so, i ended up doing some re-scripting this morning - the urge overwhelmed me to get this up and out.  i think i got to 18 mos., but it's not quite finished yet.  i still have to get an apology from my father for starting the double-bind thing in the first place (so, i would more easily fall into that same trap later in life), and from my mother for allowing it to happen.

what i did do, tho, was have him take my hand, walk me around, tell me not to touch something because it could break, then say 'wait, i'll put it up out of the way so you don't get hurt'.  i had my mother stand up to him, too, telling him not to expect me to be perfect, that i was fine the way i was.  it's important in this re-scripting that she stand up to him before the damage is done.  she didn't do that till it was too late.

when i included those 3 people in my life, i also threw in my last workplace, where they were doing the same thing.  i was able to say that they were all wrong for doing that.  i both yawned and cried a lot during this.  i'm drained right now, but feeling more peaceful inside. 

there's more to do during this time period, but that's for another day.  this was good for today, and i've got to rest a bit before i tackle the rest of it.  this felt quite general, so i'm guessing i need more details next time.  but, it's a start.

[Not Alone]

 

[Blueberry]

You're working really hard, san, and really moving forwards   

[Tee]

  your doing such great work.  I'm so proud of you.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, blueberry, and tee - you don't know how much i've needed you today.  this sent me reeling.  thank you so much for your support.  it means the world.

[Snowdrop]

  

[sanmagic7]

thank you, snowdrop.  this chunk took a lot out of me today, maybe cuz i mixed it w/ people of later years.  it all seemed connected, but it was a span of more than 40 yrs. i was dealing w/ that double-bind stuff.  it was difficult to realize just how much it affected me.  it's hard to put into words just how i'm feeling about it - shame came to mind first off.  i feel like i'm ashamed for them, their cruelty and meanness.  even tho my folks set it up originally, they truly didn't know better.  but the others - they were all involved w/ therapy and therapeutic practices, yet they still did that to me.  it's so hard to understand. 

i was at the brink several times because of what they did as intelligent, knowing adults, and i'm feeling nearly at the brink again, but i'm thinking this must be an ef right now, which shows me what a frickin' profound impact it had on my brain and mind.  it's difficult to comprehend the enormity of this, what it did to me.  not only to the brink of sanity, but to the brink of leaving physically as well.  several times.  i'm paying a huge price right now, working on staying present and being ok. but honestly, i haven't felt this disoriented in a long time.  haven't felt like an ef since nearly 2 yrs. ago. 

i'm hoping to be able to shower tomorrow, and to walk.  it may be a xanax day, tho.  my brain is reeling, as if i'm in shock.  i'm pretty strong, but this is pretty deep crapola to deal with.  and i know it's not finished, this piece.  i don't know whether to finish it tomorrow, maybe that'll clear it up, or wait till i come away from where i am right now instead.  it just feels so undone, so open and raw.  at the same time, it feels like it needs to be closed up, stitched up so this part can heal.  doesn't feel like this can heal without that. any suggestions?  perspectives? opinions? 

getting tired, think i'll watch a bit of tv and hopefully fall asleep.  doesn't feel like a good sleeping nite.  my brain is too unhinged. 

[Snowdrop]

I can understand that this has affected you a lot. You're doing brilliantly though, sweetie, you honestly are.

I wonder if you need to see what feels right in the morning as to what you do next.

I hope you sleep well. Remember that you're safe. It's morning here, so I'll be around if you need me. <brings relaxing tea and wraps you in a blanket> 

[Three Roses]

Let's sit in the porch together! (everyone's invited -) I'll bring you some tea, fluff up some quilts - if it's nippy outside I'll zap the quilts in the dryer first to warm them - after we discuss your feelings we'll do some deep breathing and then work on our chakras some more.

If we feel really angry we can do some exercises there, too. I'll role play with you and you can say everything you've ever wanted to say to them!

Then it's off to watch some tennis. Maybe a walk on the beach, or in the forest. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, snowdrop, it was comforting to know you'd be around, it really was.  thank you for that.  i ended up sleeping ok, but dreamed i'd gone to england, was working on projects w/ people there.  strange dream in that every other time i've been stressed, i've dreamt of traveling, but up until last nite it was  always to mexico.  this was my first non-mexican trip (i've never been to the u.k.).  it wasn't a bad dream, but it seemed like escape, which makes sense to me.

just as an honest thing, i bristled when i read the word 'subtle'.  i can understand subtle as something that's not overt, such as physical or sexual abuse, but i honestly never thought of what they did as subtle.  maybe some of it was, but mostly it was covert, insidious, and relentless.  yes, that description just made my gut roil.  don't want to go any further - i'm getting too upset.  but, thank you for your care and concern for me last nite.  it was so appreciated.

3r, the thought of sitting on the porch w/ you brings tears to my eyes.  i am feeling quite fragile today - warm quilts sound lovely, but i'll trade the tea for hot chocolate (tea doesn't set well in my tum).  never thought of anger - haven't gotten there yet, i don't think.  talking would be wonderful, tho.  a fire in the fireplace in the cabin in the forest, little waves lapping against the shore, yes.  that's where i'd like to be.  it really is nippy outside.  thank you so much for your offer.

i'm too war-torn right now to try any more therapy.  honestly, all of you who do this stuff while you have work and families, well, you are  . . . .  i just don't know how you do it.  my hat's off to you.  i can barely move from one room to the next, let alone having a deadline to meet or responsibilities such as children or partners to contend with.  that's so much strength! 

so, i'm heading for the shower, wash some of this crapola down the drain.  thank you all for being here with me.  talk about feeling weak!  you're all holding me up right now, and i love you all for it.   

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you slept OK.

Apologies. I had no idea my use of that word would affect you in that way. Thank you for telling me. I will edit my post to remove that word.

I hope you have a restful time on the porch. A if that helps.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, you are a sweetheart, and don't ever let anyone tell you differently, not even, well, anyone!  thank you - that was very kind.  the hug always helps!  thanks for that, too.

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear this has upset you so Sanmagic. It sounds like you are making progress with it though, so that is a good positive to focus on. I hope you were able to get some sleep, and are feeling a bit better today. I believe you can get through this. Stay strong! Take care!