ch. 6 - beyond the past

[Not Alone]

Sanmagic: Want you to know I care about you. 

[Tee]

  I'm sorry I didn't see these till now I was off tech yesterday.  I hope today has been a little better and you were able to sleep with some peace last night.  Sending a huge calming hug filled with love and comfort

[MoonBeam]

Hi San, rest is a necessary part of recovery. You've been working so hard, processing so much. It's time for a little R & R. You deserve loving care and kindness and extra helpings of hot chocolate.  Thinking of you. 

[sanmagic7]

jazzy. thank you for the encouragement.  i am strong, but after so many years of doing this stuff, sometimes i really wonder if it's worth it.  your emphasis on focusing on the positive of what i'm doing helped a lot.  thanks.   

notaline, i read that sentence and felt my heart warmed by it.  it was beautiful and the timing was perfect.  thank you.   

tee, a hug filled with love and comfort was just right.  i did sleep well, and that always helps.  am also feeling better today. 

mb, rest it is.  i completely agree w/ you about rest being an active thing rather than 'lazy' or whatnot.  and, i must've felt you, cuz i bought hot chocolate at the store yesterday!  thanks for thinking of me.  so appreciated.   

once again, this magical place got me thru a rough time (that and a little xanax!  lol!), but i'm feeling much better today.  i've had a busy morning, but now am going down for a nap.  and this afternoon, i'll just do what i feel like, not what any kind of 'should' might creep in.  thank you all!   

i don't know how many of you, and everyone on this forum, realize just how precious you all are.  anyone who is fighting this by looking within themselves rather than taking it out on others over and over is absolutely the kind of person i'm grateful to have in my life.

[Not Alone]

  i've had a busy morning, but now am going down for a nap.  and this afternoon, i'll just do what i feel like, not what any kind of 'should' might creep in.  thank you all!   

San, glad you are doing better. Your plan sounds like healthy self-care and kindness. 

i don't know how many of you, and everyone on this forum, realize just how precious you all are.  anyone who is fighting this by looking within themselves rather than taking it out on others over and over is absolutely the kind of person i'm grateful to have in my life.

I agree!

[Blueberry]

i don't know how many of you, and everyone on this forum, realize just how precious you all are.  anyone who is fighting this by looking within themselves rather than taking it out on others over and over is absolutely the kind of person i'm grateful to have in my life.

Right back at you, san! 

[Tee]

  I'm glad you are feeling better. I appreciate you too!  Glad the hug was helpful.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, thanks for the validation.  i've been called lazy in the past when i've taken time for myself.  i love that people here believe in it as an active, wellness thing.

blueberry, thank you so much for that.  i am able to remember these things at times, and it is comforting to hear them in my head once again.

tee, thank you.  feeling even better today.  whew! 

still not going to do personal work, but will continue working on my book today.  what a gorgeous morning!  there were pinky peachy clouds, and they caused the ocean to look like a heathery lavender color.  it was a brisk walk - i could see my breath - but it felt so very good to be able to get out early once again and feel the freshness of the day.

wishing you all pleasure and peace.

[MoonBeam]

San, big heart hug to you. Thank you for sharing the beautiful image of your morning and your amazing, inspirational journey.

And as always, thank you for the kind words to us all and wishes of pleasure and peace. To you as well, dear one. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, mb - i love that big heart hug!  you are dear to me as well.   

[Sceal]

it always makes me smile when you write about your walks. So glad you're enjoying them. I didn't know you lived nearby the sea!

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, if i had a past life, i do believe i would have been part of a woodland tribe.  growing up there was a woods near our house where we played in nearly every day possible during the summer.  now, i have this tremendous rainforest for my backyard, and just beyond it is the ocean.  i can walk to the beach in 10 min. and can hear it on its more turbulent days thru my bedroom window.  it's quite the best of both worlds.  glad it makes you smile!  i feel the same way when i know you've been for a hike in nature - something that we share that's really positive and spirit renewing.   

[sanmagic7]

got up this morning about 5 and felt overwhelmingly tired.  still do.  i was able to roll over and snooze some more, which is unusual for me, but it felt good to just stay in bed.  i realized that i have this pressure on myself to accomplish things - i'm editing my book, going for walks, posting here, knitting a cover for my bed - which doesn't seem like a lot, perhaps, but i can feel the push from inside to keep going, as if i have a deadline or time limit, and something bad will happen if i don't keep up.

i don't know exactly what this is all about, but it was a good realization.  i think it's part of the pressure i'm always feeling and why i very rarely feel relaxed.  i've been knitting for many, many years while i'd watch tv at nite, and have always like doing it that way, but i finally saw this pressure on myself to keep going, keep pushing, and i feel bad (guilty?) if i don't get 2 squares done each nite.  pressure and its resulting tension, and lately i'm feeling pain in my finger joints and beginning to question whether i'm getting arthritis.  but maybe it's just the tension while knitting, which should be a relaxing task.

don't know about this, just wanted to write it down.  opinions are always welcome, since i have a hard time being in touch w/ what's going on brain-wise. 

[Blueberry]

san, I read this and think  because you're so understanding with what you write to me about not pressurising myself and allowing myself downtime! Idk what else to say but sending 

[Jazzy]

Sometimes it can be really challenging just to allow ourselves to relax. Its good you're realizing this and listening to your body though. Arthritis usually has swelling with it, so that's something to watch out for. Take care sanmagic!