ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, thanks for the perfect hug.  right on the money!

a sacrificed inner self on the altar of relationship - what an eloquent way to put that, 3r.  dang, this crapola is tough.  glad you made it thru, tho. 

thanks for the support, notalone.  i wish you could wave that wand, too! 

and much love to you all.

feeling pretty rough.  went thru more 'therapy' today - i'm calling it therapy cuz, even tho i'm w/o a t, i'm still doing the same kind of work.  finding more things out, like 'pseudo-independence' (such as you mentioned, 3r), touch deprivation (babies who aren't touched enough in the right way fail to thrive), constant fear of rejection already at such a young age - i can only imagine what must have happened.  being repressed emotionally, probably physically (playpens were big in those days, and my mom was a clean freak . . .)

anyway, too beat to think much, have to have some time to process all that i've been learning this morning.  mainly, attachment issues, something i've never looked at before for myself.  didn't realize it applied, but now i can't see how it wouldn't.  talk to the child - but that will have to wait.  i can feel tears welling up behind my eyes at the thought of doing that, so i know it's necessary.  not today, tho.  not today.

[Tee]

  big steps San 

I hope you have a good night!

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee - i did have a good nite, and a long, hard nap today.  exhausted.

i have a plan now for tackling some of this.  i know of a t who specializes in attachment issues, and she is a proponent of 'talk to the child'.  i know this can work as i experienced it w/ a friend who also had some counseling background.  we were going thru one of my most distressful memories w/ my parents who did not know how to deal w/ an emot. outburst i had when i was 13 or 14.  i was working on this, regressed to that age (i was already in my 60's) crying, but managed to ask her to tell me what my mom should have said to me, and to put an arm around me.  she did that, it was heartfelt cuz she recognized my regression, and the results were remarkable.

this was an issue i'd worked on w/ others along the way, including an emdr t (who i found cold and insensitive, so i didn't really get results), and having her talk to me (the child, as if i were back to being that child) the way i'd needed my mom to do at the time worked wonders.  that issue, while i still remember it, no longer packs the punch it used to.  it's just a memory now.  so, when i'm feeling better, i'm going to sit down and be each of my parents in turn, and begin when i was the cut up newborn, all bloody and bruised, and say to her/me what i'd needed each of them to say and do at the time.  but not today.  i'm excited for this, tho.  i think it's a big part of what i've been missing.

[Tee]

That sounds like a great idea.

I wonder if something like that might work for me? I might try talking to my T about something like that.  We are currently to the point that I'm struggling with the voices in my head mostly from my mom's early hatred towards me whenever I was in her way out not perfect.  Which means I'm struggling with my self concept.

Sorry didn't mean write so much on your feed. Hugs good luck!

[Not Alone]

Sounds like this can be big healing steps. Take your time. I wish I could stand with you as you lovingly parent different parts/ages. In my heart I am with you and for you.

[Three Roses]

Wow, San, you've got a great plan and I'm excited to hear the outcome! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee, it might be something to talk to your t about.  it has helped for me, and i'm fully believing it's going to help again.  best to you with this.  by the by, i didn't think you took up too much space.  i'm just glad you were able to find something in what i wrote that might be useful to you.  that's what we're here for, right?   

notalone, just the words you write, the wishes you sent means that you will be standing with me.  when i finally take the first step with this, i will imagine you right next to me.  thank you so much for that support.   

thanks, 3r, for that support and validation.  i'm excited, too.  i'll let you know how it works out.   

yesterday, as i was contemplating this next step, i realized that i felt rather scooped out inside, that i'm ridding my 'self' of a lot of muck in which i've been stuck, and for a second was at a loss as to how to fill it.  today, i don't really feel that way so much.  i think that it has simply left room for the healthier parts of me to spread out, feel their fullness, so to speak.  i think someone else spoke of that recently, not knowing what to fill themselves w/ once the neg. stuff is gone.

i just recalled someone who was dealing w/ narc abuse saying that as her recovery grew, so did the light within, a lightness of being.  maybe that's what i'm experiencing, or something to that effect.  it would be great, i think.  not sure cuz i've been so weighed down for so long, i don't really know how something different than that might feel in the long run.  so far, it feels good.  i'll take it and i want to work on getting more of that.

i believe i'm going to go along w/ this 're-parenting' thing (altho i didn't think of it that way) along the timeline of these chakras.  the first one is all about birth to 6 mos.  well, i was physically injured pre-birth, but i know what my parents told me about it.  actually, my mom just told me the facts as she'd heard them cuz she was knocked out in the delivery room, so she never even saw me until later.  my dad just repeatedly told me over the years that i was the ugliest baby he'd ever seen.

so, i'm going to do them separately, holding that newborn in my arms visually, and tell her what she needed to hear, hold her like she'd needed to be held.  wow, no wonder every time i'd see images/commercials/movies whatever about parents and children i'd start bawling my eyes out.  old wounds die hard, even tho these were all pre-verbal.  they made a huge impact nonetheless.  i believe it will be healing.  i'm both dreading and looking forward to doing this.  i didn't even do this with my own babies.

[Tee]

Hugs baby cuddles are the best love your baby self.

[Not Alone]

I feel honored that you would picture me with you as you hold and nurture the parts/ages. Your words to others on this site are so encouraging and loving. Without a doubt, you have the love within you to embrace all within. I am looking forward to hearing about this part of your journey. 

[sanmagic7]

tee, thanks for that encouragement.  i'm not a baby person, so this stuff is not my forte.  i know i'll have to go outside my comfort zone on this, but i have gotten so much caring and compassion from everyone here that i will bring that all in and then let it flow out to the baby i'll have in my arms.   

notalone, when i had to leave mexico, it was one of the most difficult things i've ever done.  i was so scared, so sad, so devastated to be leaving my hub and the country i ran to for safety 16 yrs. before . . . and the one thing that helped me as we crossed that border was visualizing all the beautiful people here, watching me, walking along with the car.  i could see them all in a group, walking and watching me anxiously, and i drew strength from them.  they got me back to the states w/ my sanity intact.

i am honored that you want to be one of that group for me, for i'll need all of you again.  this will be another major transition in my life, and i so appreciate all the strength you all will give me.  thank you for being part of my support group.   

i won't be doing this till next week - we are getting our neighbor's car for a month, and have lots of plans for this weekend.  with all of you surrounding me, especially as i comfort that poor baby me, i'll get through it with flying colors.  i know you all will help give me the words and feelings that i need to impart to her.  already tears are springing to my eyes just thinking about how loved and comforted she will feel from my mom, and how beautiful she will feel from my dad as i take on those roles.  wow - i'm being filled w/ energy as i speak.  i'm looking forward to it.

[Tee]

 

[Three Roses]

San - I made a box for you and sat it on the Healing Porch - in it you'll find all baby necessities, everything you can imagine you'll need for this baby. There's a hand made quilt there, too! And one for you as well. The porch swing's springs have been oiled so they won't creak and the rocking chair has been polished. If the Porch isn't the right setting for this exercise, please feel free to "take" all these things to the setting of your choice.

Warmth and light to you, and an embrace filled with motherly inspirations. 💗

[sanmagic7]

tee, thanks for the hug.  i'm feeling surrounded w/ care and love.

3r, you are so thoughtful and sweet, it fills my heart to bursting.  i thought about doing this on the porch, and i believe you're right - it will be the perfect place to do this.  you will all be there w/ encouragement, words when i falter, suggestions when i get confused.  it's right and good that i get help w/ this.  i was in terrible post-partum dep.  w/ my own 2 girls, never had a chance to do this for them.  at least i can do it for me, help myself.  brings up a lot of sadness, tho.

still, the quilts are so beautiful, i can't believe it!  for the baby, it will have numbers, letters, and animals and birds on it, each in their own little square.  for my mother, it will be autumn colors - she liked browns, oranges - and for my father it will be primary colors - he was a colorful, charismatic man.  thank you so much for everything.

so, i don't know for sure when i'll get started on this - possible later today, possibly wait till mon.  but i feel quite a bit more prepared for writing about this, getting these responses, knowing that i'm not alone when i do this.  i think it will be remarkable and help quite a bit in shifting a lot of dysfunctional perspectives and behaviors that have plagued me since i was born.  baby steps couldn't be more appropriate w/ this. 

[Tee]

When my babies were just born I was given a frame box that came with a dough to put thier foot print in.  They were so small I did both a hand and a foot.  Then below there was room for a picture. I have both still hanging in my house to remember how small and sweet they were.  That's my baby gift for baby San don't forget to count the fingers and toes and tell her how perfect she is.

[sanmagic7]

o, tee, thank you for that suggestion!  it's wonderful!  i so appreciate it.  you brought tears to my eyes thinking about telling her how perfect she was.  i don't remember anything like that from my M, and my F only told me how ugly i was cuz of the wound and probably black and blue eye and swelling.  but, you're right, i was perfect anyway - just physically hurt, which needed gentle care and comfort remembering that rather than mocking, even if he was trying to be playful.  i'm definitely going to include 'perfect' from both of them, each in their turn.  thank you again, sweetie.  i love it, love you.