ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

thank you, blueberry, for getting it.  there's no defense against this stuff.  sorry you experience it, too.  it puts all our other survival, recovery, and healing work in jeopardy once again.  and over and over.  takes away the totality of feeling safe cuz it blindsides us.  then we have to battle our way back up one more time, licking a new wound on the way.  ugh! 

for me, the neg. thinking comes back.  all that i worked toward putting that to rest so my mind can be more useful is seemingly flushed away, and the defenses against it have to be built up one more time.  it's just extra work that has to be done to get back to where i once was.  wearing and exhausting, and takes away energy from things i'd rather be doing.

and the beat goes on.

[Snowdrop]

Sending you love, hugs, and feelings of safety and security.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop.  reading your comforting words helped my heart slow a bit.   

[Sceal]

Big warm hug!

[MoonBeam]

I'm so sorry San. I totally understand. You are so brave and strong to have fought off so much for so long. You deserve respect! and compassion and care from anyone and everyone in your life. I wish I had some wise words to share.

I do have some armor though and I am so happy to loan it to you and share it's secret so if you want you can have some too. It's imbued with powerful magic. When someone is slashing at me, and it is like that, violent and hurtful, my magic armor glows and all of the negative energy and hurt that is coming at me from the sender is encapsulated in a transmuting violet flame. The flame is like an energy wave in itself and it goes flying right back where it came from because I push it right back. It can't get to me through my armor and in the act of sending it back, my intention is that they have to deal with all of the negative energy, nastiness and pain they are throwing at me. No negativity is coming from me. I don't have to engage. I just send it back. You can send it way around D2, so she's not in the middle on your end, and she can have some armor too if she would like.

I don't know if that's helpful San, but it's yours if you would like it. Sent with love and compassion.  MB.

[sanmagic7]

always welcome your hugs, sceal.  thank you.

mb, brilliant.  i was struck speechless last nite when i read what you wrote, and the gift you were giving me.  honest.  i pictured it on my walk this morning, and it affixed itself just under my skin (i figured i'd feel prickles in the future, but this crapola won't get to the heart of me anymore, nor any of my other organs, for that matter) while i was watching the waves thrashing on the ocean.  they pounded it into me - even that was magical.  then i also visualized a doo-hickey attached to my chest (kind of like iron man) as the focal point of the neg. energy push.  also near my heart so it won't be shredded anymore.

i lovelovelove the idea that they will then have to deal w/ their own neg. energy, and i don't have to stir up any of my own.  i am just now sending an armor-covered bridge to my d2 as she sleeps as a protective conduit for me - anything that comes thru her will get collected there and go straight to my transmutation device.  what a creative, magnificent gift you've given me.  thank you more than i can say.  my heart is being cleansed as we speak.  i can now share a clean heart w/ you.

finally feeling better this morning.  my walk was beautiful - the leaves are beginning to turn colors, and we've had storms, so the ocean is turbulent, huge waves crashing, white caps far out to sea.  yesterday in the storm, these enormous trees behind our house were swaying.  it's almost other-worldly to see that.  mesmerizing.  fantastical.

my heart is still being cleansed.  funny how much grit we retain.  it feels like draining pus from an abcess.  i picture it going thru a tube out the window - the universe will take care of it. in that i have faith.  thank you all for the support and hugs to get me thru these past 2 weeks.   

[MoonBeam]

San, I'm so happy you are feeling your strength and magic so powerfully.     I absolutely love the heart medallion you created in your armor. You are amazing and I am grateful to know you. 

Thank you so much for sharing your walk with us this morning and your journey. I so appreciated imagining myself there walking with you, with the ocean, the beautiful colors and energy of Fall storms. An inspiring, healing way to start the day for sure.   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, mb, and a big  to you.

i finished my book today -  .  we took a walk to the ocean - i wanted to cleanse some crapola off me from my ex, who told me that he wouldn't edit this book cuz he didn't want his name connected to something that was going to fail.  i used my armor, too.  left it all in the ocean, which smelled soooo good - we've been having storms, and there was so much foam being washed around, gigantic waves yards and yards out from the beach, and great, huge pieces of kelp lying around that looked like rubber hoses w/ bulbs on the ends and leaves growing out of those.  pretty weird but wonderful! 

my d and i are going to lunch to celebrate tomorrow.  it'll be great!  love you all!

[Blueberry]

  on finishing your book!

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks blueberry and 3r - i'm pretty dang proud of myself, i have to admit!   

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  feels like family, somehow, happy for me.  i like it a lot.

[Tee]

  congrats on the book San  :hug:enjoy your time with your D.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Dear sanmagic, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing about your walks and the beach and the waves and wind and trees. Isn't nature wonderful? I have not been around and I haven't been keeping up but I can gather you have been having a hard time and I'm glad you are finding good things too.