ch. 6 - beyond the past

[Sceal]

Such a huge thing to do! Finish an entire book! That is hard work. Your ex is wrong. Your book can not fail, because you have finished writing it. That by default means it is a success.  Money isn't the only measure of success.

[sanmagic7]

thank you for that, my sweet sceal.  that was so very satisfying to hear that.  love you 

[sanmagic7]

i just finished a round of re-scripting, had to look up where i'd left off and what had still been missing.  too much stress between now and then to get back to it, but finally, today, i was ready.

thinking of myself at 18 mos.  i did more of my F holding my hand, walking around the house w/ me, telling me what i couldn't touch, but not lying about it.  he would say either that it wasn't something for little kids to play with or that it was something he wanted to keep, so he'd put it someplace else for now.  also substituted a toy for me to have.  i heard my M also telling him not to lie to me.

the tears came when it was bedtime.  he offered to read me a story before bed.  that was so heartwarming to me.  or he'd give me a kiss and hug, and myi M would do the same and put me to bed.  she was also 6 mos. pregnant at this time, and they told me about a new baby coming, it was in her belly, and i could touch her belly.  there was never any kind of intimacy like that before, but i can feel it w/ them now.  my F also took me outside, walked down the steps w/ me holding my hand, then swung me up in the air the last few steps.  he had a look of happiness and enjoyment on his face. 

at the end, i could see them surrounding me, telling me they'd always have my back, my M saying she'd protect me, my F saying he wouldn't send me away, he'd be there for the rough patches.  it was a lovely scene, and i cried thru it as i saw and felt it.  i felt protected, could feel warm and comfortable with them, was absorbing it.  one yawn right in there, so i knew i released some ugly stuff from inside.  it feels complete now for that age, and next i'll be ready to move on.

dang, i can't believe how much i needed this.  didn't have a clue.  i do know that as i keep working on this stuff (as i told my d last nite) the bouts of anxiety have diminished, which i'm so glad about.  i haven't seen my hands shaking in many months.  i'll see how this goes over the week, maybe i can get to 2 next week.  i'm excited about it.  now i need to do a smudging, release all the negativity that may have been generated.  and, on w/ my day.

[Blueberry]

Once again you are working so hard, san! Wow. So glad for you that you've made this physical progress of no longer having shakey hands. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry.  i really appreciate your support.

after processing a bit, it hit me full force about this book.  it's been a long-time dream of mine to have a book published, and that dream is finally coming thru, even at this late date.  wow!  i'm over the moon, cried a gallon of tears w/ finally being able to feel what it means to me.  my hub has also agreed to translate it into spanish for me, which would be so very cool.  by getting paid in royalties, i know that he'll do his utmost to also promote it to spanish speakers. 

i can't believe this is actually happening!  i'm so frickin' jazzed! 

[Blueberry]

[sanmagic7]

*chuckle* thanks so much, blueberry!  it really does feel like that inside me!

[Tee]

  That's awesome San I'm so happy for you. That you were able to rescript, and finish your book.  You're a rock star. Big hug 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee - my face broke out into a big grin!   

feeling my brain processing the stuff from yesterday.  weird dreams, especially of someone i had to be in close contact with not liking me.  that's pretty unusual for me in reality, so it was uncomfortable while i was dreaming it, feeling her dislike.  and, i feel kind of groggy today, like not a lot of energy, which i think is part of the processing.  my poor brain is working hard. 

[Three Roses]

You truly are a rock star! You have the spirit of a Warrior who fights for what's good and true, for the underdog, and for the voiceless. My hat's off to you!💝

Hope I get a chance to read your book someday. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you so much, 3r, for your more than kind words.  honestly, that's quite an accolade coming from you, because you're someone i respect and admire for your kindness and generosity.

got a killer headache tonite, but managed a couple of walks today, so i'm glad of that.  otherwise, just watched tv, played some cards w/ my d and the neighbor this evening, so i'm pretty tuckered right now.  this is tough to go thru, but i do believe it's helping, so i'll keep at it.  hopefully, i can get to 2 yrs. old next week.  slowly but surely! 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I hope your headache will leave you soon, and I hope that a soothing balm of nice things will come your way.  I don't know whether I already said this, but Many congratulations on your book - that is such an accomplishment, and it doesn't surprise me, as you are an accomplished and wonderful woman, and I am happy that you have achieved such a great thing as writing your own book.   
Sending you a hug, and hope today is ok. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hope.  your well wishes and kind words go right to my heart - i so appreciate you and what you say and share. 

i'm in the throes of therapy hangover yet.  this stuff does take a toll, even tho i don't feel like it the first day.  laying low today again.

[Blueberry]

   

"therapy hangover" - I get that too. In my case it often doesn't get going till a day or two after the therapy session either. So I'm sending compassion and a hug with self-compassion and allowing self to lie low while this stuff sorts itself in your subconscious. It does take a toll, you're so right there.

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, blueberry, for that compassion.  it's comforting.

full-blown sick now, so i'll be laying low till i feel better.  snuggling up and resting.