ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

i know, 3r, and thanks.

i haven't been thru such a rough patch in a while, it seems.  just can't get thru it.  this lost and forlorn feeling, i wonder if it's cause i'm hoping against hope that this t will not only want to work w/ me, but will also actually help me.  tears welling up as i type that.  the struggle seems to be getting harder the more work i do, maybe cuz feelings are now coming up that i've never felt before.  i don't ever remember feeling lost and forlorn in my entire life, and now i'm 72 and it's hitting me.  it just doesn't make sense.

i'm unraveling all my support mechanisms seem to be disappearing and i can't reach out and grab them cuz they're going too fast.  the thread is getting thinner.  luckily it's made of steel, but i haven't felt my sanity in jeopardy in a very long time. 

[Blueberry]

the struggle seems to be getting harder the more work i do, maybe cuz feelings are now coming up that i've never felt before.

This makes sense to me. There are things I struggle with that I never used to or there are tools that used to work and no longer do. That sounds a bit different from how exactly it's getting harder for you, but the fact that it's getting harder may be similar.

Anyway    and I hope ems comes by to help you.

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. Do you still have the armour that MoonBeam let you have? Would wearing it give you strength?

Sending you hugs of safety and support.

[Tee]

  hugs San it's ok to take a breath.  Take some time for you. Big hug. Full of empathy.

[Not Alone]

San, sorry it's so incredibly hard right now. Sending you care. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, all.  i did get mb's armor on, but it's not helping right now.  i have no energy.  thanks for the suggestion, tho.  and thank you all for the care and support.  i haven't felt depressed in years, and i'm hating it.  also very nervous to talk to the t on tues., see if it's even going to work out, if she wants to work w/ me, etc.  so very nervous.  and, yes, my d will go w/ me if i want her to.  she even rigged up an imaginary triangle that embraces me in the armor when i go to bed.  it was very sweet.

[MoonBeam]

Dearest San, I understand how you are feeling. I only have a moment on-line here, but really wanted to send a supportive  and tell you in my heart I feel you are on the edge of a breakthrough, a new layer of rebirthing in alignment with all of the hard work you have done. For me the pain comes from opening to a new layer of awareness and in that healing. It feels raw and so scary and it hurts so much. My words feel trivial and I so hope they honor where you are at and in no way diminish what you are going through. My intention is for you to see you as I see you--brave and strong, loving and kind, worthy of well-being in light and love as you walk through the fire. For me, sometimes it feels like falling off the cliff, the terror of letting go and not having something to grab onto, not knowing where I'm going to land. 

I'm imagining you held in this, held by all of our love for you here, the love the earth has for you, the universe pouring out love and wanting us to be whole and so alive. I'm hoping with all my heart your appt goes well tomorrow, that you feel supported and a hand is held out to walk through this next chapter with you. 


MB

[sanmagic7]

my dear mb, your words were a breath of fresh air.  thank you so much for each one.  i do believe that there has been a fear of not having something to grab onto, precisely, a man.  maybe, as you say, i have turned a corner, because the shroud that has enfolded me these past few days has lifted.  where i felt like a small 6-yr. old the other day, i think i was looking for my father to grab onto.  somehow, right this moment, i do feel more grown up.

whew!  couldn't have made it here w/o all of you wanting and wishing the best for me.  once again. you are the best.  love and hugs to you all.   as a precaution, i'm still in resting mode, especially cuz i'm calling that t tomorrow.  wish me luck!

[Blueberry]

Keep on  and good luck tomorrow!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, bb.  i appreciate the support.  i'm so very nervous, it's already a xanax day.  ugh!

[sanmagic7]

this journal got to be 25 pp. so i started a new one.