ch. 6 - beyond the past

[Tee]

  I love babies. Holding them always calm me down. All babies are precious. I can't wait to see you on the porch.  I hope you'll let me hold and love on baby San too.

[Not Alone]

My gift to baby San is a baby book, because each moment and detail of her beginnings is precious and important. Taking care of a baby can be tiring. If you need a break, I will be very happy to take a turn holding and walking (it seems they always want to be walked!) baby Sans.

[sanmagic7]

o my heart and soul - i am just drinking all this love and caring for baby me in, and it's filling me up in such an unexpected way.  i never thought i'd get these responses.  tee and notalone, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  yes, of course, i'll let you hold her - this is blowing me away!  in the very best of ways,

tee, your loving this baby me is so wonderful, i can't describe this feeling!  i've never wanted to hold babies - my own babies were like chores to me.  honestly, they were my responsibility, and i felt a ferocious love toward them, but i didn't really like them - the responsibility was too much!  i knew i wasn't really fit to be a mother, as in i didn't have the wherewithal to do so joyfully.  even while pregnant, i did what i could, but the babies inside me were passengers along the road of my own life, and i didn't have much other feelings toward them. 

my alexithymia and borderline autism and the p/p depression, i believe, worked against those feelings of happiness and joy that 'normal' mothers have.  the day i found out i was pregnant the first time, when i told my hub (our marriage was already on the rocks), i also told him that it was the worst day of my life, and i was calling the next day to get an abortion.  i knew my marriage wasn't going to last, and that i couldn't be a mother on my own.  he begged me not to, but bailed when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant.  i had to go live w/ a girlfriend in another state, have the baby w/ her as my coach.

second baby, different hub, but he was no partner, either, and the responsibility fell totally on me.  he admitted that he'd checked out and left me to do the parenting on my own.  speaking of what i want to say, how i want to feel toward baby me, and the support and suggestions i'm getting is like walking into a foreign country.  i barely understand this language!   i've never liked babies, altho i love them fiercely, did what needed to be done to keep them safe, etc., but i don't have a clue as to what you all are telling me.

notalone, a baby book - what a lovely idea!  i never saw one for me.  i will include pictures and thoughts for those first 6 mos. of my life they way they should have been recorded and believed.  and, yes, you're welcome to hold her, too.  that would be wonderful!  thank you so much.

i'm aghast at this.  i never expected this, but it's filling my heart in a way i've never known.  i have to leave this now - it's almost too much, but i wouldn't trade it for the world.  love and hugs all over the place.  you all are putting something into me that's never been there before.  who says words can't cause healing?     

[Tee]

 

[Not Alone]

 

[Blueberry]

I'm happy to hold Baby san too, if you need a break, san, and notalone is not around. Have a lot of experience in doing healing work holding Baby Blueberry and Little Blueberries as well as holding other people's Babies and Littles, also with being held and played with and comforted.

Also happy to sing some lullabies to Baby san. Even real life babies react well to my lullabies. 

[Deep Blue]

Awww this so lovely you guys. I'm only just seeing this all cuz I've been so busy.

Can I hold baby San for a bit? When my son was a baby I would run my finger under his chin and it always made him smile.

I will rock baby San and read to her too.  We loved goodnight moon so much.    to you San and baby San

[sanmagic7]

tee and notalone, thanks for the hugs.  i'm using all these hugs to get myself ready.  if things are right for it, i'll do it today.

blueberry, thank you so much - of course you can hold her.  and i think singing to her would be wonderful.  i can picture you doing this, and it feels very special.

db, thank you, too, and, absolutely you can hold her, too.  i can see you run your finger under her chin - i think she'd like that, and would smile for you as well.

you are all being so wonderful about this.  i will surround myself w/ you, knowing i'm not alone as i take on my parents' presences and give my baby me what she needed when she was born from each of my parents.  this is going to be glorious, and i so appreciate all the help everyone here is giving me, all the support, all the caring and acceptance.  this is a healing space, indeed.  i'll keep you updated as soon as i'm able.   

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug of support, tee.  so appreciated, especially since i'm getting more nervous about doing this.  it feels like this is going to change a great part of my life perspective, perceptions, personal worldview - huge!!!

i've been thinking of this as a re-birthing, but that's not quite feeling right.  i actually did a re-birthing exercise one weekend, and i've heard a lot about re-birthing in a new age kind of way.  this doesn't feel like that at all.

instead, i believe i'm taking my power as an adult and rewriting the script that was given me for those first 6 mos. of my life.  that sounds and feels more accurate, but i'm scared gritless!  we'll see if later i'll be able to do this.  it feels important to me that i do both my parents, have each one speak to me the way i needed them to speak to me, look into my eyes as their precious, beautiful child, in order to let me know that no matter what i looked like when i was born, i was still wanted, still accepted, just the way i was.

man alive, this feels way bigger now than when i first began thinking about it. 

[Tee]

Did you see behealthy's post earlier today?  It made me think of you. And kind of what's going on with me right now too. The reparenting growing up again.  You can do it I wish I could hold baby San maybe that would calm my screaming littles.

[sanmagic7]

tee. baby san is right there for you to hold.  feel free.  i just still need to become my parents and talk to her, but she's always there, and she'd love to be held by you.   

[sanmagic7]

i am raw now, my face soaked w/ tears.  it was as if as soon as i told tee that baby san was there for her, that was the moment of her birth, and i became my parents, back and forth in turn, rocking her, passing her back and forth for my M and F to hold her and tell her everything she'd not heard before, especially that she was beautiful even if her face was a mess, and that they'd always be there for her when she cried.

my mother stood up to my father, told him that she didn't care what anyone said about spoiling her if she cried and was picked up, she was going to do it anyway, and she didn't want to hear anything like that from him cuz she'd ignore him.  she was basically defying him right from the start, letting him know that this baby needed gentle care always, and comfort when she cried.  my mother took over nurturing this baby me, and it was right and good.  there was too much talk about 'spoiling' babies back in those days, and she was having none of it.

and when they were both able to say what was needed to be heard by this baby me, i held her out to all of you, wrapped in that beautiful quilt, out there on the porch.  you were singing softly and sweetly, and each of you touched her, held her, so gently and lovingly, so preciously, and you passed her from one to the other, touching her cheek, smiling at her, and i counted thru the months so she aged to 6 mos. and you were all there, and she began holding onto your fingers and smiling and gurgling at you all. 

then you handed her back to me, and i now have a gigantic hole in my gut.  i don't know what that means right now, but newborn baby me has been cherished by both her parents and all of you.  thank you for being w/ me during this experience.  you gave me the strength and the gifts to know what to do and say.  there may be more, i'm not sure, but this was a swell start.  love to everyone.  this baby has been blessed.

[Tee]

  thank you for letting me hold her. I'm so proud of you. I wish I could give you a real hug. Trying to find away to calm my IC. Holding baby San helped thank you she is precious. Can't wait to hear as she starts to grow.

Thank you for your care for me today it means so much.

[MoonBeam]

Wow San. My heart is swelling with the love you have shared and allowed to be shared. The beauty and grace in your post is deeply moving. She is the most beautiful baby San and she is safe, protected, adored and honored. May she continue to grow and thrive in this new light, this new truth, for this is the truth. She is loved, as are you.

MB