ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

first, thank you, tee, for your continued support.  so very appreciated.  hope your vacation goes really well.   

just a note - new path here.  i realized i was beginning to repeat and repeat what went on in my past, and i'm now ready to accept what it was, how it was, what it did to me, how i responded, how i was, what i did, what i believed, what i denied, and i'm done.  it's time to let that go, i've worn it out, i've got new planets to discover, now universes to explore, and present-day symptoms to work on.  i don't want to stay what i was in many respects, but will also give myself credit for all i am, all i have accomplished, and for leading a wonderfully diverse and interesting life, that i'm not finished with yet.  here's to moving beyond the past into the present, enjoying who i am now, what i have now, my struggles and joys, and praying for the strength to keep finding new ways to rid myself of what was so that i can just be.  wow, that sounds incredible to me.  we'll see!  i have only been able to do this w/ your help, and i look forward to more of that as well.  yay, us!

[Tee]

  good luck San all the best to you!

[sanmagic7]

love you, tee, and thanks!   

[Deep Blue]

Love it! Love you ❤️

[sanmagic7]

thanks, db.  love you right back!   

i was feeling a bit discombobulated after my decision - my brain was still swirling w/ the confusion and descent i was feeling - so i decided to smudge myself, and that helped.  i found a lovely little smudging prayer that i've been using (into the smoke i release all energies that do not serve me, all negativity that surrounds me, and all fears that do not serve me. so it is.)  i do feel clearer after doing this, energy-wise, altho i feel a bit stoned, too, but that seems relaxing, and my muscles can use that anyway.  all in all, i do believe it's been helping me clear the remains of the past i've been harboring.

it feels good to be going in a different direction w/ all this.  there is some relief.  i can feel the weight of the saying that i am not defined by my past, but i am a product of it.  to me, that keeps the door open to grow and change.  i know that often change is spoken of as something to fear, but in this case, i am welcoming it.  i know i sound all positive now - this has happened before - but i'm gonna ride this wave till i'm beached, then i'll pick up my board and swim out to catch the next wave.  the ocean is relentless that way - there's always a next wave.  just like w/ recovery, right?

[Tee]

Stay positive San!

[MoonBeam]

Hi San,  Beautiful insights and vision after going through so much, working through so much. A big resounding yes, in finding new vision for changing old beliefs.

And yes, recovery is like riding waves--the calm peaceful ones and the resounding crashers. That imagery is right on and your perseverance and self care are inspirational. Thank you for sharing your journey here, as always, your wisdom and self-awareness help me identify and own my own.

Peace to you. MB

[Hope67]

i've got new planets to discover, now universes to explore, and present-day symptoms to work on.  i don't want to stay what i was in many respects, but will also give myself credit for all i am, all i have accomplished, and for leading a wonderfully diverse and interesting life, that i'm not finished with yet.  here's to moving beyond the past into the present, enjoying who i am now, what i have now, my struggles and joys, and praying for the strength to keep finding new ways to rid myself of what was so that i can just be.  wow, that sounds incredible to me.  we'll see!  i have only been able to do this w/ your help, and i look forward to more of that as well.  yay, us!

This is such a great start to your new Journal - so many great insights and future plans, and I would like to wish you the best with this journey forwards.   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee, thanks for the encouragement.  today is a down day, overtired, so not quite as up as i was.  still, that's part of this whole trip.

moonbeam, thank you for your generous thoughts toward me.  so very sweet of you to say all that.  it buoys me up (if i want to keep that water analogy going!).  but it does help give me energy to keep moving forward w/ all this.

thanks, hope, as always, for your support.  you have been an integral part of my recovery for a long time.

today i'm just plain tired, very low energy.  but i want to write about something i realized from another journal, about inner parts.  i've heard many people speak of their inner child, or children of different ages, and never was able to quite connect to that (never really had an ICr, either), but i think that's the alexithymia/autism getting in the way.  still, something pinged for me when i was reading that journal, connecting it to something someone else told me.

i've told myself stories for nearly my whole life to make reality easier to bear, and i believed them at the time.  the first one i remember, i was very young, maybe 3 or 4. i had a favorite doll i went to sleep with every nite - that was her special purpose in my life.  she was mostly made of a rubbery plastic, and the coolness was soothing to me.  one night i went to sleep and she wasn't there.

already, by this time, i'd learned not to ask questions, so i never asked where she was.  i must have been devastated, but to keep that at bay, i told myself that the king of the fairies had come and taken her away, and that's where she was.  for some reason that story allowed me to be ok w/ having her gone.  many, many years later when i was visiting w/ my mother, i finally asked her about it.  she told me that she'd gotten rid of that doll because it had become so gross and worn out.  it pains me to remember this conversation, probably because i still couldn't let her know how horrible it had been for me and to ask her why she never told me, asked me, discussed it with me.

so, i think the storyteller part was born that night, and she kept me safe and sane my entire life.  since i did believe these stories, i told them as if they were true, even if i had no proof.  i'm working on that now, being able to stay in reality no matter what, altho sometimes i still find myself saying the reality to my d, but keeping the story inside my head as something to believe in.

i guess my storyteller is still needed for me, because if i think of the reality of some of these things, i still couldn't bear them to be true.  there's just enough gray area that the story makes sense to me and could be true, and that's what i hang onto.  i don't know if i'll ever not need her, but she's still here, still working her magic for me, and still keeping me safe and sane.  yeah, i still need her.

don't know if i have any other parts like that, cuz i haven't really gone into that aspect very specifically, but i'm grateful to be able to put this into perspective for myself and be ok w/ it.  it's something i don't want to change.  maybe it means i'm living a lie, but i guess that's just what i'm going to do for now.  the other option is too much.  don't really have feelings about it.

[Tee]

I think having a story teller sounds nice San.  I wish I had a way spinning some of the things in my past. It's ok to be alright with the parts that you have.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for that validation, tee.  i appreciate it.  it's taking a while to reconcile to myself this part of me, but i'll get easier with it as i keep allowing it to just be, without criticism or harsh self-judgment.  your support helps.   

[Three Roses]

The thought of a young, innocent, sensitive, lonely little girl waking to find her best friend gone just pierces my heart. Honestly, it brings tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for this loss of yours, little San. 

[sanmagic7]

3r, you brought tears to my eyes with what you wrote.  i'm not always fully consciously aware of these kinds of feelings for myself, but to see them from someone else, well, it was quite the emotional experience.  one more time, how do i get the kindness and gentleness and understanding from strangers that i never got before?  this place is a marvelously magical mystery to me.  thank you, my dear.  you mean a lot to me.

i think these underlying experiences must be connected to the tears i cry daily without necessarily having a specific reason for them.  you gave me a specific here that i was never quite in touch with.  there are so many of these now, i don't know that i'll ever stop crying, but i don't resent my tears.  i never cried for what happened when it did - better late than never.  now i think of my tears as holding poison, and they're allowing the poison to leave me at last, so i'm grateful for them.  cleansing.

thank you, again.

today i turned down an invite to go to a bookstore w/ my d and our neighbor.  it's the smile and be social thing, and i just don't have the energy.  she's a lovely woman, and i'm glad for my d that she is having this friend with whom she can actually do things, is close by - she's been longing for someone in the vicinity - all her friends are long distance now -but i'm just too rough to be comfortable for more than a few minutes in lovely peoples' company.  i've been in bars too long, and have spent much of my life w/ others who have also had bar experience.  this woman definitely doesn't.

my d has encouraged me to get involved w/ other seniors, but honestly, i can't see it.  there are so few people with whom i feel comfy.  i'd rather be home now in familiar surroundings.  i don't know.  it's weird.  my d doesn't feel comfy around some of my brand of humor, either, so there are times when i have to watch myself even at home.  some of it is a mom-daughter thing, and i get that.  some of it is just that my experiences were more worldly, i guess would be the term, and that includes the kinds of people who have been in my life as friends. 

so, i'll do some mundane chores today, and i'm ok with it.  it does bring up a bit of loneliness that i work hard to avoid.  don't want to think of myself as lonely. 

[Deep Blue]

Ha ha!
Senior activities?!?!? San! Your spirit isn't the same as your actual age.  Maybe you can do an activity that matches the age you feel inside?

I think staying home is a good idea when you know it's going to be too much and it's not something you will necessarily enjoy.

Love ya!

[Three Roses]

There's a little business near here where you can create, with guidance, different projects like glazed ceramic plates and such - I wish all of Us could go do a group thing!