ch. 6 - beyond the past

[Not Alone]

Wiping away my tears. I am so proud of you. Thank you for the profound privilege of allowing me to be a part of this and the joy of holding baby San. She is beautiful, precious and loved; and so are you.

[sanmagic7]

thank you everyone for your kind words and well wishes.   

i'm too upset today about a financial matter - dang, i'm so sick of being poor and dealing w/ this crapola! - to write much.  my d will help me, but till it gets fixed, i'm pretty much a mess.

all the baby stuff, tho, is great.  this is outside that.

[Tee]

  San

[Blueberry]

Thank you for the profound privilege of allowing me to be a part of this and the joy of holding baby San. She is beautiful, precious and loved; and so are you.

  And also thank you for writing so much about how it all evolved. I can almost picture us all there for you and baby san. Maybe we're on a safe, cosy part of the Healing Porch.

It sounds as if you did a whole lot of healing within a really short time. Both parents acting the way little san needed - wowser bowser!

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, tee.  always lovin' that.

you know, blueberry, it just seemed to flow.  the healing porch was just the perfect place to be surrounded by everyone for me.  i do believe a lot of healing took place.  in my mind, i think i knew that, because it was a birth, both my parents had to be present and doing what i needed as a baby or i'd feel lopsided, unbalanced somehow.   i was able to feel everyone standing around me - it was great - just like i was able to picture everyone walking along when i left mex.   i couldn't have done it w/o everyone here.  once again, this may be a virtual community, but i've found tangible results through it. 

feeling better today.  more stable w/in myself.  i'm looking forward to working on the next stage, but want to give my brain a bit of a break, just let it re-group.  there is a lot of stuff in the next stage - 6-18 mos. - that i can't remember personally, so i can only conjecture.  the big clue i have is that my mom told me that when my sister was born (i was 22 mos. old), she asked my dad to go easier on her.  i can only imagine what that truly means, but i know from growing up he was very strict, and i was living in fear of him rejecting me from an early age.  so, what could he have possible said to a baby less than 2 yrs. old?  the mind reels w/ possibilities.

but, not yet.  gotta take a break.  my parents will come through, tho, i'm sure of that.  in the past, i've already envisioned them, spoke to them (they've been dead many many years), did some healing that way w/ them, but this will be much more personal and intense.  gotta gear up for it.  warrior spirit to the fore!

[Three Roses]

Just read your last few journal entries and I'm moved to tears. Rock on, you beautiful earth mother!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3r.  the quilt you contributed was so soft and comforting to the baby, and it was what she was wrapped in when passed around to all of you.  thank you - it was perfect. 

[Sceal]

Hello darling.
I am sorry that I am in no state of mind to be able to read back through your journal and keep up with what's been going on in your life.
But I wanted you to know I am thinking of you, and that I apprechiate so much the support you have continously given me. Even when I've been away for so long.
You are a wonderful spirit, so beautiful. Thank you for being you.

[Not Alone]

San,

Sounds like a good idea to give yourself a bit of a rest before going on to the next stage. My mind immediately jumped to babies/toddlers and what they are doing and needing at that stage. Well, won't say more until you are ready to go there.

[MoonBeam]

Agreed. Wow! that is some amazing, deep work you are doing San.  You are brave and powerful.  Thank you for sharing your healing journey here.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, i'm glad you're taking care of yourself.  just showing up is a lot, means a lot to me, and i thank you for your support and kindness.

notalone, i will definitely call upon your knowledge of babies/toddlers when i'm ready.  i've got some chakra work and brainspotting to do first, but i'm waiting till at least next week to tackle those.  thank you for your offer of help.  much appreciated.

thanks, mb, for that validation.  i was able to feel my power when i decided to re-script.  it was quite the amazing feeling!

today i'm taking the day off.  i feel like i've pushed myself to the edge, and i don't want to go over it.  so, a laid-back day today.  i'm looking forward to taking the next step w/ all this, but it'll have to wait.  maybe some tennis and knitting today, do something completely different but relaxing.  plus, the rain gave me a break from walking, so it was a sign to me, and i was glad of it.  it sounds pretty, tho. 

[Tee]

  yes rest you deserve it

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee.  your support is always welcome.

have been resting, which is why i haven't been here lately.  too much thinking about issues, mine and others, can take its toll.  i'm hoping to get started on my next phase of re-scripting tomorrow.

this will entail the second chakra, which involves dependence, independence, sexuality, emotions the right to feel and to want.  it's the age between 6 mos. and 2 yrs. (my life changed drastically at 22 mos. when my sister was born).  mine is excessive, which includes sex/pleasure addiction, excessively strong emotions, oversensitive, poor boundaries, and emot. dependency, among others.  i have seen all these in myself; i've been very much a 'me' person.

i can only suspect the cause of this, the trauma behind these traits. it's suggesting that emot. abuse (i'll include emotional neglect in there), coldness, rejection, denial of my feeling states, emot. manipulation, too much playpen or restraint (i totally believe this - my M was a clean freak), and a trait i find very interesting - inherited issues, meaning that i absorbed the issues of my parents that had not been resolved.  both of them were from alc. families, so i know there was a lot that was never processed about that.

those will be what i'll be targeting during the week.  i've already been working on balancing this energy.  i can already see a decline in my craving to read what others here have written about my responses, get that acknowledgment and validation - those 2 have gone hand in hand for me.   again, since this is before my memory, it will be guesswork, but i think i've gotten a lot of clues from my research to put these pieces together.  i think a lot of my fierce need for independence has come directly from this - i believe i was both emotionally and physically restrained (i remember the wooden playpen handed down by my M to use for my girls.  i never did). 

for today, more rest.  it was a busy weekend that included other processing w/ my d.  always difficult to take a step back and look at how i might be perpetuating something unhealthy or uncomfortable in a relationship.  as sunflower says, baby steps.  ugh! 
6

[Three Roses]

Hurray for rest! It's on the top of the list for me today!

[Not Alone]

Sanmagic,

Glad you are getting rest today.

Some thoughts came to me as I read your post. I don't want this to interfere with your rest. Also, as always, if it doesn't fit for you, disregard. From the time my children could crawl, through when they were toddling and onward, I spent a great deal of time following them and keeping them safe. It is such an age of exploration. Everything gets looked at, touched, put into the mouth; and then on to the next item. At those ages, the child makes brief journeys away from mom or dad, but will look back to make sure they are still nearby. The thought popped into my head of you preparing a room where everything from the floor to about three feet up was safe. A room with safe things on the floor to explore. (tupperware is great, safe fun for babies) You have a strong sense of what you need. Keep following your heart and your instincts. You are doing brave, hard, creative work in your healing journey.