ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

always, snowdrop.  thanks.   

ended up in urgent care this morning w/ my d, looks like an infected duct or something, but she's got to go for a mammo and antibiotics.  i'm already tired, and we haven't made it to the hospital yet.  10:00 and already a long day.

i'm heading for the porch.

[Tee]

  San I hope you get some peace from the porch.   :hug:I hope your D feels better.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee.  didn't get to spend too much time there - got super tense by the afternoon, had to take a xanax cuz i just could not relax.  my d has to go to the hospital in town today for tests, which is an ordeal.  my mama bear just wants to protect her from having to worry about this crapola and know that she's ok.  i'm bringing needlework projects along for the waiting - i haven't done needlework in years!  something to pass the time, and it doesn't require too much concentration. 

getting the supplies together took me back to the time in my life when i was active all the time, making this and that, sewing, bowling leagues, socializing, knitting sweaters - i made nearly my entire wardrobe, which is weird to think about now.  i do miss my sewing machine, tho.  too much mexican grit mucked up the insides - couldn't get away from that stuff.  so, i'll keep myself busy while i'm waiting, already said a prayer that everything goes ok, even tho i don't think it's anything serious.  still, i hate that she has to go thru this, has to worry about what's happening inside her body.  luckily, everyone she's talked to w/ some experience in the med. field has told her that they think it's an infection, nothing more.  still, it came on overnight, so that's weird, and there's a lump the size of an egg in there.  argh!

i'm just as big a bundle of nerves as she is, and i don't want to be.  can't help it.  gotta look calm and cool for her for the support and all.  we're getting to use our neighbor's car cuz the hospital is on the other end of town, and she's too nervous for the bus ride.  i don't blame her.  so, one more frickin' thing to get thru.  wish us luck, please! 

[Tee]

  good luck San you'll be in my thoughts.  I hope all goes well. And you're able to stay calm.

[Anjulie]

Good luck from me to. I'm thinking of you 

[Snowdrop]

Good luck to both of you. Thinking of you.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Best wishes to you and your daughter sanmagic, hope it all goes well.

[Not Alone]

Hope your daughter is okay. A trying day for both of you.

[sanmagic7]

tee, anjulie, snowdrop, s&b, and notalone - thank you for your well wishes.  very much appreciated.

we have to go back for one more procedure this morning.  i'm already tired.  she's ok, just has to get an infection drained. 

knowing you all have been with me has helped.  love and hugs all around.   

[Snowdrop]

I hope today goes well, and that it gets rid of the infection. I will bring you virtual cups of teas throughout the day, and sit with you in support. 

[Tee]

  glad that it's getting taken care of.  Hope today goes well and is the last time she has to be seen for this.  Sending love.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop and tee, thank you, as always.

everything's finally finished, and we're both drained, but she's all good - just antibiotics now.  thanks for all your kind thoughts and well wishes and the love and tea and company!

[Hope67]

HI SanMagic,
I am a bit late to wish you and your daughter well here, but I wanted to send you both a hug, if that's ok.      Glad to hear she's doing ok, and hope the antibiotics help too.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, dear hope.  hugs are always welcome.  hopefully, she's on the mend now and we can put that past us. 

i found out something interesting the other day from a show i was watching.  anger plus disgust equals hate.  i already knew that anger plus shame equals rage - i discovered this a few years ago, it explains my ex's rage.  i believe he is so very mad at his mother, but was ashamed of being angry (she was always the sweet woman who put up with an abusive husband kind of thing) so he never even admitted it, and altho he's been in therapy forever, he's lied his way thru, and never got into mommy issues.  it would also explain the misogyny.

but this hate thing had a real impact on me when i heard it.  again, it made sense to me.  my ex disgusts me, something i've never felt about anyone.  not that i don't think other people are disgusting for one reason or another, but that was always distant, and i never internalized it.  so, coupled w/ my anger toward him, it now makes sense to me how i could feel this terrible hatred toward him, something that's been completely foreign to me all my life.  click - another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

i'm still drained today, but i wanted to write that out here.  it feels good to get it out of me.  the hatred isn't as volatile as it once was, something i'm glad about, but it's more in the background now.  i was glad to hear some kind of explanation that made sense to me, tho.  whew!

i'm setting my sights again on next week, see if i can tackle another chunk of my childhood.  this weekend i'm taking it easy. 

[Snowdrop]

I didn't know that about hate. That's really interesting.

I hope you get a good rest after the past few days.