ch. 6 - beyond the past

[Tee]

  I think sometimes we have an inner drive to do things like we have always done. And sometimes things change and evolve and we need to sit back without guilt or harsh judgment on ourselves to see if we need a to take a breath or change.  You have done so much work lately.  Maybe you just need sometime to breathe. Sending a big hug

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for your responses.

bb, i guess i can't always see for myself what i'm able to see for others.  kind of a 'doctor, heal thyself' thing.  even as a t, i can't do therapy on myself, as far as being able to see a whole picture, what something means to me, a surety of guiding myself as to where to go next, what direction to follow, etc.  i'm not perfect, especially at being able to recognize what's going on w/ me and why when i'm in the middle of it.  i sometimes have that expectation of myself, too, which is also pressuring. 

quite honestly, your response was a bit triggering as far as that kind of expectation.  it rattled me.  i wasn't allowed to be average, was always held to a 'more than that' bar, and i did my best to live up to it.  but i can't do it all, not even in this area, which is why i write here to try to figure things out or get help with that.  sorry if i confused you, and i hope that clarifies it somewhat.   i'm feeling very sad right now cuz i'm really just another bird on the wire, and it's been difficult to accept that.

jazzy, it is difficult to relax, even take time off, but most of these things i'm doing seem like what others would do to relax, yet they had this pressure thing attached.  since i don't have much experience w/ an ICr, i was wondering if that feeling of pressure was, indeed, ICr stuff.  i don't even know if i recognize what an ICr is all about.  is that leftover messages from when we were kids?  i've  rarely, until i got on the forum for a couple years, even felt anything like guilt, shame, stuff like that.  i don't remember ever having feelings or thoughts of self-loathing - all that stuff was not allowed for me, or i would never have survived, i don't think.  i made excuses for myself like i did for others, let myself off the hook, and that felt natural and easy. 

anyway, that's where i got messed up with this - most of these things i'm doing, in between naps, games, and tv, 'should' be like hobbies, to take care of me, make me feel better, enjoy something less cerebral, so i got confused by all this pressure i'm feeling.  like, tomorrow is my birthday, and my d wants to take me to this restaurant in town i'd like to try, and i'm feeling pressure about that!  it's like i have to shower, dress differently, do makeup and hair - all things i want to do - but i feel pressure to perform.  it's not like i haven't gone out w/o all that stuff, but i also want to show my d that i'm enjoying the specialness of what she;'s doing for me.  it's just confusing to me, and i've spent so much of my life confused, and i hate it.  and now i want to cry again.

tee, do you think that inner drive is natural, tho?  i know i have an age thing going on - i'll be 72 tomorrow - so sometimes i do feel like i've got a second chance after being so sick for so long and i want to make the most of the time i have while i'm feeling better, and cuz i'm on the slide downwards age-wise.  maybe there are too many factors playing into this, and it'll help to sort thru them.  my d has told me to do things cuz i want to, not cuz i'm thinking i don't have much time left.  i think that's a good idea, but this pressure thing gets in the way, and it's so big and solid i don't really know how to move it.

so, here i am again.           

[MoonBeam]

Hi San, I understand the pressure you feel to do all the things, whether it's 20 things in a day or 2. And if I don't accomplish them, I feel like I've failed and that feeling something bad will happen, phew, it's a tough one and it's always right there at the edge of it--linked to the need to keep moving, keep doing, like if I can just stay ahead of it, I will have somehow maintained control. It's hard to be relaxed when we don't ever really feel like we can let our guard down--I think it's a kind of hyper-vigilance. Not sure if that is related to what you are feeling, but it came to me when reading your words.

I'm a knitter too, though I haven't picked it up in the last few years. I always found knitting to be a comfort and comfort feels like a kind of self-care to me. I wonder if you might shift the goals you set, to allow room for a little more ease, a little more space in the task. For example, maybe the goal becomes one square a night and the other square time is you lovingly massaging your hands with some nicely scented oil that you enjoy. Both activities of self care and both equally important. The end result is progress on the project and deep care for you. And hopefully pain-free knitting! Historically, St John's Wart oil has been known to ease joint pain. You could mix that with a carrier oil (like almond or something) and an essential oil scent you find comforting.

I'm also thinking about the concept of the journey vs the destination, though I don't have a quote or eloquent thought to match. I just find that when I focus solely on the destination or end result, I often miss some important moments, lessons or experiences on the way.

I'm really glad you shared. I always learn so much from you and appreciate you dearly. 

[MoonBeam]

Hi again. Crossing posts. I hit send and then saw your update. I feel your pain San, and I'm standing with you. I wanted to tell a story--When my younger son was still an infant, I went to see a speaker talking about, well lots of things, but one thing they spent a long time on was creating a feeling of peace within. This was during a time I was in complete denial of my past still and considered myself "normal" and at least super functional. We sat and she talked about allowing the sensation of peace to enter our consciousness, like it was a thing we all had within us and knew how to do. I had no clue what peace was supposed to feel like. I had literally never experienced it. (I think I understand the concept now, but still not there yet). Needless to say, I left the group feeling like there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't experience or even grasp the concept of peace. There was something wrong, complex trauma and now I know this and it makes sense to me.

San, there are days now I literally can't get out of bed, not one thing gets done, I cancel everything. I used to show up anyway when I felt like that and I always felt like I was going to break. I agree with others that you have been digging into some incredibly deep work and you perhaps are needing some time to grow into the new awarenesses you are tapping into, this amazing new stretch of healing you have opened the door to. Your light gets brighter not dimmer, as you walk through this, even when its not pretty. San, you have a beautiful light within you.

Happy birthday tomorrow! Since its your birthday, I think you get to choose the way you celebrate guilt-free and if that means sweat pants and take-out, with extra ice cream and binge watching Netflix, so be it. You and your d can hit that restaurant when you are feeling up to it. Really make a night of it! Fancy clothes and all. It doesn't have to be tomorrow.

[sanmagic7]

mb, i can't express how comforting all your words were as i read them.  i want to let them sink in and just be within me.  so much of what you said has been my experience, too - it was like i was writing it.  thank you so.

i also had a conversation w/ my d yesterday about her sister, with whom we are both nc. she's d1.  it came from their father - i heard my d talking to him, knew it was him, which always upsets me just in itself.  he called to pass along info from d1 to her - 4 points, actually.  one was pretty standard, about her being very ill and d2 not being there for her (d1 has been ill w/ strange and not so strange conditions since she was about 14), and the guilt trips have accompanied them, even when we were most definitely there for her, running our butts off to accommodate and take care of her.  it was never enough, never the right thing to do no matter what we did.

but, that's old news.  one of the new ones was that she accused their father of being a catalyst in this estrangement between them because he didn't intervene.  my face immediately became tight, and my d noticed it.  i just said, 'yeah, i know that one', but it was in reference to the fact that all my life w/ her, he never stepped in, never took my side, never said a word to her about how she'd been treating me.  so, it was a big trigger for me personally, as well as the fact that she'd accused him of the same thing w/ her and her sister.

she knows - that also ran thru my mind.  he's already told us all that he checked out of any and all of our family dynamics, especially the neg. stuff, but doing just enough pos. that he kept everyone fooled.  but, she knows, she told him, and she told him to pass it along to d2.  our fam is so fractured, so messed up, it will never be put back together in any semblance of okayness.  still, the entire conversation ended up triggering me on several different levels.  last nite, watching tv till the wee hours, tears ran down my face for how horribly wrong it's all gone, and for d1, who has suffered so much, even if a lot of it is of her own doing.

i just kept saying over and over 'i'm sorry'.  and, here come the tears again.  no wonder i have a hard time feeling any joy for this birthday.  it also triggered me for the fact that so many birthdays have had neg. connotations around them because of the unwholesome dynamics and antics of d1 over the years.  too many of them got spoiled, to the point that one year i decided to change my birthday to july 29, some random date, cuz i felt like my real birthday was cursed.  so, yeah, on retrospect, maybe that's part of why i'm feeling so down about this one.  i mentioned it to my d last nite, she kind of brushed it away, like i was making too big a deal of it, so i became quiet.  maybe i'm selfish, but the timing couldn't be more spot on.  and, he delivered this message yesterday, knowing about the whole birthday thing.  i've gotten really paranoid, i think.  conspiracy crapola.  i hate this.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry, San. A hug if that helps.

[sanmagic7]

more than you know, snowdrop.  thank you.

[Tee]

  hugs San understanding hugs yesterday just stunk for dealing with eldest children I guess.  Don't let it ruin your birthday. You deserve to be celebrated and enjoyed.    send a shoulder to cry on if you need that, hug full of understanding that we can't change the past or the children who break our hearts.

[sanmagic7]

i'll take that shoulder to cry on, tee, and welcome it.  and, please allow me to offer one back to you.  kids can really suck!  thank you so.   

[Jazzy]

Sorry you are being put through this, especially on your birthday, and especially this is a recurring thing around birthday time. I guess you can't change the way they act, but you can take some time to make it special for you on your birthday. Whatever it is you would like, or would make you feel happy or relaxed.

I had an idea when I read some of the things you wrote, hopefully it will help. You said that you hadn't dealt with ICr much, the shame and guilt etc by just letting yourself off the hook. In my experience, things like that don't just go away when we try to block them out. Maybe your ICr has taken the form of this pressure you feel about yourself, because that's the way it has been allowed to be expressed. Maybe I am totally wrong, but I thought I should share that thought with you in hope it may lead to some relief.

So, despite everything going on, have a happy birthday! ... and if that's not possible, maybe just have a moment for yourself on your birthday. 

Take care sanmagic!

[MoonBeam]

San, you are not paranoid. There is no coincidence in the timing of d1's message through your ex. It was manipulative and unkind of both of them and sounds like the latest of a long line of mistreatment and abusive highjacking, particularly of your birthday. A day that is about celebrating you. All the parts about that conversation and the pushing in at a totally inappropriate time, in a totally inappropriate way, says to me things have not changed for them. Yeah, I'd be super triggered too.

It sounds like you are mourning San. Another layer has peeled away and you are feeling the pain and loss of that relationship and all that you went through with d1 with deeper understanding. All the hard work you have been doing has made room for greater healing and part of that is the pain of letting go. I also wonder if d2's reaction to your thoughts regarding d1 and your birthday and the whole conversation with her f  triggered some of her own feelings about their relationship. She may be feeling feelings around it too, that she isn't quite ready to share. I don't think this means you can't be open and honest about your feelings. It's hard to navigate when our children are adults. I find I don't share much with my 20yo because I still want to protect him. From what? I'm not really sure.

You are right. We can't go back and some relationships may never find repair. What we can do is be compassionate, kind and patient with ourselves, take each new day as an opportunity to grow--whatever that may look like (being a hot mess or killing the 100yd dash) and create a life that we need and deserve with loving people in it, walking beside us. In this way, as an example, we can invite healing for those around us--whether they choose to heal or not is up to them. It is a  beautiful thing that you and d2 have such a sweet relationship, that you can forge ahead together. I'm glad she is there with you.

San, you are doing amazing work. Allowing your feelings, the tears to flow, well, it feels awful in the moment, but is such a sign of growth and strength. You are so brave and strong. I hope you can allow the tears to come with compassion for you, and let the feelings out, making room for even greater healing.  I'm holding you in my heart. Hang in. we're here for you with all of the compassion and love you deserve.

[Not Alone]

You are going through so much pain. My heart goes out to you. 

[Blueberry]

bb, i guess i can't always see for myself what i'm able to see for others.  kind of a 'doctor, heal thyself' thing.  even as a t, i can't do therapy on myself, as far as being able to see a whole picture, what something means to me, a surety of guiding myself as to where to go next, what direction to follow, etc.  i'm not perfect, especially at being able to recognize what's going on w/ me and why when i'm in the middle of it.  i sometimes have that expectation of myself, too, which is also pressuring. 

quite honestly, your response was a bit triggering as far as that kind of expectation.  it rattled me.  i wasn't allowed to be average, was always held to a 'more than that' bar, and i did my best to live up to it.  but i can't do it all, not even in this area, which is why i write here to try to figure things out or get help with that.  sorry if i confused you, and i hope that clarifies it somewhat.   i'm feeling very sad right now cuz i'm really just another bird on the wire, and it's been difficult to accept that.

dear san, I'm so sorry for triggering you and making it seem like I was expecting you to be better at self-diagnosis than everybody else on here. I don't know what else to say except my Deep Apologies and I'll try to think a bit more before I write next time.   

[Blueberry]

San, you are not paranoid. There is no coincidence in the timing of d1's message through your ex. It was manipulative and unkind of both of them and sounds like the latest of a long line of mistreatment and abusive highjacking, particularly of your birthday. A day that is about celebrating you. All the parts about that conversation and the pushing in at a totally inappropriate time, in a totally inappropriate way, says to me things have not changed for them. Yeah, I'd be super triggered too.

It sounds like you are mourning San. Another layer has peeled away and you are feeling the pain and loss of that relationship and all that you went through with d1 with deeper understanding. All the hard work you have been doing has made room for greater healing and part of that is the pain of letting go. 

You are right. We can't go back and some relationships may never find repair. What we can do is be compassionate, kind and patient with ourselves, take each new day as an opportunity to grow-

San, you are doing amazing work. Allowing your feelings, the tears to flow, well, it feels awful in the moment, but is such a sign of growth and strength. You are so brave and strong. I hope you can allow the tears to come with compassion for you, and let the feelings out, making room for even greater healing. 

So glad other mbrs have better words than I do a lot of the time. Sending 

[Sceal]

Darling San!
I don't know what words I could say that would make you feel better. The hurt you are feeling is understandable. You are entitled to your feelings. To your grief and sadness over this.
Being robbed from having a good birthday is no fun. Year after year after year. And being robbed from a healthy and positive contact with your D1. I cannot imagine what pain that must be like, even if she is a narcessist.. it must hurt so much.

We're here for you. Sending you hugs, and loads of caring.