Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 15th July 2019

It's good to start a new Journal, and it feels good to be starting this one.  I am hoping to continue my journey alongside C-PTSD, and in particular I want to continue to befriend my parts.  I am getting to know different parts of myself, and recognising that they are all there, and each have played significant roles in my life at different stages. 

Even as I write this, I know there are some parts that are less comfortable about me sharing things, but thankfully there I know that I am gaining support and valuable help from being able to write things, and to know that people here understand. 

I value contributions from others - so please know that I would value any comments on anything here, because I have often learned something, or felt that a reply has been so helpful, and I value that.  Thank you so much to people who have commented in my previous Journals. 

What I would like to be, is to be braver, as there are some things that I want to say, but haven't been able to communicate yet.  I still get pulled and pushed by parts of me, and I know I need to tread carefully to try to ensure that I don't over-step the boundaries that some of my parts fear to encroach.

I stepped away from the self-help stuff for a while, but I feel like it's time to get back to some reading and hopefully do some experiential things to help me move forwards.  I'm not sure yet what I'm going to focus on, but I will keep an open mind and see what I'm drawn to.

One thing I am keen to do, is to try to re-write my time lines, as I know that I have very fragmented memories and I have been realising that the order of things is mixed up - so I am hoping to just take another look - after not doing that for a long while, and see what sense I can make of it. 

I feel stronger inside myself than I felt before.  I hope that this feeling will last and that I can use it to move forwards.  I had felt so vulnerable and very fragile before, so this strength feels a bit alien, but it is definitely there.  I am grateful for this feeling. 

I'll stop writing now, but it feels good to have started this new Journal. 

Hope 

[Tee]

  yeah for strength. Good luck on your new journey to piece your time line together. Make sure you give yourself time and grace that is a feat I don't envy.  I'm not sure I could do that for ask of my early trauma, not that I would want to trudge through it.  Love and peace to all your parts as you start this journey!

[sanmagic7]

congrats on a new journal, hope!   

i just started a new one today as welll and it feels like a fresh start, rather than a continuation of what i had been experiencing.  this is the 6th new journal for me, tho, so that may be the reason why.

i commend your efforts at recognizing your parts, how they've shaped the person you are, their contributions, etc.  while i don't have the same clarity for that as you do, i think it could be very constructive as a means to recovery.  whoa - i think something just got triggered in a good way, so i thank you for writing about this.  please tell your parts that they've helped me move a step forward.  it's pretty cool - i just realized a storyteller part. 

that's interesting to me because my stories about my life and circumstances have definitely helped me keep my sanity.  so very glad you mentioned this.  i'm looking forward to recognizing more now.  this will be a part of my new journal.

and, that's how this works - sharing with each other, even when scary, can be so very helpful to the rest of us.  i appreciate the risk taken to write about your journey.  love and hugs, hope , to you and your parts.   

[MoonBeam]

...and, that's how this works - sharing with each other, even when scary, can be so very helpful to the rest of us.  i appreciate the risk taken to write about your journey.  love and hugs, hope , to you and your parts.   

Agreed! Thank you Hope, for so much love and support and for sharing your journey here. You are such an inspiration to me as well.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Hope,
For what it's worth, I think you are very brave.  The way you continue to delve and investigate your past and try to find the order of those puzzle pieces is amazing to me.  You are amazing and I'm grateful for you on the forum all the time 

[Hope67]

Hi Tee - thank you so much for your encouragement and support, it means a lot.  I know what you mean about trudging through some of the past, and I have no doubt that it will be challenging for me, but I have started the process and I do want to continue with it.  It's like I feel compelled to at some levels, but I am pacing myself and giving myself good grace - thank you so much for your consideration of these things, as it helps a lot.    to you.

Hi SanMagic - it is great that you have started a new Journal too - I noticed that you had written different Journals over time, when I first joined here, and I thought what a great idea, although at the time I never thought I'd manage to write much, and in the end I'm on my 3rd Journal now.  That is amazing to think of that.  I was so scared to write anything at all when I first joined.  I read for ages before gaining courage to write anything.  But people were so kind and welcoming, and made me feel comfortable - and thank you so much for everything you'd done in that respect, as you've been a constant support throughout.   

Hi MoonBeam - You inspire me as well - and thank you for saying what you said - it means a lot.   

Hi Deep Blue - I appreciate you calling me brave, thank you    I would like to reflect back your kind words - because I think that you are amazing and I am grateful for you on the forum all the time as well.   

*************
Journal Entry on 16th July 2019
I spent about half an hour today doing some sorting out of my wardrobe.  It's something I've done before - trying to sort out what to keep and what to recycle and what to throw away.  I managed to bag up some clothes for re-cycling.  But I couldn't get rid of my NM's skirt - even though I tried!  My partner was around, and I told him that I couldn't put it in the re-cycle bag.  He said 'Yes, you can!' and for a moment, I felt elated - as if I could do it, but then I ended up putting it back in the wardrobe again.  He said to me "Maybe you're just not ready yet to do it" - and I agreed.  But it annoys me that I can't just get that skirt out of my life.  I tried to think about the reasons I feel as I do, and it's because there are parts of me that feel extremely frightened that my NM will find out, and she'll be really angry with me.  So it's a younger part of me that is very scared and wants to keep the skirt, just incase.

There's another part of me that feels 'bad' for wanting to throw the skirt away - because I think that part of me thinks that NM isn't 'that bad' - but even as I say that - several other parts almost shout at me 'Yes, she is!  She IS that bad"  - Not only is she bad, she's worse than bad.

I do feel lighter though, for having sorted out a few things and deciding what to keep and what to give away.  Things are a bit tidier as well, so that is good.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  for doing some sorting out and throwing out   I know it's something you aim to do some of the time. I really understand you not being able to throw NM's skirt out yet. My ICs have conflicting views on that kind of thing too.

Once in the past I decided "I can finally throw out xy" and then found I'd already got rid of whatever it was but up until that point I hadn't really unburdened myself from the emotions surrounding that particular thing. That taught me not to hound myself about throwing things out, to forgive myself for keeping things a while longer.

[sanmagic7]

i'm with blueberry on not hounding yourself about not throwing something away.  there are a couple things of my nc D's that i still have, even tho i'll never wear them.  for me, it's a connection to the 'good and generous' part of her that was there at one time.  that's a 'mom' thing, tho,  i have nothing of my own mother's, so i don't know how that would feel.

it does feel good to sort and toss the unwanted, tho, so congrats on that.     i love how your littles let you know exactly what's going on, how you can hear them so clearly.  that's amazing to me.

keep taking care of you, hope.  sending love and a clutter-free hug!   

[Tee]

Congrats Hope you'll be able to rid yourself off the things you need to when you it's time.  I actually ripped a shirt to shreds and put it into a fire pit and watched it burn once to get rid of a shirt.  The shirt was connected to a traumatic event and I got to a point that I needed it gone.

When you get there till get rid of the skirt and all your parts will be fine.  A gentle hug.

[Hope67]

Thank you Blueberry, SanMagic & Tee.   
Hope 

[Hope67]

19th July 2019
Just catching a few moments to write my feelings out, because I feel quite over-whelmed by all the activity going on - my parts seem to be quite discombobulated, that's the word that seems to make sense, it's like they are restless and at odds with each other.  My partner is playing some music from my past, which is making me feel unsettled, but I enjoy that music at the same time, and it's ok.  But I think that music can be so evocative and powerful, and I guess it means I can't really control the impact on myself and my parts.

So just want to write a few things here - I don't have too long, but hopefully long enough to get my feelings out somewhere safe.

I got through the week, and it was ok.  I am relieved it's the weekend, and I have made some social plans for tomorrow, and infact it is something that when I did the same thing previously it was very stressful indeed, but I am trying to tell myself that this time, it will be better.  That I'm in a different frame of mind, and I can cope better this time.  But of course, I won't know if this is true until I have gone through the event, and see how it goes.  I am nervous about it, and I guess it's upset my littles, who are probably not wishing to attend at all.

But I will go, and I will see how it goes.

The part of me that tends to rub things out has been at work on some of my memories from the past - basically things that normally I would remember very well have somehow disappeared!   It's as if that part of me is concerned that I shouldn't remember things, and that makes me think that I can't trust my memory for the past at all.   

I struggled at work today as there were a few things that I was trying to do, and I realised I was in an EF, and my brain was freezing.  Luckily I managed to appear as if I was ok, because I don't think the other person realised what was going on for me.  I was also quite assertive in my reactions to her - as she had been making some strange mistakes, and I was trying to point them out to her in a polite way.  Because they really mattered and would make a difference to what we were trying to do.  Maybe that was stressing me, and that was why I froze and felt so awkward.

At least I'm through that situation now. 

I really would like to take stock of things and stand back from everything, but somehow I'm not feeling there's the opportunity or time to do that.  I feel a bit frenzied and rushed with too many deadlines to meet.  I am tempted to work on the weekend on some things that I need to do for next week, but I know I have things I need to do at home.

I've been beginning to look at other options - regarding how I spend my worktime, because I have some ideas of what I'd like to do in the future. (I just wrote more, but decided to erase it, because I feel bad about talking about work - this relates to previous situations that cause me stress, so I rarely talk about them).

Anyway, I feel better for writing some things here.  It's like writing about them eases the mind a bit.  Or maybe my littles have grown bored of what I'm writing and they've gone off to do something else.  I'm beginning to think that they do their own thing, and pop up when I least expect them sometimes, and then when I tried to do a Meditation circle yesterday - they were nowhere to be seen.  I'll try another one on the weekend sometime, once I get through the social thing tomorrow. 

Hope 

[Tee]

Good luck tomorrow hope!  I'm glad you were able to write things out and calm your littles. try and have some fun.

[sunflower38]

I'm really cheering for you, Hope!  I wish you the best of luck this weekend with however it turns out. A meditation circle sounds like a great idea

[Three Roses]

Cheering you on, Hope! 

[sanmagic7]

wishing you a good weekend, hope.

i'm glad you were able to write so much down, and that it helped settle you somewhat.  love and hugs, sweetie.