Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Thanks SaB 
Hope 

[Hope67]

I felt awful for a while - later on today - it was like I had done something really wrong, and over-stepped lots of things, and I felt awful.  I wanted to comfort eat, and I had an over-whelming feeling inside, but I just couldn't relate to what would make me feel better.  But I am thankful that I do feel better now - calmer again, so I am thankful for that.

I'm going to try to be very careful this week, and not overdo things. 

There are things coming to the surface of my mind currently and I have a headache too. 

But I am ok.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you feel better, Hope. I can imagine that the conference sessions have stirred things up. Taking care of yourself sounds like a very good idea.

[MoonBeam]

Hello Dear Hope.  It sounds like you have been looking at so much, rediscovering, relearning, learning anew... So many insights and such brave journeying and really allowing yourself to feel all the feels through it all.

I'm thinking of you. Hang in and be gentle with yourself right? It's a lot and you are doing amazing work.

Sending a  if that feels ok.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop - thank you.   
Hi MoonBeam - thank you.   

Snowdrop & MoonBeam - you are both very kind, and I appreciate your replies very much.   

*********
24th September 2019
I had been reading something that SaB had written in another part of the forum, about using the forum and frequency and what it means etc, and it was very thought-provoking for me, but at the time I read it, I couldn't think of what to say about my own thoughts on it.  But things that SaB wrote, resonated with me, and things that other people said in reply to SaB also resonated.   I just wanted to mention a few things, whilst they are in my mind, and put them in my own Journal, because I feel a bit embarrassed about the content in some ways, and not brave enough to put it in the post that SaB had started.  (Sorry for mentioning your name so much SaB - but I value what you write and found it very helpful to read what you wrote).

I found it very difficult at first to ever write anything in this place, it took me several weeks and maybe even some months before I felt brave enough to write, and when I first wrote, I felt very unsure.  However, over time, I realise I have come here very frequently - and just lately I am coming here quite a lot - i.e. sometimes several times in a day or an evening - even though I don't always write anything - I read things.  I felt like maybe I was getting too attached - but I think it's because it is the place where I feel accepted and valued and where I feel as if I am making progress with understanding complex PTSD and all the things that come with that.

Sometimes I've taken a break from it - and did that a few times, and then I'd take a break from other media things too - literally trying to break the connection with technology and time online etc.  That has been good for me too, and I will still do that sometimes, but right at this time, I feel the need to come here more. 

I think it's because more feelings are surfacing and I'm feeling more things, and I feel more vulnerable as a result of that, and I need to come here.

So I feel more needy- and that scares me, as I like to be in control of things and feel like I don't need anyone.  But I know that's not a human thing, that's a protective thing, and now I feel like I'm just splurging out my stuff today - but it's good to get it out, and I know that all my explorations into watching more conference material and processing and writing notes, it's affecting so many parts of me, and I hear them reacting in different ways, and I'm attempting to calm them, and sit with them.

Anyway, I've decided that I will do what I need to do, i.e. come here more often, and that it's ok.  I will tell the inner critic parts - who tell me I'm annoying and should be quiet, that I have a right to have a voice, and yes, I've spoken a lot here.  But that's ok.  I really appreciate the people here, each and everyone of the people here have been so kind and accepting and non-judgemental, and that is precious and I feel like people really understand things.

On another topic entirely, I am feeling more shame, because I am no longer doing much voluntary work - and I still carry the fact that I tried to make out that it was paid work and that gave me a sense of pride, so now I've admitted it wasn't paid, I feel shame about that.  But I need to get over that, because basically I don't think anyone would judge me for that.  I judge myself harshly.  I know that.

I feel really distraught inside when I think about how my professional life is over now - I had a really great job, but things happened and now I don't do that job anymore.  But I was proud to do it for so many decades, and I worked full-time during most of that time, and then part-time, and then not at all.  There's part of me that feels a failure that I couldn't keep going, but I just couldn't.  There were traumatic events that happened, and I've not been able to talk about them much - whenever I have broached it or talked about it with people irl, I have got very upset.  So I don't talk about it.

I feel a lot of anguish now - my throat is tight and my eyes are wet, but I am not crying.  My stomach feels tight too.

Yesterday's talk was (TW mentioning sexual trauma) very triggering for me in many ways, but I feel like I was able to cope with watching it and it was helpful.  I got some flashbacks later in the evening, and I also happened to see an article online about a two year old girl who had died, and seeing her - at that age, made me realise that I think I was only about 2 years old when I remember an event with my F that crossed boundaries.  I thought I had been older, but I think I was very young, and I was able to feel some anger about that fact.

Normally I separate mention of sexual stuff into the other part of the forum, but I am just writing it here in my journal today - I wouldn't normally do that, because for some reason I wanted to keep the events compartmentalised and separate, so the fact I'm including this here, it is better I think, as I am perhaps integrating things to accept that I as a person, I was sexually abused, and the perpetrator was my own F.  My M was a bystander, and I think she must have known something, even though I never told her what had happened.  But I feel sure she wouldn't want to hear about that, and would say nothing like that had happened.

I didn't realise I would end up writing this, but I've written it now.  I won't change this entry, as I feel braver to write things now.  To say things.  (end of TW)

There's a lump in my throat now.  I am feeling upset, but I'm ok.

I have a headache, but not sure if that's due to pressure, as it's not great weather.

I'm actually relieved to be feeling things more - so even though it's upsetting, I feel better for feeling them, and for communicating them.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

my dear hope,

your courage is commendable - thank you so much for letting us see your anguish and pain.  if there's anything i could do to help with that, i would.  right now, i can only offer love, acceptance, and support for what you've gone thru and what you're dealing with.

personally, i think taking a break from your recovery work would be a good idea.  i've found that as i've been doing my re-scripting, i've needed a lot more time between sessions than i originally thought i'd need, and i've also had to do it in much smaller chunks than i'd planned.  our minds need time for the processing of this stuff - it's so very intense and dense - and i think it's in our best interest to give them that time.  just my thoughts.

i'm saddened that you're still carrying shame around about your work.  i can relate to having careers that i loved and then not being able to do that anymore.  my first one was as a hairdresser, but i had to stop that because of anxiety.  then, the therapist thing, but i had to stop that because of becoming too ill.  it's a difficult adjustment, especially when it's work you're not only good at but that you enjoy.  just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  it's all part of what we go thru.

luckily, i've found other outlets, such as writing, advocating, interacting w/ other t's about their clients, and even helping w/ my d's books - insight into behaviors, etc.  hopefully, you'll be able to do something similar.  it's difficult to have to step away from something fulfilling because of something that's not our fault.  and, just so you know, i think you lied about being paid for your work as a protective thing - you weren't ready to face it in yourself, let alone w/ others.  but, the fact that you were able to say it was a lie is a sign of growth and progress, to my mind.  we've all done things that weren't the healthiest, but it's what we do afterwards that counts for much more, i think.

so bravo to you  sweetie, for being able to stand up and speak your truth.  it shows how far you've come.  sending love and a hug filled with bright.   

[Blueberry]

Hope, I've been off the forum for 2 days and have just scanned your post now. Can't write much but just want to say you're so brave and I want to send you a hug 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & Blueberry,
Thank you both so much, I appreciate both your replies.  I was feeling quite vulnerable this morning, when I wrote what I wrote. 
Weirdly, I feel completely different now it's early evening, it's like a more confident part of myself has taken me under her wing, and is making me feel much better in myself.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I actually feel very good right now.  It is quite a contrast.  I know I'm the same person, but right now, I feel like another part of me has taken the wheel and is driving my bus - if that makes sense.

SanMagic - I read your reply to me earlier in the day, and at that time, it was like a part of me really felt your connection and your empathy with me, and it touched my heart, and part of me wailed, but it was in a very comforted way, as if someone understands.  I appreciated what you wrote about your work, and how you've changed careers and coped, and found things that you can do, and that has helped me feel more sense of hope.  At the same time, I thought to myself that actually, although I had done a career that was successful, I'm not sure if I found it enjoyable, it was actually something I did that was stressful plus plus, and no day went by when I felt comfortable or confident, so that's interesting, and I wonder why I did it for so many years, but it was like I felt I wanted to do it, and it was part of me to do it. 

to you SanMagic.

Blueberry - thank you so much for the hug, I appreciate it very much.     Thank you for scanning my post just now, and thank you for saying I am brave.

**********
I realise I might have appeared flippant to say I'm feeling confident and better just now, I have a feeling it's because I do have a protector part that is confident and is helping me currently - at this moment.  Other parts of me have been very upset, and I think they've gone and left me with this more confident part just now.  It makes sense they'd do that, because SanMagic suggested that maybe I should take a break from my recovery work, and so maybe they are somewhere just now and they are taking that break.

But I wanted to share my notes from today's Conference session that I heard, because I think I can cope with taking the notes, and sharing them, and I think I can also continue with watching the remaining talks - because it's one a day, and I'm not actually doing any experiential work, and so therefore, although it's triggering, I want to continue.

Apparently the Conference organiser is going to re-play the talk by Dr Richard Schartz on IFS and Trauma, because there had apparently been some technical issues when they first played it on Saturday, and so it will be re-played tomorrow - I will put a note in the section in the forum about it, so maybe Blueberry, and Kizzie will spot that, as I know they had missed it and wanted to see it.  I think it's a brilliant talk, he is very good.  I really like him.

I'm going to write up my notes from today in a minute, although it was harder to comprehend the talk today - but I have got the gist of it now - and hope the notes might make some sense - they will make more sense to people who have already had experience of Brainspotting - I think it sounds like a powerful therapeutic approach.

Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Dear Hope, I just want to say thank you for addressing my post here, and thank you for being so brave to write and share with honesty.

I also find myself in different minds about posting, sometimes after, sometimes before. I think the work you are doing is amazing and I also want to send you all the support I can, I hope that you feel it 

About shame, briefly, it is something I have felt a lot and even about giving up a hobby I enjoy. It's something we have to process in the recovery journey, I guess, sadly, and this is something I know is hard 

[Hope67]

Thank you Dear SaB, I do feel it, and appreciate your hug, and your empathy too.   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

so the fact I'm including this here, it is better I think, as I am perhaps integrating things to accept that I as a person, I was sexually abused, and the perpetrator was my own F.  My M was a bystander, and I think she must have known something, even though I never told her what had happened.  But I feel sure she wouldn't want to hear about that, and would say nothing like that had happened.

I hear you. I believe you. It was not your fault.
Sending you care. 

[Jazzy]

Hope, it is great to see how much you have improved. It really says a lot that you still come and share when you are feeling vulnerable, like this morning. I hope you take some time to feel proud of that. I'm glad you're feeling better this evening, and I wish you peace as you continue your healing journey.

I can also relate to losing a career, and lying about doing paid work. Its a really big lifestyle change, and difficult to come to terms with. I'm not really sure how to get over that, but I hope you find a way to work through it, so it doesn't bother you any more.

Take care Hope!

[Hope67]

Dear Notalone - thank you so much.  I read what you wrote yesterday, and it had a very emotional effect on parts of me, but I really felt validated by your words.  Thank you.   
Dear Jazzy - Thank you for what you said here, and for relating to losing a career and the lifestyle change aspect, and I do hope that one day, that won't bother me so much.  Thank you for wishing me peace whilst continuing the healing journey, that sounds lovely too - I appreciate what you said.   

**********
25th September 2019
I'm going to write up my notes from the Conference in a bit, but I wanted to just comment before I do that I actually found it harder to stay present whilst listening to the conference speaker, and that I think it was because she was talking about teens and children, and because some of my younger selves did actually pay attention to her, and it meant I ended up literally dissociating and entering into memories from earlier times, and then before I knew it, I was actually crying whilst trying to keep going with the notes, so it means that I may have missed things - and I didn't really want to repeat the talk - even though I felt it was good to listen to her, I think it shocked me to see the actual children as well, and realise how young they were - she used actual footage.  I think it hit a grief button for me, and also I could tell that doing sensorimotor work would be very powerful and experiential,  and that maybe I am afraid of that a little, as I'm used to being in the neocortex parts of my brain and not looking at the emotional meaning in my subcortex.  But I know that's where the key lies, and I do want to do that kind of work. 

So it's raised quite a few things for me, and I am grateful for realising more insights as I learn more, and I do feel it's helping - but I'm also aware that at points today I also felt a huge rush of anger - literally felt very angry. 

Right now, as I write this, I feel calm, I'm just reflecting on the day.

I have had difficult things to cope with today - I had an appointment with a nurse, for something that wouldn't bother most people, but for me I am phobic about seeing a nurse, and it is very difficult for me to cope with that situation.  I was able to mention something to her (unrelated to why I'd gone to see her) that was worrying me a bit, and she wants me to see a doctor - but I've not yet met my new doctor, as I've moved practices, as my old doctor has left due to retiring and I am phobic about meeting the new one.  Anyway, she didn't reassure me, which is what I'd hoped she'd do, she wanted me to see the doctor.  I am not sure I want to do that, so I am going to try to find out more online about the thing that's concerning me.  Then I will decide whether I'll go to see the doctor or not. 

I don't know what the anger feeling was related to, but it's like there's a part of me that is raging and angry just now - and flashes this at me during the day, but maybe that's because I'm doing a lot of things that parts of me don't like - and so there is resistance there.  I don't know.

I'll go and do the notes now, as I want to share them. 
Hope 

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry your appointment didn't go as well as you were hoping. I think the "you should see a doctor" response is the proper one though. Nurses are supposed to be helping with something particular, not diagnosing other things. That's probably not what you want to hear, but hopefully it helps calm the nerves at least a bit.

I also hope you get a chance to get to know your new doctor and have some peace with that situation too. I think its really important to be able to trust your doctor, and be open and honest with them. I know its really tough, but they are there to help.

Take care Hope!

[woodsgnome]

Hope, the anxieties you experienced listening to some of the program's speakers is very understandable. I've done exactly that so many times -- wanted to, tried to concentrate and learn, and then -- I almost space out, starting with dissociation and yes, ending up a bit on the angry side.

We all seem to have our points of overwhelm. Nothing wrong, it's part of the process. Still sad, though; because it doesn't lessen the feelings that wash back in so easily. It's more than frustrating -- trying, wanting to get past and then tripping over all the memories.

So I just wanted to offer these couple of thoughts. Mostly I just wanted to share that it's inspiring to see how you can boost yourself back again; to where the grace of healing can start to chip away some of the overwhelm.