Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Not Alone]

  Or maybe my littles have grown bored of what I'm writing and they've gone off to do something else.  I'm beginning to think that they do their own thing, and pop up when I least expect them sometimes, and then when I tried to do a Meditation circle yesterday - they were nowhere to be seen.
Hope 

This made me smile. My Littles get bored sometimes too. When I bring them to church, they usually enjoy the music, but don't like to listen to the message!

[Hope67]

Hi Tee, sunflower38, Three Roses, SanMagic & notalone,
Thank you all so much.   

************
Journal Entry on 24th July 2019
I wanted to come back here a few times in the last few days, but somehow I couldn't get the chance, and when the opportunity arose, I couldn't write anything.  I think it's because I am feeling a bit over-whelmed, and the heat is affecting me so much too.  I'm not sleeping that well and then I'm struggling with my work, because I'm not sure if it's what I want to do anymore - to be honest it wasn't what I wanted to do in the first place, but it was something I could do.  It's not fulfilling me, and  I am considering leaving and working my notice and then having a break to decide what to do.  But I don't know if it's a good idea or not financially.  A lot to think about, and I wish that the weather could be cooler so I could function better.  I have a short week this week, as I am off on Friday - so a long weekend lies ahead.  Maybe I'll feel differently on Monday, but if I feel the same way, then I think I will try to meet my boss to discuss things.


I managed to cope with last weekend, and it went better than I thought it would.  I was pleased, but it was very tiring, and I was exhausted afterwards.  But it was ok, and that's good.

I've been looking up online the events that occur in each year - and looking through the 1970's and 1980's year by year - and it has been triggering different memories and making me realise that things that I had associated with particular feelings and ages, were actually not in the places/ages I thought they had been.  It's been helpful.  I don't know why I didn't think to do it before, but maybe that was due to resistance from my parts.

The other thing I did the other evening was to read the first of my Journals - here in this forum, and I found that very interesting to see all the things I'd written there.  I didn't manage to finish reading it, as it was so long!  I couldn't believe that I'd written things there, because it felt like I was writing like a 'grown-up' when I feel very far from that a lot of the time. 


So many of you helped me during those earlier years of my being here - back in 2017 - Sceal, Blueberry, SanMagic, and Three Roses - you were the first person to respond to me - thank you so much.  I know I've missed many names off there, but it's very amazing to think about my journey in this forum, and how supported I have felt - and still feel.  I couldn't get this far in my progression without you - that's how I feel.  Thank you to everyone who has ever replied and to all the people who write things here - just reading what people write, it helps so much.


I've been experiencing difficulties with finding my words over the past few days, and I am hoping it's more to do with the heat and maybe having some EF's being triggered - because otherwise I'd be thinking I was suffering from a memory difficulty.  But maybe it's heat related.  I hope that I will get some clarity of thought back, because otherwise I am likely to make mistakes, and I need to stay focused until my long weekend.

Regarding the long weekend, I am looking foward to it.  I don't have any particular plans of what to do yet, and that feels nice in itself.  I have quite a lot of things I need to do at home, but I'd like to try to re-construct a time-line in my trauma journal.  I think it's time to do that again, and I think it would be helpful.


My mind has gone blank now. 

Hope 

[Tee]

Glad your weekend better than expected.  Hope you make it to your long weekend and are able to enjoy.

[Not Alone]

I've been experiencing difficulties with finding my words over the past few days, and I am hoping it's more to do with the heat and maybe having some EF's being triggered - because otherwise I'd be thinking I was suffering from a memory difficulty.  But maybe it's heat related.  I hope that I will get some clarity of thought back, because otherwise I am likely to make mistakes, and I need to stay focused until my long weekend.

I am affected by the heat too, so understand that might be why you are having trouble focusing. You also said you are going through history and that has been triggering. I know from Van der Kolk's book and from experience that being in a triggered state can affect the part of the brain that has language. Another thought: could a really small part be around (pre-language or early language)? Do what you can to stay cool, Hope.

[MoonBeam]

Hello Dear Hope. I wanted to say how brave and committed I see you being in your recovery. How you honoring your different parts of self has inspired me to begin to look at my own different stages and beings, and to try to honor them, as you do yours.  I thank you.

I have been feeling very much the same--having difficulties focusing. "holding the thread" as I call it.  Feeling hardly verbal, much less eloquent. I've been super scattered. Heat I'm sure plays a role. It's a bit of an energy zapper, and for me, I know I have been pretty dissociated the last few weeks--big EF. And that's part of looking at my history, feeling feelings and then needing to float off. One of those brilliant survival strategies that can be so frustrating now that we want to be present.

I could totally see with all of the amazing work you are doing looking at timelines and really wanting to put memories in place and honor those pieces, it would be super reasonable for some parts to want to rest a little, or escape, or hide--whichever that need is for them and to dissociate.

I appreciated what notalone said about the pre-verbal part as well. That seems super insightful. Perhaps there are other ways to include that part, if that is relevant for you, though I have no suggestions to offer on how.

So much respect to you and a gentle  if that's ok.

[Three Roses]

Here's a for you, dear Hope. You are a beautiful human.

[sanmagic7]

 

hope, i remember you struggling w/ the heat last year, and, being from the mex. desert, i suggested drinking electrolytes.  losing them to sweat, etc. can also play tricks w/ our minds and our ability to think and articulate.  so, just a caring reminder.  the heat can be a real gritch, and i hope it eases up soon for your sake.

you bring a smile to my heart, hope.  you keep pushing the envelope, what with exploring the realm of your parts, and now using history as a way to purposely trigger thoughts, feelings, and memories.  much credit to you.  you're fearless, no matter how many times you feel scared.  to continue going out of your way to help yourself heal is that warrior spirit showing itself.  well done!!!   

sending love and  a big hug, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

hope, i remember you struggling w/ the heat last year, and, being from the mex. desert, i suggested drinking electrolytes.  losing them to sweat, etc. can also play tricks w/ our minds and our ability to think and articulate.  so, just a caring reminder.  the heat can be a real gritch, and i hope it eases up soon for your sake.

Hope, I just read this article and it was helpful https://www.bbc.com/news/health-49112807  I'm not worried about the more dire physical problems they mention. It's more the reminder that excessive heat is a strain on the body, especially for those of us in countries where we're not used to it. A combination of things going on (explained in article) leads to lower blood pressure which in turn can lead to fatigue and confusion. So that could make searching for the right words harder, I think.

It certainly affects me that way so you're not alone. I sometimes joke to other people about my beginning Alzheimer's but really my problems with words is cptsd-related, and the heat makes it worse.

I hope it cools off for you soon or that you find a nice cool place where you feel safe.   I guess minus the umbrella would be best 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 30th July 2019
I would like to thank everyone here who has replied since I last wrote - thank you!     I am feeling a bit over-whelmed by the sheer roller-coaster that I feel I've been on this last few days, and I am still on it - so I hope that I'll be able to get some space to properly focus and I want to reply individually to what you each wrote - because I really really am grateful.

I've been over-whelmed by many things this past few days - and I realise I feel quite a lot of feelings, and that I am actually feeling them more - and it's very hard.

I did have a long weekend, but It didn't go as I planned it would go - and honestly I can't believe how bad I've felt at times. 

On a positive note, I have watched a couple of videos that is part of a Healing conference - that Kizzie had linked to - and I think that Blueberry has signed up too.  I really would like to reflect on those - once I get chance - I wish I could find time to do that - I feel like I have no time, but I must have had time to actually watch them.

I feel a great pressure of speech thing going on - and I know that means I'm not very stable in my mood just now.  I am so tired as well.  Mentally drained.  Haven't been sleeping very well this past few nights. 

** Potential trigger warning - mentioning horrible feelings, but nothing graphic***
I have felt as if my FOO have died and that I haven't been there for them, and I feel incredibly powerful 'doom like' feelings - like a real depression melange kind of feeling (using Pete Walker's words there) - and it keeps attacking me like a sheer panic in the middle of the night.  I really don't like it. 

I've not had any night terrors though.  Not to my knowledge.  So that's good - I've not had those for a long time.

I've been experiencing some self-sabotage at work - I am my own worst enemy at the moment - and I am ashamed.

As I write this I feel such a lot of emotion inside.  My partner has been a bit concerned for me, and I wish I could be calmer and coping better, for his sake.

I'm ok - but I'm also not coping so well.

I do feel better for writing this here, and I really hope to be calmer another time.  I'm going to try to sleep earlier tonight. 

is what I'd like to express just now. 
***end of TW warning

I feel incredible tension in my throat just now.

Whilst I remember this, I found the first video with Dr Seigel to be quite triggering - there were aspects of his description of the model that he talked about that seemed quite triggering to me - I don't know if he realised what some of his terminology might have meant to some people. 

Maybe I'm reacting partly to that - watching those videos, although I did manage to watch them and listen, and I wrote notes, and also (it really upsets my littles inside) - I realise now it affected me far more than I wanted/needed. 

I'm crying now.  I desperately don't want to be in this state.  I need to go now.

I do feel a bit better, I can hear my partner coming, and already I am packing away my feelings - I don't want to be upset infront of him just now. 


Honestly, this is waves of emotion - they come and they also go.  I hope to be back soon, as I want to write more - I feel that whilst this is hurting me physically, actually it's positive - must go.

Hope 

[Tee]

  here for you be gentle with yourself.

[Not Alone]

Hope,
Sounds really difficult and overwhelming. Here for you. 

[Blueberry]

Sounds difficult.    (I haven't watched anything I signed up for because I have a real 9 year old visiting till tomorrow.)

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, Notalone and Tee,
to you all, and thank you. 

Journal Entry on 31st July 2019
I am feeling better than I was in the past few days, which is good. 
I want to write more, but still don't have much time, so I hope to come back later in the week - maybe tomorrow - but I wanted to just touch base briefly here - even just writing this - feels grounding.
Blueberry - I hope you enjoy the visit from the real 9 year old you have visiting.

Hope 

[MoonBeam]

Journal Entry on 30th July 2019
Honestly, this is waves of emotion - they come and they also go.  I hope to be back soon, as I want to write more - I feel that whilst this is hurting me physically, actually it's positive - must go.

Hope 

Hello Dear Hope. Thank you so much for your powerful and brave posts. I'm so inspired by your perseverance. I'm sure I've said that before, but once again i am moved by your strength, courage and honesty. I quoted that part of your post because you are so right--they do come and they do also go. And it takes bravery to heal, and facing the emotional and physical manifestations of our suffering is sometimes the best way through. You don't give up. You keep caring for you and your littles. You are amazing! 

Thank you for sharing.  if that's ok.

[Hope67]

Hi MoonBeam,
I am happy to see your reply here and thank you.     I want to write more, and catch up with you and others in the forum - but time has been limited.  I hope to carve some time out though, as I am wanting to interact and have time to do that. 

*****
Journal Entry on 1st August 2019
Just snatching a few moments during a lunch break - because I wanted to write about last night, while it's fresh in my mind.

Last night I experienced really intense connections to something - a part of myself that is raw and it was scary.  I've felt it before, but this time - I experienced the rush of emotion/feelings from that same part at least 3 times in relatively short succession, and my body reacted with racing heart, and anxiety.

I think that maybe it's a pre-verbal part of myself - relating to very early experience - this makes sense to me, and I know that others had commented on that before - it made sense.

I just want to note it today - because I feel it's like a break-through that now I've made the connection - which feels meaningful to me - i.e. I can 'see' it more clearly.  I think I feel less scared of it now - previously I thought those experiences were signs that I was suffering from something physical - or might have a heart-attack or maybe my headaches were a brain tumour - those kind of catastrophic thoughts would sometimes pop into my mind, but now I more clearly label it as being my body keeping the score, and that it's different to what I fear.

Although I've not had chance to properly read other people's posts and journals recently - I do still read bits, and I have been influenced by them, and find them so helpful.

I have a lot I feel I'd like to write, but just not getting the time and space to sit and do so.

But I hope that I can get some time tonight - or tomorrow - and I just hope that emotionally I'll feel able to write things - as I really want to.

Hope