Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[MoonBeam]

Hope, thank you for sharing, for staying and writing even though it felt hard and scary at times. I appreciate you so very much and your bravery and kind heart.

Something Blueberry said reminded me of what my T said to me recently. She said when we're little we don't have the adult perspective that when someone does something awful or hurtful, unkind, or just very wrong, that they are the ones at fault. That those adults were unwell. Not us. But they put it on us and we took it on because we didn't have the knowledge or experience to discern that what they were doing was wrong, not us. We were doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing. Being children, exploring, living. That wasn't as eloquent as my T, but hopefully the thought behind it is solid.

You were being creative and clever with your art then. That creativity and eye for mixing beautiful pinks and creating art is still very much alive in there, in you, and I believe there will come a time when it will feel safe to let it out again. Just like the words that come when they are ready.

I hope that wasn't too much dear Hope. Sending a gentle, supportive, inspired  if that's ok.

[Blueberry]

I have been continuing with my voluntary work, but doing far less now than I was before, as I am finding things more triggering - especially interactions with some of the people there - and I'm wondering why I'm doing it.  I'm beginning to think of other things I'd like to do - and wondering whether I'll be able to tackle a new direction, and whether I'll be able to motivate and focus myself to maybe achieve some things. 

I see that you are making progress in regards to your work. You've reduced your working time and you're beginning to think of other things you might like to do instead.   

I actually wrote more here, but I removed it, thinking it's irrelevant or a hijack or ... I did copy it though so I could post it later when I'm feeling clearer.

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ blueberry about that teacher and that entire incident and how much it bothers you.  horrible.  and you are so not pathetic, hope.  i think that when these things happen and they stick w/ us for so long, at such high impact, that they are a wounding of an essence of our being.  this creative side seems to be very important to you, and to have it slashed at like that teacher did, and then you get yelled at for it?  so wrong on so many levels. 

it would make sense, too, that when this artist laughed about something like that, you would react in a significant manner. 

i do hope you can get back to collages - i used to do them as a kid, and really enjoyed them - they are so personally expressive.  sending love and hugs filled w/ comfort and support.

[Blueberry]

it would make sense, too, that when this artist laughed about something like that, you would react in a significant manner. 

  Especially so if there was any feeling in your childhood that you weren't being taken seriously or were being laughed at by people who should protect you. I can't remember exactly but think you might have mentioned that?

[Hope67]

I want to thank everyone for writing here - because it's been so helpful to me, and I appreciate it so much.  Thank you 

*****
20th October 2019
I am feeling a bit manic this morning, maybe that's not the right word, but that's how I feel - so I will hope to be back later when I am a bit calmer and through this.  Actually I feel quite excited in myself too - not sure how long this will last, or why it's happening.  Anyway, I hope to be back later - but if not today - then tomorrow - weekends are usually quite triggering for me in various ways. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

i agree w/ blueberry about that teacher and that entire incident and how much it bothers you.  horrible.  and you are so not pathetic, hope.  i think that when these things happen and they stick w/ us for so long, at such high impact, that they are a wounding of an essence of our being.  this creative side seems to be very important to you, and to have it slashed at like that teacher did, and then you get yelled at for it?  so wrong on so many levels. 

it would make sense, too, that when this artist laughed about something like that, you would react in a significant manner. 

i do hope you can get back to collages

I recently mentioned in a post about quitting a job, that my second grade teacher had told me, "You can't do anything right." The context her statement was that I was trying to do a craft. I told myself that I was not artistic after that for years. Only after getting into therapy did I begin to see differently. Her words still have impact that I need to fight. I'm telling you this to say that you are NOT at all pathetic for being affected by her cruelty.

[Three Roses]

A giant and supportive to you if it's okay ❤️

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hello Hope,

Just want to send a  to you, all of your parts, for trying to protect you and for feeling your emotions, and for looking after you.

[Hope67]

It sounds like one of your protector parts is working hard, trying to get you to withdraw from supportive things. I guess it makes sense. If you are feeling more emotion in general, than you would also feel that part more strongly.

Thanks Jazzy, this really makes sense to me - it was helpful to see what you wrote here - I think that was what happened this past few days.

[Hope67]

Oops, I was trying to quote things people said, but couldn't get all of it.  So I'll try again - I was trying to thank you Jazzy for what you said about the Protector part coming out more strongly - it made sense to me.

Blueberry - I related to what you said about 'system overload' and not being able to express things in those circumstances, that is very typical to how I feel sometimes/quite frequently.  Thank you also for sharing your own early wound, and how you were able to finally talk about it, and that you managed to heal part of that wound, and also for validating my experience with that teacher who was angry at me for my painting - in my mind, I've been doing some thinking about those times, and I realise that the 5 year old me is communicating about the injustices she felt at those times, and giving me very concrete examples and flashbacks of such things, and I need to move her on from that if I can, but in a gentle and careful way.

MoonBeam - Thank you for sharing what your T had said to you about the lack of the adult perspective in the childhood memories (I realise you didn't use exactly the same words there - but that's the gist I got) - it makes sense to me, and has helped me to understand and to process a little as well.  The concept of blame is a big one for me, as I realise that I tend to very much blame myself and feel as if I'm at fault in so many aspects - and across many years - I need to challenge these beliefs, as they hold much shame for me, whilst I carry those beliefs.

Dear Blueberry - you wrote that you had written more and then deleted it - that made me wonder what you'd said, because I really value everything that you (and everyone else) says - your words are very valuable to me, in so many ways, I can't express it fully - but it means a lot.  I just wanted to say that.   

SanMagic - Thank you so much for your kind words and I do feel that my creativity is something that has been stifled and almost exhausted by the wounds of my childhood - and it carries a great sense of grief about that - but I do want to ignite those sparks and hopefully do something creative in my later years - but I know that parts of me are still wounded and hurt, and hold me back from really doing things.  Yet creativity is probably going to be the key to enable me to escape this prison, if I can only do some things.  I hope to tackle this.  I really do hope to.

Blueberry - You're right, there were reactions where I felt ridiculed and not taken seriously at all by people who were supposed to protect me, that was a theme of my childhood, I felt like I was laughed at.  It feels like a wound, when I think of that.

notalone - Your second grade teacher was cruel in her words to you - that isn't right.  I am glad that you've begun to see things differently and that her words no longer impact in the same way.  You deserve to enjoy your creativity and blossom and create, and so do I.  I feel stronger hearing your words, and those of the others here - they really help.   

Three Roses - Thank you so much for the hug - my heart lights up when I see your name, and I've missed you!  I love the little tortoise or turtle avatar you have now.  I hope you are ok.  Sending you a hug too    I would do a love heart as well, but I am not sure how to do that!     I've put a sunshine instead. 

SaB Thank you so much for the hug, I appreciate it, it makes part of me feel very emotional to see what you wrote - about all the parts trying to protect me, and for feeling my emotions, and for looking after me, that is an emotive feeling, and I am feeling it.  I am glad I am able to feel that, because it is a strong emotion, and I want to feel emotions.  Sending you a safe hug too 

Jazzy - thanks again for what you said - I think the whole quote came out this time, I had attempted to copy the quote, and when I first looked at it, there was only part of it there, but now I think it is all there.  I really related to what you said about the protector part coming out more - it certainly has been more prominent, but I am trying to remain curious and welcoming of all parts, rather than resisting them.  I feel like they all have messages for me, and I want to understand them.    to you.

*************
22nd October 2019

I really hope that I can write in some parts of the forum today - as I feel 'ready' this morning - at least at this moment - but of course, I have no idea if that feeling will still be with me later - but I feel as if I could write some 'letters to' today - and if that feeling remains the same later, then that is what I hope to do.

I have appreciated reading everyone's replies here in my Journal so much, and I really value everything that has been said, it is very meaningful and helpful.  I was able to read things in the past few days, but couldn't write much - but today I feel like I might be able to write more - and infact right now, feel as if I could write a lot, but I have a couple of chores I need to do this morning, so I must get on with those and then maybe this afternoon I will be able to write more.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

 Hello Hope,

This is what I deleted:

I have been continuing with my voluntary work, but doing far less now than I was before, as I am finding things more triggering - especially interactions with some of the people there - and I'm wondering why I'm doing it.  I'm beginning to think of other things I'd like to do - and wondering whether I'll be able to tackle a new direction, and whether I'll be able to motivate and focus myself to maybe achieve some things. 

This reminds me of an older post of yours on your voluntary work that I really wanted to respond to but never had enough emotional energy or time. You were ashamed of not having said right away that your new work was volunteer. Maybe that feeling of shame has lessened by now anyway, but there is no need for it on here. You don't owe us any information. Maybe divulging it on here would have been too early for you or for some part of you? So a protective mechanism. 

I think I've posted before that I'm not doing any volunteer work anymore. I hope that didn't make you or others who do volunteer work feel ashamed of it? I actually do do a bit of volunteer work from time to time but I'm not willing to do my professional work as a volunteer. But unlike you, I didn't have a successful career for decades before succumbing to the effects of cpstd, so that might make a difference? For my farm work (which has nothing to do with my profession), I do get ample payment-in-kind and I'm fine with that, but it did take quite a number of years for that to evolve. Anyway, everybody's case is a bit different.

__________________

I deleted it partly because I was referring back to something that may no longer be an issue for you and partly because I think I'm making assumptions that may not be true.   

I also wanted to add that you did volunteer work for us on OOTS by taking notes on the Avaiya talks and posting them I planned to but never got round to it You did! That's so useful, helpful, kind, even though not paid.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for saying what you'd said previously, as it is helpful to me to hear your perspective and thoughts, and they are helpful to me.  I can't process things properly today - as I think I'm in an EF - but I do appreciate what you said.  Thank you.

************
23rd October 2019
My partner is here today, and he's already worried about me, as I am quite manic one moment and then crying the next - just fleeting moments, but it shows how my emotions are on the surface and I'm not managing to control them like I might normally do.  But I've told him I'm ok.  Because I am ok.  I think so anyway.

I realise I'm in some kind of EF - with fluctuating emotions from moment to moment, and I hope I can come out of this soon, as I am not really liking this state of emotions.  My partner wants us to go out this afternoon together, and I know that's a nice thing to do - so I am happy to do that.  I don't like to worry him, and I saw his worry in his eyes when he saw me crying.

I think it's because I wrote my 'letter to the teacher' yesterday and it's brought out my vulnerability more - but I can feel some changes - as my little Hopes feel like I'm listening, and reading people's validating thoughts have been ok - I notice when I read what people wrote - that some people asked whether the compassion would be 'too much' for little Hope, and at the time I read that - I wondered, 'but can Little Hope feel that?' - and I realise that 'Yes, she can feel it' - it is shifting something within her and within me, and I do think that is a positive thing, although it is also quite painful emotionally - but Little Hope has been showing me more flashbacks of things she is bothered about, and I am going to pursue writing about some of those - but I am taking things slowly - as the emotional impact is quite strong.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I have just been watching a video by Bruce Lipton, who is a Biologist, and it was part of a Healing Summit by Hay House - and was free to view today - it's about 1 hour 25 minutes duration, but I found it very positive, and found it helpful to me:
https://www.hayhousehealsummit.com/lessons/regenerate-new-cells-and-boost-your-immunity-naturally
Hope 

[Hope67]

I haven't got much time to write just now, but I wanted to just briefly write a few things about how I'm feeling just now.  I'm aware that parts of me have been feeling raw and vulnerable today, and may have been 'acting out' a bit - possibly in ways that might have seemed passive aggressive to my partner, and thankfully we've been able to talk about this - which has helped. 

We didn't go out as planned, we stayed at home instead, and that was ok.  I watched that video by Bruce Lipton - I think what I liked about things he said were that there are lots of things that can be done in life to change outcomes, and therefore I feel more positive that I can make some positive changes.  He spoke of the effects of the first 7 years of life on thought processes, and how we can take on other people's hopes and aspirations, rather than our own - and so I feel like I need to begin to think about what things might benefit my life now - in my 6th decade of life - and work towards finding out what matters to me, and get a better idea of who I am.

I think I might be easily influenced by whatever I'd watched or listened to today - because of being raw and vulnerable in parts - so maybe tomorrow I will feel different.  I don't know.

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

I'm having a hard time finding words to adequately express the thoughts that your 'letter to teacher' brought up for me. I have multiple incidents, but one very close, to exactly what happened to Little Hope.

Over time, many of these incidents have only accumulated in a huge pile of memories too fragile to touch. I end up leaving it all lumped together but it still feels like a tangled mess. I'm afraid even of trying sometimes, as it's such a huge task to ever wade through it all.
I've lashed out angrily at the 'voices' of the abusers that still haunt me, but haven't adequately found a way to uplift or at least touch my own little self, still cowering and crying in anguish and disappointment.

I think what I mainly what to say is to offer a deep silent hug --    to honour and appreciate how hard that letter and the willingness to explore what will ultimately help your Little Hope part to experience needed love and encouragement for moving forward.