Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Wattlebird]

Sounds like derealisation or a bit of dissociation
I can relate to your resisting connections, I get that when some part of me is emotionally fragile.
Sending hugs     

[Hope67]

Dear Wattlebird,
Thank you - I relate to what you said, it makes sense.  I think I was feeling some dissociation and de-realization, and that it was due to trying to do the exercises that Richard Schwartz suggested, and I think maybe my parts don't feel they can trust him yet - they're a bit scared about it.  I related to Janine Fisher's book, and to her, and I think that Richard Schwartz will be similarly positive for me, but I think my parts need to get used to him, and to the theory etc, and that then maybe over time they will feel comfortable.  I've been thinking about it quite a bit, and that's what I've concluded.

Anyway, I really appreciate what you said, and thank you    You mentioned feeling emotionally fragile and that's a good way to say it - I relate to that completely.   

Hope 

[Hope67]

9th December 2019
So I've started reading the book by Richard C. Schwartz & Martha Sweezy entitled "Internal Family Systems Therapy - 2nd Edition" and I am up to p236, which means I've nearly finished it - it's only been a few days, but I wanted to read it to see what was involved, and I wanted to reflect on some of my thoughts and feelings as I have been reading it.

I find that it relates and fits into the previous book that I read by Janina Fisher - and I am glad that I am focusing more on internal family systems and parts, as I really relate to it, and feel like I've begun to make some in-roads with it - but at the same time, I feel as if I hadn't realised the different roles that my parts hold - and now I'm beginning to realise those things a little better.  I realise that I didn't check back in with my parts regularly enough, and that events over the Summer months had frightened me a little, and I'd been scared off a bit - I also recognise that some parts try to distract me - I guess they are the fire-fighters mentioned in Schwartz's book - and I recognise some protectors, and I recognise the fact that I am sometimes blended with my parts, and don't necessarily realise that.  But I also feel like there is a Self within, and that I do glimpse that Self sometimes, and feel as if she is able to negotiate things with the other parts - and essentially, now I realise that doing Internal Family Systems therapy doesn't mean that any part will be left behind or erased, then I think that has been reassuring to my parts, and I feel more comfortable about trying to pursue it further.

I have been interested in Snowdrop's Journal and all the stellar work she is doing with her parts, and it makes me feel very optimistic - and I want to follow along that path.  I am going to try to check in with my parts on a daily basis, and keep listening for signs and signals from them, and try to communicate more with exiled parts - and listen to the things they want to tell me. 

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad reading the book has been so helpful.

I think there are probably two key things which have really helped me, and I'll write them here in case they are in any way helpful to you.

The first is recognising my Self. If I feel anything other than calm, curious, compassionate or any of those other qualities that begin with C, it's a sign that I'm probably blended with a part. If I feel scared, for example, I know that I'm not completely my Self. I can ask the scared part to step to one side, ask it what its role is, how it's protecting me, how old it thinks I am etc.

The second is getting permission from protector parts every step of the way. If I want to talk to an exile, for example, I first make sure I get permission from any protectors that might be involved, and I also ask them if they know of any other protectors I need to talk to. It can sometimes take a while to negotiate with everyone, but the end result feels right.

You're making such good progress, Hope. Feeling that there's a Self within is great, and it's absolutely true that no part gets erased. Every part is valuable. Listening for parts and checking in on them regularly is also an excellent idea.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,  Thank you - those things are very helpful - I appreciate you sharing them, and also your support and validation - thank you 
Hope 

[Hope67]

11th December 2019
I dreamed last night that I was selling flowers (roses) and that it was as if time lasted forever, and there was no pressure or angst or upset - it was purely calm and people were accepting of anything, and there was no pressure.  It was in contrast to how things can often feel in real life - and I wondered if this slowing down of time is somehow related to the fact I'm communicating with my inner parts and letting them know that there's no pressure to do anything they don't want to do, and that they are all valuable and we can work things out over time - and there is time.

I just feel calmer.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I think you're right.

Calmness is one of the qualities of the Self. If you're feeling calmer, it could well be that you're being more your Self, and have unblended from your parts. Being more conscious of parts can help them unblend.

This is really good!

[Hope67]

Thank you Snowdrop - I appreciate your comments here and also the hug 

14th December 2019
Part of me has wanted to write here a few times in the past few days, but somehow there have been other parts who have distracted me, or not felt so keen to do that, but today I am going to just hopefully write a few things.

I've been reading the book entitled 'Internal Family Systems: Skills Training Manual by Anderson, Sweezy & Schwartz (2019) and have been interested in how different parts of me have reacted to that.  I realise I have many proactive 'managers' which embody things like perfectionism, intellectualising, one-sided caretaking, and potentially trying to control and please others - also I relate to having reactive parts who lead me to binge or comfort eat, numb my feelings, dissociate frequently. 

I am trying my best to find my Self - "the you who is not a part" - and sometimes I think I've reached that, but I also acknowledge that there are parts that seem 'self-like' - so I'm wondering how to better find out what is going on. 

I find this helpful, where they write in the manual "Protective parts - we go as fast as they let us go." and "Protectors set the pace".

Some things I've noticed whilst I read that book, is that I get physical feelings where I feel nauseous in certain parts of my body, or I feel tightness around my throat, or I feel dizzy and spaced out.  It is happening even as I write this, and I'm aware of that, but I also want to ask for permission from those parts to continue with this, as I feel like I want to write some things down here.

I want to help parts relax, and to be present.

I think I relate more to hypoarousal - in that I tend to withdraw rather than get over-activated.  I noticed that "out-of-office strategies for hypoarousal = emotion-or body-based e.g. walk or run, yoga poses, gardening, having sex, listening to music, or watching an emotionally charged movie" - I find these interesting, and I do enjoy some of them.

I also related to these words "Clients who have experienced extreme attachment rupture often have protective (and sometimes exiles) who don't trust anyone."  I relate to that, as I find I don't trust many people completely. 

This is also relevant to me - "Breaks in continuity are fuelled by protector fears.  Often protective parts try to derail the work by distracting.  They are trying to keep the exile out of mind."

"As we get close to an exile, we expect protectors to get activated."

I understand that pacing this work is so important, and going at the pace that my protectors, exiles etc can cope with.  I already notice that they are reacting in various ways, and I feel like I'm gaining some realisations about things.  I am welcoming all parts and trying to communicate with them, providing I am enabled to do that. 

I don't feel able to write anymore just now - what I feel would be beneficial to me is to be more honest and open about my emotions, my thoughts and my feelings, but there are parts which are reluctant to allow me to do that.  I need to negotiate with them, and find a path that will enable me to do that, as I feel it is a key to helping me to process some emotions etc, and I feel I need to do that.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

you are doing so much work in this area, it's amazing to see.  i think integrating our parts is a process, and your recognition, acknowledgment, and acceptance of them is incredible.  it's interesting, once again, how our bodies also communicate with us as we're working our process.  i wonder if there's some advantage to knowing what various bodily messages might mean.  for example, what does nausea mean to our bodies?  that we're off balance?  we've ingested something we don't agree with?  and could that connect to how we're feeling emotionally?

this stuff fascinates me on some level.  during my last therapy appt., i experienced nausea while processing a feeling.  it was also related to disgust.  when i think of seeing something disgusting, i can definitely get a feeling of being nauseated.  take that a step further, it's a sign to me that what i was thinking about made me 'sick'.  my t even put the wastebasket closer to me in case i needed to use it.

van der kolk talks about this all the time.  the body does, indeed to my mind, keep the score.  we can learn about ourselves, and our self, on so many levels.

i give you a lot of credit for how you're pursuing this, hope.  hard work, but it sounds like it's being helpful to you, so i'm really glad you're going after it.  sending love and a hug full of understanding

[Snowdrop]

I wondered about Self-like parts too. I find approaching things visually helps, as where my vision comes from gives me clues. If it's as though I'm looking through my eyes, it means I'm my Self. If it's as though I'm looking at someone who looks like me from outside my body, it means I'm looking at a part. I hope that makes sense!

...I get physical feelings where I feel nauseous in certain parts of my body, or I feel tightness around my throat, or I feel dizzy and spaced out.

^^^ I can relate to this. I had a protector part who kept tightening my throat to try and prevent me saying things that it felt might put me in danger. I had another protector part that made me feel dizzy so that I would have to leave situations that it thought might overwhelm me.

You're doing really, really well, Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much   
Hi Snowdrop, Thank you so much 
Both of you have said things that are so helpful to me, and thank you. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

17th December 2019
I am so relieved because I did something social this morning, that had caused me some anxiety and I've actually managed to get through it without anything awkward or bad happening, and I am so relieved!  My parts were very anxious about the whole thing, and some of them had wanted me to get out of it, but I tried to reassure them that it would be ok - although I am not sure how much I believed that it would - in my head many negative scenarios had been thought of, but thankfully none of those things actually happened, and it was ok.  So I am just relieved!   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Well done!

[Hope67]

Thank you Snowdrop 
Hope 

[Hope67]

20th December 2019
Hoping to reflect on a few things here - especially the fact that over the past few weeks I've noticed that I've been dreaming more often, and whereas in the past the content would have been more disturbing or frightening even, currently the themes in the dreams are more like some kind of processing is happening.  For example, I dreamed a couple of night's ago that I was attending a party, (bearing in mind social events are things I tend to avoid if I can, and especially parties!) but I was actually attending the party in my dream, and was being 'looked after' by a female person who I couldn't see her face or what she looked like, but I sensed she was there alongside me and she was looking after me, and making me feel more accepted and welcomed in that scene.  This felt enjoyable in the dream, and I liked the feeling. 

I had another dream that is memorable about a week earlier, and that had been when I had been doing some attempts to contact my inner parts and communicate with them, and I think that one of my fire-fighter parts had become upset or disturbed by that, as I believe they became active in my dreams, and made me think that my partner was going out to the cinema with another woman, and I felt very jealous of this.  Normally I would talk about my dreams to my partner, but on this occasion I didn't - because I thought that the fire-fighter part was trying to somehow come between us with something evoking jealousy in this way, and instead of discussing the dream with my partner, I tried to communicate with the fire-fighter part, and say that there isn't any need to act in that way, as there is no need to - I apologised if I had been moving too fast for that part, or if I hadn't asked permission to proceed with the work I was doing - and asked that part if it could relax and not cause issues in that way - I'm not entirely sure how effective that was, but that is the process that I tried to follow, and I haven't had any further dreams of that particular theme.

Yesterday I wrote a 'letter not to be sent' in the other part of the forum, and it was helpful to do that, and to hear Blueberry's thoughts about it too - I felt very much as if I have progressed and that I do feel stronger. 

I'm trying to allow myself a pace that feels comfortable, and that isn't rushed.  I'm trying to ensure that all my parts are listened to, and I feel like I have more internal space that feels calmer.  So I think I am accessing more of my 'self' or should I say 'Self' - as Richard Shwartz uses a capital S for Self. 

I would like to try to do some drawing, but I know there is part of me that is scared to express myself in drawing, as I still think back to an experience I had where I was shocked by what I drew, but I am hoping that I can try and see what happens.  I think I'll have to try to talk to my parts beforehand and see if any of them are reluctant, and maybe ask them to stand back for a while to let me try it out.  Maybe I'll try this on the weekend.  I don't know.

I have bought the book 'The Secret Garden' as I want to read it again, I've not read it for many years. 

I feel less anxious and worried about social things this year, I feel as if I could possibly cope better with them.  That's how I feel today - I hope this feeling stays with me.

Hope