Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Tee]

 

[Blueberry]

Although I've not had chance to properly read other people's posts and journals recently - I do still read bits, and I have been influenced by them, and find them so helpful.

I have a lot I feel I'd like to write, but just not getting the time and space to sit and do so.

But I hope that I can get some time tonight - or tomorrow - and I just hope that emotionally I'll feel able to write things - as I really want to.

Dear Hope,
I think you have a lot going on emotionally/psychologically atm, so it could be good to do things at your own pace and not worry about reading or responding to others' posts? It's OK to take a break from that.  I'm reading and responding less atm too.  I find even writing my own stuff down comes when I'm ready.
Blueberry

[sanmagic7]

i fully agree w/ blueberry on this.  space, time, energy, processing, routine - i think they all play a part in our posting.  do what you need to do for you first, foremost.  we'll be here.  sending love and a hug full of pace.   

[Hope67]

Hi Tee, Blueberry & SanMagic,

Remembering the need to pace has been so helpful here.  When I read your words - it was like my littles and different parts listened and I was relieved, and it was almost like hearing it gave me permission to give myself some slack.  Thank you.

**********
Journal Entry on 2nd August 2019

Being reminded that I can pace myself, and hearing that - has made a positive difference, and I am so grateful to hear such validating and helpful reminders. 

I'm taking a late lunch today, and will be taking things step by step this afternoon.  I'm going to try to pace myself better. 

One of the healing videos I watched had someone talking about 'Messengers' which I found helpful - so I'm reminding myself of that.  It was helpful.  I hope to write about some of the things I've heard in those videos, when I get chance, but so far, I'm just getting through the week - and wanting the weekend to be here - only this afternoon to go, and then I do have the weekend. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

let's hear it for pace!!!      it's something that i still struggle w/ at times.  glad you have a sense of relief, hope, and are able to take your time, move at your own pace.  i'm doing that today, too, and if feels good - like i caught myself in time.  well done, sweetie!  love and hugs.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - thank you so much    Love and hugs to you too.   

***************
Journal entry on 5th August 2019  (***TW throughout - as I'm not sure what I'm going to say, and I don't know what triggers others, so I just want to put that here - I am hoping to write from my heart and soul in this - because I need to get these things out)

How do I feel at this moment?  As if I've emerged from something huge, with lots of layers of complicated things, and so many things that have felt very hard to cope with at so many levels.  My body has reacted massively - with various things like feeling as if my left eye and temple area is being literally stabbed, and I have been having difficulty sleeping and struggling in quite a few ways.

BUT, I do feel as if things are progressing for me, and I'm making some links and whilst I feel it's been more painful, I feel as if I have more tools available to me to cope.

I want to list some good things that have happened:

I've been talking more to my partner, and whilst I've been experiencing more emotion and more uncontrollable behaviour - I've been able to express it verbally, and he has been able to tolerate my behaviour and we've been able to keep talking - even though I have felt as if I am driving him mad at times. 

I have been tearful, I have felt unable to cope at times, and I have felt really desperate at times. 

I can more clearly see the way I've been numb and dissociated for so many years in my life, and that beginning to 'feel' and to begin to process some emotions - it's such a scary and over-whelming thing.

Whilst I write this, I have a couple of contrasting views (from my parts) - it's like there's one part that is saying - "Look what you're writing, it's rubbish" (I had a stronger word there that was said in my mind), and then there's a very emotional part - that I 'feel' who is literally wailing and is very upset.

I want to mention the raw and what I'm calling pre-verbal parts that I feel I've been accessing more at night-time - it's like I can't breathe at those times, and I get pins and needles in my hands, and I think it's like when people get panic attacks and the physiology sets into action - and prepares you to fight or flight - but there's no active thing there to fight or run from - but my brain and conscious thought then sets in to think 'I'm having a heart attack' or I'm going to die etc.  I think that was how I used to view it - but now I view it as being a 'messenger' or a 'contact' or 'presence' of my pre-verbal traumatised 'little part' - who is frightened and scared in the dark (now I feel that part so strongly crying and the tears are close, and it throbs through my face and my brain as I write this). 

I'm telling my parts that I need to write this, and share this, because it matters that they are frightened and they are scared.

**TW mentioning CSA here**

I've been helped at night by the concept of 'Mama Bear' - which was something someone wrote in reply to my posts in the CSA part of this forum, and I have used that visual of a comforting Mama Bear who can comfort my little frightened self, and I also know that Mama Bear can be protective and can save me and my littles, and that's helped me so much in the middle of the night.
(I feel calmer now - it's like that reminder of that protective presence makes my littles feel ok)  (I'm using brackets to explain my 'process' as I think this through)

I want to write this in a structured way, and that's the perfectionistic side of me who wants that - who thinks that it should be that way - but actually I'm going to give permission to myself to write in an un-ordered way - to let words flow - because I need to get them out and in a safe place, and I've been fighting for the time and opportunity to come here and I am so grateful today that my parts are allowing me space to write.

This may get quite a long diary today - because I really want to keep coming back to get things out - and I'm going to do that.  I'll be back later.  I need a break just now, but I am glad I was able to come here and write this, and I know I want to say more - and I hope to be back later and I hope I can do just that.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I am just back straight away, as I posted this and then re-read it, and wanted to focus on the emotions that I feel as I re-read it - (they were incredibly potent and it's as if my parts are reading it and feeling such shock and feeling upset, but I also feel like it's ok - it's so powerful).
I already feel calm, as if they then distance themselves.

I am going to make a cup of tea.

I also notice that I still have an incredibly strong emotional reaction - to just seeing the 'Healing Porch' - and I want to say that I really appreciate that place, and I read what is written there, but my littles are at the same time too shy to allow me to actually go there in my virtual presence kind of way - does that make sense?  I think this reflects my fear in some social situations - it's like I need the part of me that can put on a mask of confidence, and as long as she is in charge - she can get me through things like that.  But there are other parts of me that don't want me to put myself through that, and they're scared.

I think I'm going to pop up in different places today - to write things - as I do want to venture out and write things in different sections - I'm just putting that as a potential and reminding myself I want to do that.

But right now I need that cup of tea.

I am so grateful that this place is here - it is a sanctuary. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

The cup of tea was good.  I enjoyed it. 

I just wrote quite a bit, and then part of me decided I should rub it out - and I did delete it.  I don't like to do that, as I feel there wasn't anything wrong with what I wrote, but maybe that part (the resistant one) wasn't happy for me to write at this time. 

I recognise I'm in an EF currently - as I am literally having lots of word-finding difficulties, and forgetting things - previously I would have labelled that as being a worrying thing, but I feel it's down to the effects of an EF.

I am giving myself permission to relax and to try to chill out - and I'm going to have something nice for my lunch, and deciding that feels good.

(I feel calmer)  (I feel ok)

Must go and get my lunch now.
Hope 

[Tee]

  hugging all your parts I'm so glad they are letting you write some of what you feel you need to get.  This is a safe place.   

[Hope67]

Thank you Tee, your hug is much appreciated, and sending one for you too 
*******
I am managing to cope today - but it's challenging for me.  I want to write some of the things that have been going through my mind, and I hope that I can do that - and I'm going to try not to delete or edit things, just let them flow out.  I am reminding myself that it's a safe place, and it's ok to share things here.

I'm sitting here, and waiting...  I feel calmer. 

I'm giving myself permission to write - and it doesn't need to be structured, it can just flow, anything I want to write, it's ok.  (Feeling upset inside, experiencing tinnitus in my left-ear, my eyes hurt a lot)
This reminds me that I've been experiencing really painful crampy kind of feelings in my stomach - similar to period pains, but also as if someone has badly bruised my stomach area.  I was beginning to think it might be indigestion or bloating due to different foods, and I was wanting to find out what was causing it, but now I think it's not down to food, it's more to do with being stressed out.  So probably because I've been so anxious.

I watched a TV programme at lunchtime today - it's called Loose Women and one of the women was wearing a dress that had a pattern on it which was a white background and had red flowers - it was quite a retro kind of pattern from the 1970's or so, or even before that, as I'd seen a very old film yesterday that had a similar pattern and that film was made in the 1950's!  So that pattern has been around for a long time, and one of my younger selves (a little Hope) has seen that pattern in her bedroom, and focuses on it.

I found it triggering this time, because I then saw details of the women in hyper brilliance, like I saw freckles on their skin that I'd not noticed before, and this reminded me of how I used to see features of the other children I met at school during all those times I changed schools as a young child, and had to make new friendships - and I remember talking about that here, and people saying that maybe I was hypervigilant and noticing things for a while before settling. 

I think I've been hypervigilant this past few days, and also experiencing some feelings of being 'out of my body' - there's a word for that, and I can't think what it is.  Maybe it will come to me - I do know it.

***TW might mention something triggering as feeling a bit anxious
(feeling very upset inside)

I went upstairs to lie on the bed for a while after lunch, and I tried to do some meditation kind of relaxing - where I was just thinking of centring my body and being calm and still.  Then emotion came strongly and I ended up with tears flowing, but I let them flow, and told myself it was ok - because I need to cry, it's ok to let it out.  I told myself that I've been through a lot this past few days - I've managed to deal with some very difficult things, and I've come through the other side of those things.

So - the good things:
I have talked more to friends IRL (in real life) - by which I mean my long-standing friends who in the past I've not communicated with about personal stuff.  I have gradually been opening up a bit more, and sharing some things - but it depends on the person and my level of trust.

The negative of that - it's harder to remember who knows what about me, and that puts a big mental strain on things, but I'd like to get to the point where I could be authentic and talk about anything I'd like to talk about - as and when I'd like to (even talking that way, there's a part that says 'Don't be so full of yourself' - and I recognise that's from FOO, and it's not helpful.

OK - to FOO, I do have some things I'd like to express, and I'm going to say them:

To my F - (no, I can't do it)  (I feel bad for what I was wanting to say to him there, it's too hard to say)
To my M - (similarly, I can't say it)

(In my throat there comes a large lump, and it's physically a hard lump) - it's like my pre-verbal part is messenging me.

Notes to remind myself of things:
* I want to do my time-line again, but once more I've lost my book with all my timelines in it - it's like part of me wants to hide it. 
* I've been self-sabotaging myself in a few arenas of my life, and I need to stop doing that.

Yes, this reminds me that I have noticed patterns that are repeating - and that makes me feel ashamed, BUT - I recognise that I can now make some changse, and that will stop the cycle repeating itself ad nauseum.

Easier said than done, but possible. (Now I feel silly - but I've decided not to edit or erase) and I'll leave everything here. 

It's a safe place, and yes, I'm using up space, but I've been silenced for so many years - and told what I can and can't say, that I've got a right to speak - and a right to be heard. (A part tells me that I am being 'dramatic' 'a drama Queen', so I say 'I hear you, but those are words passed down to me by my FOO, and I am NONE of those things - and I have respect for people and their opinions, and I'd like to be respected and heard for mine too.

Boundaries - that came into my mind as something I've learned - and I am beginning to realise how people have their own boundaries and respect those of others.  I've not had that model in my FOO - infact I don't feel as if anyone has cared about my boundary - they have crossed it too many times.  I am angry about that. 

** Memories relating to when I was 15 years old are surfacing more.  I only know that I was that old because of noticing some events that had happened at that time, which I found out by looking up the dates on an app - it's a helpful thing to place things in time - it's been bringing up things relating to that time, that I had buried.

(I feel nothing now - it's like my parts have gone out of the door - left me alone)

Hope 

[Tee]

  don't feel silly or ashamed those are big steps. Keep it up you are doing great. Hugs here for you! glad your able to get some things out.

[Blueberry]

don't feel silly or ashamed those are big steps. Keep it up you are doing great. Hugs here for you! glad your able to get some things out.

Huge steps forward, Hope! 

Those things you want to say to FOO? You'll be able to when the time is right for you. Atm maybe it'd be overwhelming for you. I find that anyway. There are things I want to say but when I come to write them down, they disappear.

It's a safe place, and yes, I'm using up space, but I've been silenced for so many years - and told what I can and can't say, that I've got a right to speak - and a right to be heard.

You certainly do have a right to speak and a right to be heard! And you have a right to take up space here too! I'm so glad you're part of this forum Nothing you write sounds silly to me.

(A part tells me that ... so I say 'I hear you, but those are words passed down to me by my FOO, and I am NONE of those things - and I have respect for people and their opinions, and I'd like to be respected and heard for mine too.

Good response to that ICr.!!

[Not Alone]

Hope, glad you wrote without editing. You do deserve to speak and to be heard. I am glad to listen to you.

[Hope67]

13th August 2019
I will be back again soon, just touching base.  Hope to write later this week - when I can.
Love to you all.
Hope 

[Hope67]

I am back, and I'm ok.  I'm still over-whelmed in many respects by events that have happened this week, but I'm taking it step by step and I need to take my time - and I am doing ok.
Hope