Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Sceal]

Hey Hope,
I've been reading your entry a few times now, and I keep wanting to have something insightful to say but I don' tknow what to actually say. So instead I just want to say that I'm here, and I'm listening.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - I agree with you that things are changing physically too - and I must try to get hold of the Bach remedy, but somehow my memory keeps pushing that to the back of my mind, because I only remember about it when I come back here!  Interesting that I can't keep it as a priority to get it at the moment.  Thanks for the love and hugs, I appreciate them.   

Hi Three Roses - thank you so much  - I am happy you're around, as I missed you.

Hi Marta - you are very kind to send much love, and thank you for what you said.   

Hi Sceal - I truly appreciate that you came over, and it means a lot to know you're here and you're listening, and that means a lot.  So thank you.    

**********
26th March 2020
I am hoping to do these things soon - Write a letter (not to send) to my Shame - as I know I'm carrying a lot of shame currently, and I need to communicate to that parts that hold/carry that shame, and maybe that will help me to process and understand some of it better, as I'm finding it a very heavy and horrible load to carry.

I have other things I want to do, but that is my priority for the current time, as it Is really tying me up in knots to feel the level of shame I have at the present time.

Maybe I'll write it later, but for now I'm going to drink a cup of tea.
Hope 

[Hope67]

I feel a lot calmer now than I did earlier - I think I was in a wave of EF that felt blended with a part that felt intense toxic shame, and I felt weighed down by it, and almost felt as if I was going to drown under the weight of it, plus the anxiety that came with that.  I also had a massive pain in my tummy, like being very bloated, and as if I had damaged myself.  I wondered if I was getting some body feelings related to something.  I couldn't pinpoint any reason regarding food or indigestion etc.  Now that I'm calmer, I feel free from stomach pain again, and I am so relieved.  The urge isn't as strong to write the letter to the shame parts, but I think I do need to try to write that letter - as I think those issues will rise again, and I might be blended with them again.  It's been tough, and comes in waves.  But feeling calmer inbetween is a good feeling and I am grateful to have that.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I know I haven't written much if anything to you recently, but I am aware you are doing hard healing work atm. I'm so glad at least the physical pain in your tummy has gone because that can be very uncomfortable and am also glad that you feel calmer. I'd just like to give you some   

[sanmagic7]

glad to hear you're feeling calmer, hope.  i agree w/ you that these things come in waves.  i think one of the difficult decisions i make is when to allow myself time and rest, and when to push myself in order to accomplish something.  i have no doubt that the letter to your shame will come about when you're ready.  love and hugs, hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, Thank you    I appreciate those hugs, and also your validation too - and my tummy is still ok today, so that's good.

Hi SanMagic, Thanks for the love and hugs, and I like what you said about allowing time and rest, and knowing when to push yourself, I think that's a great way to achieve something.  My letter to my shame doesn't seem so pressing at the moment, and I am being kind to myself today.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

glad to hear you're feeling calmer, hope.  i agree w/ you that these things come in waves.  i think one of the difficult decisions i make is when to allow myself time and rest, and when to push myself in order to accomplish something.  i have no doubt that the letter to your shame will come about when you're ready.  love and hugs, hope.

My letter to my shame doesn't seem so pressing at the moment, and I am being kind to myself today.

Glad to hear that.

I hope your tummy is still okay. When that happens to me I don't know if I'm having a body memory, or if my body is hurting which is triggering. Either way I find it upsetting.

Regarding your shame letter, if it would be helpful; maybe as thoughts come, write down a word or two to remind yourself, without diving into writing the whole thing.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
and thank you for what you said.  I've been having a few more body memories these past few days, but I'm not so afraid of them, as I think I understand them as a communication from parts of me that can't communicate any other way.

Got to go now.
Hope 

[Hope67]

5th April 2020
I am tired and feel exhaustion at some levels, but I hope that I'll sleep ok tonight, and feel more refreshed tomorrow for a new week ahead.  I feel as if I've been processing so many things this past few days, and so I think I need to allow myself a break to not put any expectations on my self or any parts of me - at least for a couple of days, if I can. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

I hope you get a good night's sleep. I like that your plan is to treat yourself with gentleness and not putting pressure on yourself. 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope!

I hope you did get a good nights sleep. It sounds smart to give yourself a break in-between processing things.  Let them sink in further  by giving yourself a break. Pushing too hard will only make it more difficult.

A gentle hug, if it is okay. 

[marta1234]

Hi hope, sending you lots of warmth and comfort. 
Hope you feel rested, and I hear what you said. Processing takes a lot of energy, and taking a break is valid and needed.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone, Sceal and Marta,
I appreciate your replies, and thank you very much for them.   

9th April 2020
I don't think I can easily put into words how I've felt over the past few days, but I doing ok.  I have been exhausted and I've tried to not take on too many responsibilities, although that has been challenging, as there have been some things I've needed to do.  But I think I've managed to balance things, and that I have enabled my different parts to feel like I'm still there for them, and listening and heeding whatever they choose to show me. 

I've made some links and realizations, but I am unsure I can write about them just yet - just thinking of that makes me feel as if I just wouldn't know where to start, and then I feel over-whelmed, so I am just allowing myself to not put any pressure on myself, and that takes that pressure off me again. 

I had found some notes I'd written about Richard Schwartz's talk that he did in September 2019 at an online Trauma conference, and I re-read my notes, and found them so helpful, and then I thought - I must write them down in this forum, to help other people, and then I realised I'd already done that - and infact had written up more notes in a section about the Conference, and it amazed me that I'd done that, as I hadn't recalled doing that.  Yes, now I think of it, I realise that I 'did' do that, but when I saw the notes again, I felt as if I would write them up here, and would be doing that for the first time - hence, to realise I've already done it, surprises me.

I finished the book 'The Courage to Heal' - and I found it so helpful.  I need to re-read it, and then work through some things - but I know I've already been processing in my head, and especially at night!

TW - mentioning a flashback in my sleep

I do want to mention an experience I had one night - I literally must have blended with a young part of myself, because I was experiencing some worries that I had a tight feeling in my chest, and I worried in my sleep about the potential of Covid-19 symptoms, and then as I was thinking about this, and really worried, I felt my hand reach out to touch my chest area, and then I was horrified by a massive lump of flesh - and felt some terror that I must have somehow expanded my lungs and chest in my sleep - and then reality hit me of what it was - it was actually my boob.  In my mind, I was a small child with a flat chest and no boobs, and so to have suddenly something much larger and different than what I expected, it was so shocking.  It has taken me about three days to mention that experience to my partner, and now I am writing about it, it feels actually funny to think of it, but at the time, I was shocked!

I've been finding that I am angry and upset about my F's behaviour towards me as a child, and also I have had more flashbacks about that, and am beginning to put some jig-saw pieces together, and really feel appalled by the resulting picture.  It's like I am finally beginning to 'feel' and believe - even though at other times, I find I don't believe it, and feel as if it's not happened at all.  So many aspects of my childhood feel like that - like it was a story, and couldn't really have happened, and yet I know that those things are true and things have happened.  This Covid-19 situation has a similar surreal feel to it, as I think I am dissociating quite often to the realities of things - and it feels very similar to past experiences, as if it's happening, but not really happening.

I feel as if I want to write a letter 'not to send' to my F at the moment, but I'm plucking up the courage to do that.  It's not an easy thing.  But I am grateful that I am feeling some emotions now - and anger and upset is some of those emotions and they are directed towards him now, whereas I couldn't feel that before. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

I'm just coming back, as I realise that writing that I intend to do a letter expressing my feelings towards my F has caused one of my parts to get distressed and she feels distraught about that, and so I'm trying to comfort her, and I've said that I won't do it yet - but that maybe I can try another day, and maybe it will be helpful to me, and to her, for some expression of those feelings and thoughts.  I feel calmer as I write this.  She seems to have heard me, and feels a bit better.

I also want to say that I've evoked a potential exiled part of me in the past week or so - infact I think there were two of them - one was represented in my mind by a buzzing maze of black dots, i.e. fuzzy around the form, and scary and dark.  The other was a girl who appeared to have been drowned or wet through with water, and her hair was long and wet around her face, so I couldn't see her expression or her face, and she seems to be around me, and present in my daily life, and she's quite depressed and low in her mood.  But I'm trying to be there for her, and be ok with her presence, and then maybe she'll communicate with me and let me know more about how she is feeling and anything else she wants me to know. 

At night, I've noticed being in a labyrinth of dark rooms, and finding that I can move from one to another, and apart from that, I can't really describe what's happened, as I feel that the part of me that rubs things out, doesn't allow me to completely recall those dreams/experiences.  But there's a lot going on in my dreams currently - and also in my thoughts and feelings in my waking life.

I'm currently reading another self-help book about CSA and incest, and I relate to what the person has written, and I find it very helpful as the girl in the book is having therapy with a kind therapist, and I find that I can learn from the things she says, and how they interact, and that is helping me. 

I'm glad I managed to write these things today.  I need to go now, as I feel upset inside again, and I need to calm the different parts of me, and reassure them we're all ok.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope, I can relate to many things that you shared. Sending you and all your Parts (to whom it feels safe) a hug.