Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Snowdrop]

I was just thinking of you, Hope, so I thought I'd send you a hug.

[Hope67]

Your hug is much appreciated Snowdrop, and thank you 
Hope 

[Tee]

  you are doing great work I'm glad you are making such progress.  It's amazing to see where people are after being gone for a while.  Big hug  :hug:continue working hard and remember to rest too

[Hope67]

Dear Tee,
Thank you for saying that, I also appreciate the hug very much   

16th June 2020
Whenever I come here to write something this past couple of days, I find I can't actually do it.  But I feel like I've got a lot I want to say, so hopefully I'll manage to write in the next couple of days or so.  I'm doing ok though.  Just a lot going on - becoming more aware of some parts I hadn't realised before, plus making more realisations, and I want to write about those, but it feel a bit over-whelming.

But I'm ok.
Hope 

[Hope67]

I'm back, will try to write something. 

I have been experiencing much more activity within different parts of me.  I've come across what I think are fire-fighter or protective parts, and one of them was quite angry with me this past couple of days - because of something I'd done which I'd not really checked with parts that it was ok to do - hence there was anger from a part that I'd not realised was there before, but it made me realise I was getting closer to exiles, and therefore it's feeling less safe for the protector parts.

I've also found that my experience of temperature is more interesting than I originally realised - I typically don't feel much - e.g. I can get into extremely hot baths and not feel the heat of the water - but during the night, I've noticed that there have been distinct feelings that parts are activated in my dreams, and on those occasions I've been experiencing a lot of intense physiological activity, and I've been semi-awake/asleep and noticed that I am incredibly hot - i.e. I feel very hot - my partner verifies this as he sometimes comments that I am like an intense radiator of heat at night - but only at specific times.  I was going to write about this in another part of the forum, to see what others think, but then I wasn't sure where to put it, and then I felt like I couldn't write about it - but I'm managing to write it now.

Glad to be writing... 

I think the other thing that has really unsettled my mind is that I watched three parts of a documentary about a Cult - it was called 'The Family' and it was based on a sect/cult who operated in Australia in the 1970's and forward into the other decades.  I admit I have a fascination for watching things about cults or sects because I relate to the experiences that the members talk about - I really feel like I relate to them. 

I think I've frightened myself, or maybe some parts of myself through doing this - I didn't watch the episodes back to back, it was over the past three or four nights, but I wanted to watch them all, and feelings have stayed with me. 

I'm also aware that there's a part of me that is wanting me to disconnect and stop communicating with people - and I think it wants me to pull back and hide - it reminds me of when I was a child, and I ended up spending time in a long box (I think the box was for a large toy, and I fitted in there very well and would stay there in the dark - it seemed safer in there).    Maybe that part told me to do that, and now it wants me to hide again.

But I am also keen to experience the light of life, and live my life, and so I have another part of myself that says I want to connect and live life.  I can see that it's not healthy to cut myself off and hide away. 

I remember last night that I experienced the anger of the part who was angry with me, and I did try to communicate with that part, and said I was sorry for the thing that I'd done without properly getting support or agreement from that part to do - and I did feel that the part softened and that was good to know that it listened to me.

I noticed that quite a few people talked about 'The Secret Garden' and I really would like to open a topic to discuss it there, because those words that people said about it, they are so meaningful and I might ask if I could collate the comments and put them in that topic, if people didn't mind - I think Blueberry, Notalone and Woodsgnome all mentioned things about it, and I love that book so much - I've still not managed to read it.  I might message them to ask if I can quote what they said, and open that topic up - as I really value that book and related to the characters.

I think I feel quite fragmented at the moment, hence kind of wanting to put things together in a constructed way - but it's over-whelming - and therefore feels out of control, and I guess I don't like that feeling.

As I wrote that, I felt my whole stomach churned!  It felt like it turned over.  I felt sick and nauseous.  It feels like I've been hit in the stomach.  I feel that's very visceral and strong.  My throat also feels tighter.

Whilst it's over-whelming, I also feel that 'feeling' things is better than how it used to be - I rarely felt things, and I was numb and often dissociated, so this is different, and it's ok.  I'm doing ok.

I am glad to have written something, and I need to go now.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope, glad you were able to write. You have a lot going on with all your parts, your feelings, and your thoughts. It is a lot to process.

Regarding, The Secret Garden, you are welcome to quote me on anything I said about the book. 

[Blueberry]

You're welcome to quote me on The Secret Garden too. I'm sure you could open a discussion on the book as it pertains to you and/or us and cptsd on The Cafe board at least.

[woodsgnome]

  Yes, you also have permission to reference any observations I've made concerning the book. I only recently read it, then watched a series that BBC originally aired in 1975 based on it. There are others but most reviewers say that the 1975 version hews closest to the original book, an opinion with which I concur.

The book made such an impression on me that it became the centrepoint of today's therapy session. Although a voracious reader, I'm rarely as struck as I have been by 'The Secret Garden.'

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry you encountered an angry firefighter, Hope. I found a firefighter last week (?) and it was a bit disconcerting. I guess it's better to know that it's there? Well done for communicating with that part. Excellent news that it listened to you and responded.

Take care, Hope. Sending you hugs and support.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone, Blueberry & Woodsgnome - thank you all for allowing me to quote your comments about The Secret Garden - I am looking forward to doing that, and will put a post in the Cafe area when I do it.  I feel like Little Hope (aged maybe about 8 to 10 years old) is keen for me to do this, it feels like she is driving me to do it, and that it means a lot to her.  So thank you for the opportunity to put the comments together in one place.  It makes me and Little Hope very happy!

Hi Snowdrop - yes, firefighters are disconcerting, I felt quite afraid of mine, in terms of the anger expressed by her, but I'm feeling better about it now - and accepting of the fact she's around, as I know she has been helping me in my life at various stages and moments.  Also, knowing she listened when I apologised to her for not keeping her on board with what I was doing. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

18th June 2020
I just put together the comments about 'The Secret Garden' and it's in a thread in the Cafe area:
https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13519.0
Hope 

[Hope67]

19th June 2020
I am feeling quite insecure today, and quite emotional.  The last few days have felt a lot more intense from the point of view of different parts of myself being activated, and also discovering parts that might be either protectors and/or firefighters, and this makes me realise that I'm not really sure which is which, and that there's still a foggy aspect to identifying my parts and relating to them. 

I've felt as if there's an angry part that doesn't want me to engage in anything, wants me to withdraw from lots of things in my life, and shut myself away, and I am actively resisting that, as I am beginning to 'feel' more things, and process more things, and because of that I've discovered some nicer feelings that I'd shut away for quite some time - occasionally I have moments when I feel those feelings, and they are definitely things I want to experience more of.

I've also been considering trying to get back in contact with a family member whom I'd previously sent a facebook friendship request to, but never knew if that person had even seen it, as I don't know if they ever wanted to ignore it, respond to it, or if they just didn't see it.  I've discovered that they are online and write a blog, and so now I'm wondering about trying to make a comment on their blog to try to engage them - but at the same time, I don't want to be a pest, and so there's a dilemma about that.  I've never met that relative - possibly seen them once in my life from a distance, but not sure if it was his younger brother or himself that I saw.  Feeling a bit apprehensive therefore about whether to make another attempt to contact - my last contact (the facebook friendship request) was probably a year or two ago now.   

Whilst I think of it, these are some things I want to consider going forward, in my new journal (which I hope to start before June is over):

Trying to understand my immense trigger of 'goodbyes/changes/endings/transitions' - and why that is so painful for me
Trying to pacify the angry part of myself that has been triggered recently, and find out what exile that part is protecting or fire-fighting
Get a better balance between different aspects of my life
I've been looking around more at supportive articles on CSA and incest and begun to look in supportive resources that are set up for these areas.

I met up with a friend yesterday, and was able to be more open about my personal feelings about things, which perhaps normally I'd keep to myself, and I was tearful, and so was she, but it was a very special experience to feel more mutual support, and I felt like that was really positive.

I seem to have tinnitus in both ears at the moment!  I normally only have it in my left ear.

That very scared part of me, that I felt at the start of writing this, seems to have gone away, and I feel a bit better in myself just now, so writing this has been helpful.

Actually right now, at this moment, I actually feel quite hopeful.  I hope this feeling stays.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I find it hard to differentiate between different types of protectors as well. I know that I've sometimes misidentified them. I think it's something that gets easier with practice though.

Regardless of what type of part it is, the angry part sounds important. I'm glad the scared part has calmed down, and you've discovered nicer feelings.

Sending love and hugs to you. You're doing brilliantly.

[Blueberry]

I met up with a friend yesterday, and was able to be more open about my personal feelings about things, which perhaps normally I'd keep to myself, and I was tearful, and so was she, but it was a very special experience to feel more mutual support, and I felt like that was really positive.

That sounds like a lot of progress, Hope! I'm really happy for you.   

Actually right now, at this moment, I actually feel quite hopeful. 

[Not Alone]

I've also been considering trying to get back in contact with a family member whom I'd previously sent a facebook friendship request to, but never knew if that person had even seen it, as I don't know if they ever wanted to ignore it, respond to it, or if they just didn't see it.  I've discovered that they are online and write a blog, and so now I'm wondering about trying to make a comment on their blog to try to engage them - but at the same time, I don't want to be a pest, and so there's a dilemma about that.  I've never met that relative - possibly seen them once in my life from a distance, but not sure if it was his younger brother or himself that I saw.  Feeling a bit apprehensive therefore about whether to make another attempt to contact - my last contact (the facebook friendship request) was probably a year or two ago now.   

I frequently delete all my "social" emails without looking at them. I also don't pay attention on Facebook regarding friend requests very often. That could possibly be the case with the person you referenced.