Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you're OK, Hope. I hear you. <makes you cup of tea>

[Tee]

  I'm glad your ok. You can only do what you can do.  One step at a time.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop - thanks for those cups of tea, just what I needed. 

Hi Tee - thank you - one step at a time is such a great thing - and thanks for the hug 

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Journal Entry on 14th August 2019

I still feel very exhausted, and I don't really know where to start, so I'll just say - it's been tough.  But I'm ok, and I'm just wishing that I'd taken more notes as things went on, and days went by - because I've felt as if I've lost time, and lost days, and I was scared, and feared I wasn't coping.  My partner is here, and he's been amazing, but I've worried about leaning on him too much, although he assures me he's ok and I think all of this has meant we're closer than before, and we were already close. 

I'm taking it one step at a time, and I'm feeling better - more like myself - I know that my littles were scared, and some were angry, and some were holding other emotions - and I feel like I know them better than I did before - my relationships with them are developing. 

I feel like I've got some insights now.  More than before.

But I want to try to calm all my inner selves before exploring further - because I know that it was too much, and I nearly tipped the balance too far in the other direction, and I was scared of what I saw.

I wanted to say that I was able to come here and read what people were writing - and I remember reading something that someone called Sunflower said - about building sand castles and playing there - and I think that was in the Healing Porch - and I very nearly went there - to spend time there, as it sounded so nice - but the feeling over-whelmed me - as my littles have never let me get there - but I was close to going.  That is positive - in my mind - and I want to go forward and be more authentic and live life in a more open way, and feel emotions and be in the moment, rather than my previous patterns - and my dissociating. 

Yes, I can function better now.  My brain was terrible - in that I was doing all kinds of things that I couldn't control, and I was also acting out - and didn't feel like myself - and I lost time.  But I'm ok.

I'm here, and thank you - this is a sanctuary.   

I want to write about some things that happened, and I will - but I'm going to take my time, as I am keen to keep this feeling of normality that I feel just now - it wasn't accessible for a while, and I felt out of control and vulnerable.

I feel safer now, and more grounded and I am so thankful.

Hope 

[sunflower38]

 

[Tee]

  I'm glad your feeling more grounded. Your journey is not a race take your time and go at your own pace that you can feel comfortable and grounded is good too.  Glad to see you back.

[Hope67]

16th August ___
I wrote quite a lot, and then my partner came to talk to me, and somehow I lost the whole thing!  I feel maybe that was for the best, as I was a bit hyper - and writing a lot.  But I feel annoyed that I lost it too. 

What I do know is that my emotions are so on the surface, and I am FEELING more - even the temperature of water is something I can feel now.

I'd like to write a lot more - that's how I feel at the moment, but the opportunity isn't there - or I feel shamed to write - but I also feel that I need to write.  So I will be back and hope to write more then.

My emotions are all over the place in a way, but I actually feel as if it's a good thing, as I can finally feel things properly - and I want to continue to do so, even though it's very painful in many respects.

I'm re-processing memories in my head, and I can 'see' them much clearer now.  Taking different perspectives, and understanding that bit more.

((((Note - I want to talk about something very upsetting, and I hope to do so - but I'm not sure if I'll be able to))))

Must go now.

Hope 

[Tee]

  here for you Hope!

[Not Alone]

 

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you're making great progress Hope, good job! Talk/write when you're ready.

[Hope67]

Tee, Notalone & Jazzy - thank you all so much 

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17th August 2019
I am taking things a day at a time, and moment by moment, and trying to pace myself - because I've been very hyper and out of my comfort zone regarding my emotions, but the thing is I'm feeling more things. 

I have quite a few things I need to get through this weekend, but I think it will be ok.  Next week I will have some time available to hopefully focus on things more, and I would value the opportunity to write about things, in a way that feels paced and measured as opposed to out of control, so that's my intention - to do that.

I feel like I'm ready to write some 'letters to' kind of posts - as that might help free me up and calm down my different parts.  I want to acknowledge all the emotions and feelings that have surfaced, because they are all meaningful.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

[Tee]

 

[Not Alone]

Your emotions and feelings are meaningful, important, and deserve to be heard and acknowledged.

[Hope67]

Thanks everyone.

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18th August 2019
Thankfully I'm feeling more normal (whatever that is) just now, as I need to attend a social thing, and I feel like I've got an adult part in control right now who will hopefully help me cope with this. 

I feel more centred generally again - I think I'm out of most of the EF's - although I'm not sure - there are some changes that I'm finding quite challenging still.  But I will be hoping to talk about things in the various parts of this forum, and it will be good to get them out in a safe place, and seek validation. 

So thank you in advance, everyone, because without you - I wouldn't be brave enough.  I believe that this support is invaluable to me.

Must go now.
Hope 

[sunflower38]

I'm sending good wishes and strength to you in your challenges You're so brave, Hope!!