Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Jazzy]

So glad you're feeling better Hope! Take care!

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you've come through the other side. Taking time to settle sounds good.

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope
Good to catch up on your journal, I've a basically skimmed through and was thankful for your compassion and awareness of your parts /littles, it was a good reminder for me, just yesterday my therapist was telling me to be compassionate to a part of myself I'm struggling with. (A lot) instead I've been trying to push it away.
I've missed you
Xo wb

[Hope67]

Hi everyone,
I am happy to be feeling somewhat better than I was over the previous weeks, because it was very draining and I worried myself.  Thank you to everyone who has replied to me here - and Wattlebird - I missed you as well - and I'm glad you're back, and I'd like to wish you the best with being compassionate to a part of yourself, as I think that's a challenging thing to do, but worthwhile, and here's to us both trying to do that.  I have also felt that I've pushed things away or repressed them, or not wanted to look at them sometimes, and yet communicating with parts - it does help, even though it's hard to do.  I am very grateful to the fact you have been doing that kind of thing, as it has been helpful to me.   

*******
30th August 2019
I came here at this moment as I feel a sense of unrest within myself, and a feeling of some kind of grief hanging over me.  Almost as if there is a part of myself that is very upset, and I am not sure why.  I am also very hot as the weather is hot and I am struggling with that.  I am trying to keep hydrated and I always think of SanMagic's great advice on that.  I am trying to keep hydrated.

This recent week has been tough as my partner ended up talking to me about how my behaviour in recent weeks had made him feel, and I hadn't realised how much I'd impacted on him, and it made me feel very bad.  It had been tough for him.  I hadn't realised how much.  But normally I try to keep myself together to ensure that things are nicer for other people, and I recognise the codependant aspects of myself in doing that.  But in recent weeks I wasn't able to hold myself together, and I was coming apart at the seams (or so it felt in many ways) and so I wasn't as in control as I might appear to be, on the outside, and I was vulnerable and I felt weak. 

I am relieved that my partner was able to talk to me about his feelings, and that we've got through that ok, but at the same time, I felt guilty for throwing him off balance, and for making him feel fearful etc.

I have to go, as I can hear him coming.  But I hope to come back and talk more over the weekend about these things.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

It's a beautiful thing when two people can work together to bring honesty, balance and mutual respect into their relationship. I'm inspired by this post! Thanks, Hope, and a gentle nurturing to you if that's okay.

[Jazzy]

Glad you're feeling better Hope, and its good you were able to talk things through with your partner. I hope the guilty feeling doesn't become too much of a problem for you. Take care!

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses & Jazzy,
Thank you both 

***********
1st September 2019
It seems strange to see 'September' already - it's like time has gone extra fast this past month, I feel as if the month lasted forever in some ways, and yet in others it's like it sped by and I didn't know where it all went.  I feel like I've emerged from the events of the last few weeks almost as if I've shed a skin - like a butterfly emerging from a cacoon, and being fragile when first tasting the air outside, and not knowing quite how to fly.  Taking tentative steps, and feeling a bit weak and uncertain.

At the same time, I do sense that things have changed, and that there have been adjustments and changes within myself, and within my parts.  My relationship with them is different, and I want to be able to express the differences and maybe talk about them more, in my Journal and maybe in other parts of this forum too, and I hope that I'll be able to allow myself to do that over the coming month.

I was reading a book yesterday by Brene Brown called 'The Gifts of Imperfection, and there were a few words within that book that were very helpful to me, and I want to quote them, so I don't forget them:

Brene Brown wrote: "Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story.  It hates having words wrapped around it - it can't survive being shared.  Shame loves secrecy.  The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story.  When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.  I remember saying out loud: "I need to talk to someone RIGHT NOW.  Be brave, Brene! 
She goes on to say:
"But here's he tricky part about compassion and connecting: We can't call just anyone.  It's not that simple.  I have a lot of good friends, but there are only a handful of people whom I can count on to practice compassion when I'm in the dark shame place.  If she share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.  We want solid connection in a situation like this - something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground."

Brene then goes through a whole list of reactions from friends that might not be helpful, and at the end, she says this:
"When we're looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, able to bend, and, most of all, we need someone who embraces us for our strengths and struggles.  We need to honour our struggle by sharing it with someone who has earned the right to hear it.  When we're looking for compassion, it's about connecting with the right person at the right time about the right issue."

Anyway, I'm finding the book quite useful and uplifting so far.  Brene Brown was an academic who did a lot of research into shame and I just stumbled across her book whilst in an online library called Libby - so that's how I found it, I didn't need to buy - I can just read it online, and that's nice.

I admit I've been a bit apprehensive to go back to any of the self-help books I've read previously at the moment, because I want to just centre myself and I hope to feel a bit stronger before attempting more self-help.  So Brene's book seemed like a nice option to read, and I'm just reading a little each day.  I only started her book yesterday - and I've only read a few pages, but it seems like a book that I will enjoy and get something out of it.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.

I can relate to that so much. It sounds like a useful book to read.

I love your butterfly analogy. So beautiful, and a new beginning. 

[woodsgnome]

 I also easily relate to these observations and then some. Sadly, this only reinforces the loneliness aspect, while it also alerts one to the complexity of this mess we know as cptsd. We yearn to trust, then learn we can't risk it either. So many what/ifs in all of this, made doubly difficult by wanting to reach out, always wondering what the reaction might be and ... will it hurt, all over again? Then comments like 'just get over it' pours salt on the wounds. Back to loneliness.

In the end, the wisest choice seems to the butterfly analogy. Thanks for your commentary, Hope. 

[Tee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop, Woodsgnome & Tee,
Thank you all 
I'll take the 'butterfly analogy' and will try to fly with it today.   

Hope 

[Hope67]

3rd September __
I'm ok so far - although events from the weekend are still in my mind, as I had a bit of an argument with a family member of my partner, and it has annoyed me and I feel like I can't get past it at the moment, but I'll do my best to put it behind me. 
Regarding my inner parts, I feel as if there are older parts with me now - relating to my adolescence and my early 20's, and I guess the ages are around 12 through till 19 years, and memories from that time in my life are surfacing more.  I also feel like I have more anger with me.  Like an angry part is there. 
I feel as if I want to do some 'letters to' but at the same time, I fear what I might say if I started to write one of those letters.  Normally I feel like I can't get the words out, but I'm wondering if maybe I can now, and then I might say something that I'd regret, so that's a dilemma.  Maybe that's what holds me back.  But I feel like I'm on the cusp of 'getting there' to write something, to express some feelings, to get them out.  I hope to try to do that - maybe later in the week, depending on how I feel.

There are also flashes from younger parts too - who remind me that they're there.  So I am mindful not to forget them, to remember there are many parts of me, who want to be heard and want to stay with me.  I am grateful to them all, because they have helped me get through life, and I want to ensure I don't leave them behind on this journey forward.  I know they are scared of that, and so I want to reassure them, it's ok, we're in this together, and it's going to be ok. 

Hope 

[Three Roses]

it's ok, we're in this together, and it's going to be ok. 

And we are here with you, too. 

[Jazzy]

You could always write a letter out, but keep it to yourself if you are afraid of the consequences of someone else reading it. Sometimes it can be helpful just to write out what you are feeling.

[Tee]