Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses - your care and compassion really touched me - thank you.  I realise that in reading and empathising with the lonely orphaned girl in the book, that I am connecting with that part of myself that was lonely and isolated in my early childhood, and I have been reminding myself that people do care about her, and therefore people do care about me.  That is helping me in my attempts to re-parent myself and bring all my parts along to know they are all valued.  Thank you 

Hi Marta - thank you for sharing your experience of 'The Secret Garden' and I related to what you said.  I also appreciate the love and the hug  and Little Hope likes the blanket and the gentle hug.

Hi Jazzy - Yes, my head is feeling much better now.  I think you could be right about it being a physical sign of too much stress - I had been overdoing things on the reading front.  I did manage to write what I wanted to write to Sceal, and thank you for your supportive comment about that. 

29th May 2020
I feel ready to start my new Journal - but still haven't quite decided on the title of it, so once I manage to find something that I like, I will start it.  I feel like I've made a few 'realisations' this past few days, and would like to be able to reflect on them - so I might add a few of those to the end of this journal, if I'm able to do that.  Maybe sometime on the weekend, but I'm not putting any pressure on myself.  Just want to remind myself that I would ideally like to capture those reflections, rather than lose them to the part that sometimes rubs things out!

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope, I loved "The Secret Garden" as a child. I still have the book and re-read it often. Idk if I saw myself in Mary as a child, I don't think so, but I loved the mystery and the garden awakening.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I am enjoying reading 'The Secret Garden' again - I think it's a long time since I read it.  Thanks for what you said, and I'm looking forward to the garden awakening - that's a lovely way to describe it. 

I've been thinking about what aspects of the character's situation resonates with me, and I think it's the fact that no one in her family had communicated anything meaningful to her - and I relate to that.  Also, I notice that I must have been looking at her experiences as a young child and thinking that I could emulate her - i.e. I think it was the gift of the skipping rope she got that made me seek to have a skipping rope to play with myself.  I can't be sure of my memories about that.

I'm finding it helpful as I read the book, and when I feel the younger parts of me responding to the content of the book, and then I can use my adult self to reassure and protect the isolated younger part of myself - and that's been helpful. 

Thanks Blueberry, for commenting as it made me more thoughtful about the character in the book, and my empathy with her.   

***
29th May 2020
So I have been getting in touch with other parts of myself which I think are beginning to show me other parts of my memories, and I keep feeling as if I'm on the edge of discovering something that is important, but at the same time, I feel as if it's just 'out of reach' and out of consciousness, so it feels tantalisingly close, but yet also quite far away. 

I've been triggered by quite a few things that I've been reading in the media and news at the moment, and I think those things really frightened a part of me which is hypervigilant to danger and I know I was dreaming quite a lot last night, but I couldn't recall the content of the dreams.  I woke up feeling very heavy and drained, and also as if I was carrying a lot of emotion - but I couldn't relate to why or where those feelings had come from.  I can only assume it was related to the content of my dreams.

During part of the day yesterday I felt very much happier in myself - excited infact about some things, and it felt like there was a young and enthusiastic part of me that was alive and happy.  But it didn't stay that long - but it was great whilst I felt those things. 

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

So I have been getting in touch with other parts of myself which I think are beginning to show me other parts of my memories, and I keep feeling as if I'm on the edge of discovering something that is important, but at the same time, I feel as if it's just 'out of reach' and out of consciousness, so it feels tantalisingly close, but yet also quite far away.

This happens to me too! You've described it brilliantly, Hope.

I know what you mean about being triggered by the media and news at the moment. There's been a lot of anger and outrage over the past week about one particular story. Maybe a part has picked up on that anger and feels threatened?

I'm glad you felt so great for part of yesterday. I'm certain that feeling will return .

[Not Alone]

I'm glad a young Part was able to feel alive and happy. 

I think that I like The Secret Garden so much because the thought of a pretty, safe place sounds wonderful. Also, the three children in the story are very unique and they come together and are accepting of each other just as they are and develop special friendships. I am looking forward to hearing any thoughts you choose to share as you get further into the book.

[Hope67]

Dear Snowdrop & Dear Notalone,
Thank you both for what you wrote.  I really appreciate it.  I will hope to return to what you each said, when I get out of an EF I am currently in, but I wanted you to both know I appreciate what you said.
Hope 

2nd June 2020
I have been highly triggered and in an undulating EF - i.e. which seems to have peaks and crescendos, depending on various triggers that I've been having during the day.  There are quite a few stressful things going on today - and I'm negotiating my way through the day.

I had a really bad event in the night, where I screamed (or thought I had) in my sleep, and came into contact with a very distraught and distressed emotion, but have no idea what had happened to cause that feeling - but it was so horrible, and I thought I'd screamed and then cried out 'I can't do that, I can't do that' and then been in tears, and I thought I was actually crying.  My partner asked me if I remembered 'what happened last night' when I woke this morning, and so I told him about what I'd remembered.  He told me that I hadn't screamed, but I had been incredibly upset and that he had ended up getting upset himself in the course of trying to calm me down.  He said he'd not seen me 'so upset' before - and it was upsetting for him. 

I think that has affected me throughout the entire day, and I feel tearful and upset when I think of this.

The stressful events of the day relate to another person who is requiring various help from us, and we are doing our best to meet the expectations and needs of this, and it's tough.  That person is quite elderly and needs some help, but I think the assistance in this way is making me feel incredibly guilty feelings about the fact I don't assist or have contact with my FOO - even though I just can't countenance any contact and indeed, feel it's safer for my healthy and well-being not to have any further contact with them.  There's a part of me that fears that they will be in need, and that I should help them.  There's a part of me that feels incredibly guilty about the fact I wasn't able to continue contact and somehow sort things out.  But there are other parts of me that know I couldn't do that, and I need to try not to be affected too much by the guilty feelings.

It is helping to write something here, I had been experiencing heightened anxiety and horrible feelings, and the act of writing this here, it's already calming me.  Just communicating this here, to people I know understand, that helps.

My partner is also stressed out - as the elderly person is related to him - and we have been talking about our feelings to each other, and trying to support each other with this. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  

[Jazzy]

I hope the EF passes soon. That sounds like a nasty night. I think the night and day feed each other, bad sleep causing stress, stress causing bad sleep. I'm sure you will work things out though. Its really tough to fight the feelings that we "need to help", as we have been brainwashed to do. Like you said, you are doing what is best for you, and that comes first. I know that feeling well, and hope you can find some peace with it. Hang in there, and things will get better. All the best!

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry  and thank  you so much.  Those hugs helped a lot. 

Dear Jazzy, Thanks for your supportive words - they helped me.   

3rd June 2020
It's been an exhausting day - quite a lot going on, and I'm feeling exhausted.  My partner told me that I had leapt up in bed last night and had nearly 'run off' (as he described it), but thankfully I'd not leapt off the bed and had just sat up for a while and then went back to sleep.  I don't remember that incident, except that I felt incredibly de-hydrated and had to drink water.  When I'd drunk the water I imagined that the water was getting into every cell of my body, and that it was going to soothe and comfort me, and somehow that thought was very calming, and helped me to sleep again. 

I have some nicer things planned for tomorrow - so I'm hoping to have a more relaxing day.  Not putting any pressure on myself to do anything extra, and hoping that the day will enable me to accomplish that.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

  ❤️

[Not Alone]

You've had some really tough nights. 

[Hope67]

Thanks Three Roses and Notalone 

I slept better last night. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Glad you slept better.

[Jazzy]

Glad to hear you slept better last night. Hopefully it keeps up!

[owl25]

Hi Hope, that sounds like some really good self-care, not an easy thing for many of us. I hope you had a good day today as planned.