Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Not Alone]

18th August 2019
Thankfully I'm feeling more normal (whatever that is) just now, as I need to attend a social thing, and I feel like I've got an adult part in control right now who will hopefully help me cope with this. 

Glad for you about that. The social functions can be stressful and when the littles are present, it can feel overwhelming and even terrifying. Hope adult you was able to stay present and you were able to enjoy your time.

[Hope67]

The social functions can be stressful and when the littles are present, it can feel overwhelming and even terrifying. Hope adult you was able to stay present and you were able to enjoy your time.

Hi Sunflower, and Hi Notalone, thank you both 

Notalone - I found what you wrote to be very helpful, thank you. 

*************
18th August __

I am feeling quite spaced out and high.  I have got through my social things, and I've got through the week, but I feel like I'm on a level that is not connected - disconnected.  I can't explain it easily.  It's like a manic kind of feeling, and I need to centre myself.

I'll be ok though, as I am now able to hopefully relax - with no more social things to have to go through for a little while, and I also have some time off as well - a few days ahead of time to hopefully focus on calming and helping all my littles to settle.

My intention is to write some things here tomorrow - I hope that I can do that.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

  Take care of yourself and your Littles, dear Hope.

[Tee]

  take care yourself.  Hope you can re center and find some peace.

[Snowdrop]

Well done for getting through the social things. I hope you feel settled again soon. 

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses, Tee & Snowdrop - thank you so much 

***********
19th August __

Three Roses, I hope you don't mind, but something you said to another post I'd made was so relevant to me, that I'm copying and quoting you here in my journal - you said:

I've had something similar to what you describe happen in the dead of night - it looks different in the light of day, tho, as you say - it always seems to happen when I'm deeply shaken about something... maybe an uncovered memory, or an argument, or how I feel when I think someone disapproves of me. Sorry you're going thru this. 

I had been talking about the de-realization and paranoid thoughts I've been having, particularly at night, but to be honest in the daytime too lately!  But I am calmer today - and there was a manic hyper aspect to my behaviour, which I felt sure was obvious to everyone around me, but I think in reality that they just thought I was being more open and they seemed to like that in me - so I think it's paranoia on my part that I fear how I'll come across.

But Three Roses, what you said here - about triggers for such things affecting you - and those being:

"an uncovered memory, or an argument, or how I feel when I think someone disapproves of me."


All of those things are spot on for me - they have directly contributed to this - I have had a massive uncovered memory - and I need to talk about it - and I feel as if I can do that today - but I'll see how it goes.  I need to put it in the diary where I talk about CSA, as it's relevant there, and I prefer to separate things from my Journal, as it helps contain the triggers for me and for others (I think) - but I don't know.  Anyway, I'm trying to write unedited today.

There's been some arguments amongst people at work - and I've been deeply affected by these at so many levels - and it's been difficult.  (I also have a lot of shame about work) - that's another area I want to talk about and open up more, but I feel ashamed about it, so I don't. 

The third thing you mentioned, Three Roses, was 'when I think someone disapproves of me' - and yes, that's relevant to me and my thoughts this past few weeks - I fear disapproval and I feel it. 

There are more factors too - I was over-whelmed when I tried to watch the Healing videos from a particular online University - for some reason my littles made me think I couldn't afford it - that it would be hundreds of dollars, when infact it was less than 30 dollars (when I finally managed to work out how much it cost) and by that time I'd binge watched a lot of them, and I ended up over-whelmed, and that's when I was beginning to try some techniques at night, and that's when I got the recovered memory - which I hope to talk about in the CSA section) - but the impact was that I just felt flooded with feelings, angst, so many things.


I then feared whether I'd cope, and I thought about contacting psychiatric services of some kind - but I have a fear of even my doctor - who I haven't even met my new one yet - I've changed doctors - I got to see a nurse the last time, and my blood pressure went off the scale just being there with her.  I felt ashamed, but she was very nice.


Other things were that my partner is home at the moment as he's on his holidays for the summer, and we were trying to do some de-cluttering - which is something that I struggle with massively.  So things went faster than I wanted them to, and then I felt as if I was replicating a dream I'd had (where I'm surrounded by belongings and trying to pack to move) - and it felt horrible and I felt like I regressed to a very small helpless child.  I literally had a meltdown infront of him, but thankfully he understands me, and knows I have littles who feel helpless, and he was lovely and he comforted me.

I had also seen the skirt that my M had given me - the one I find hard to throw away - he tried to encourage me to throw it away, but I couldn't do it.  I explained to him that the feelings are too complicated surrounding it.


Finally, there was a large bag of tablets that I'd had - from a few years ago when I was given numerous kinds of anti-depressants etc - and I've kept them in a bag, and it was shocking to see all the different kinds.  I need to take them to a chemist to get rid of them, but again, I'm ashamed somehow - I worry what they'll think when they see them. 

I live in an isolated place really - and so things like this seem very over-whelming sometimes.

I know all of these things probably sound ridiculous in many ways, but it's really got on top of me, and I have found it very difficult to cope.

The other thing is that I keep thinking about my sister, and she has a Birthday coming up, and I tell my partner that I feel guilty for not sending her a card, and yet I'm estranged from her, and haven't even seen her since I was aged 6 years old.  So this guilt, what is it about?  He said I couldn't easily have a relationship with her, and I've tried by E-mail, and it didn't work out.

I can see I'm writing as a younger child somehow - because I feel like I'm younger as I write this, but I know I'm a whole person.


Thanks for the encouragement (everyone in this forum) for getting through the social things - I did manage it, and I feel like I'm being more open to people in interactions, and thankfully I've held it together enough not to appear too weird.  I think so anyway.


I feel upset inside now - it's like parts of me are wailing.  So I guess they're not all that pleased that I'm writing, but I can also feel other parts of me settling, and knowing that it's ok to write this here.


I'll come back later - hopefully and write more.

I'm surprised how much I have written, and glad I agreed not to edit this.

Hope 

[Tee]

  Hope you are working so hard to put things to right. Step by step I can see such great strides.  I wish I could give you a really big hug. . It's hard to feel alone and like no one really gets it.

My T says that people me because I'm honest, and real?  When I was split and Pollyanna was out more she said she was nice but there was something not quite right there.
I think normal people seeing other quircks or imperfections it puts them at ease.  Where I was I raised that imperfection meant trash and should be treated as such. So like you said it is our twisted perspectives from our FOO that we must fight against not our current friends and family.

Thank you for writing big hug of hope and courage as you continue today Hope.

[Three Roses]

I know all of these things probably sound ridiculous in many ways

Nope, they don't! It all sounds pretty overwhelming really, how much pressure you currently have.

You're so compassionate to others here, I hope you give yourself the same compassionate regard today. 

[Hope67]

Hello Tee, and Three Roses,
Thank you both so much.   

***********
Back again, and I am feeling a bit better - I've been trying to do some self care and trying to relax.  I've had a bath and a sleep and a cup of herbal tea, and I feel better.  I think I need to try to do more of this, because my system has been on over-drive, and whilst I was in a shop this morning, I was feeling panicky, and over-whelmed, and I can't go out without lists to remind me of what I need to get as my brain isn't working properly, so I'm going to try hard to relax so that I get my brain power back again.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Chance to write a bit more - I've been playing music - trying to hear different things, songs I've not heard before, plus some old ones from the 1980's - evocative when I hear those.

Ironically I just had to turn off the track, as it was too busy and loud - a modern song that wasn't my taste.  Now there is quiet.  But that's ok.

I think that there's an adolescent part of me that has woken up, and she's been with me this past few days - and she is the one who swears quite a bit and holds a lot of anger, but she wasn't allowed to express that - and she's been holding it in.  But she's letting it out quite a bit in the past few days, and I've ended up screaming out loud sometimes, especially if I've dropped something, and my partner was worried about me today - but I've tried to reassure him that I'm ok.

But the adolescent part has a bad streak in her as well - so I am going to have to be careful that she doesn't act out too much.  It's behaviour I've seen in myself in the past, and particularly when I've been feeling out of sorts with myself, and stressed out.  So I'm going to be wary and make sure that part of me doesn't affect me and make me do things that I will then regret.  I am pretty sure that the adult part of me is in control of things, but I have been concerned about how things have been this past few days.

But right now, at this moment, I feel quite a lot better.  Probably because of the bath, the sleep, the herbal tea, and the fact things are quiet now and I'm alone. 

****Trigger words as mentioning things related to CSA
I can't bring myself to go into the other part of the forum to write this, and I feel like I can write it here, in my Journal - so I will.  I had been watching one of the Healing videos in a recent online conference and it was by Pat Ogden I think, but I had also watched quite a few of the other ones, and as a result, I'd tried when asleep to put a few things that were suggested into place, and communicate with my inner children/parts, and also feel where my emotions lay in my body.

During my sleep - I experienced what can only be described as a very violent thrusting action, and I saw at the same time a visual of a phallic thing, and I felt as if my insides were tiny and being torn in two (this upsets me a lot as I write this).  The physical pain that accompanied this was like nothing I've experienced before, I really felt it.  It woke me up, and I was shocked by it.  It made me wonder if I had been raped as a young child.  I don't know.

The physical feeling remained with me for 2 whole days - I felt as if my stomach had been thumped significantly and it was feeling very bruised, and I struggled to eat as much, and I struggled to sleep.

****End of Trigger warning

I've been able to say this in the light of day, and it's felt ok - I am now quite distant in my emotions.  I am glad I've written it out.

I have been reading information about women's issues, and I noticed it said that sometimes a woman's pelvic floor can drop, and fall into another part of her body - and I then wondered if maybe I had experienced that - because the other thing that happened in those next couple of days was that I was literally
***trigger warning again here
I was literally experiencing poo coming out of my back passage, as it if was diarrhoea, and that happened for a couple of days, whilst I had the bruised feeling.
**end of trigger warning.

I am feeling much better physically - that experience happened for those two days, and since I recovered, I'm back to normal again, so maybe it was something else entirely.

That was what worried me about the experience, I discovered more than I bargained for, but at the same time, I don't know quite how to make sense of what happened.

I know the Body Keeps the Score - and mine clearly holds quite a lot.  I am honoured that my littles and parts are beginning to allow me to communicate with them, and I believe that they will tell me more - but at the same time, I think I reassured them that I was 'sufficiently ok' to hear those things, and maybe I wasn't ready for what they showed me there.

I have got a back-up plan with regard to a T that I've seen in the past, whom I could go to see if I feel I should.  But I want to hold back, as I do feel like I'm feeling better - and less desperate - i.e. more grounded.

I'm not sure the T would be the right person for me, but at least she does know me, and I did trust her. 

(((The thing I feel ashamed about - is what I'm going to say now)))

I am ashamed that I have pretended/lied about getting paid employment - the truth is I am doing voluntary work, and I wanted to feel better in myself by saying it was paid - so that's what I did - pretended I'd had an interview and stuff like that, because it was to help part of me feel better about myself.

But I am doing voluntary work, and even that is something I struggle with - and there have been arguments and issues amongst people there, and I have become embroiled in some of the conflicts, and it's not felt very nice.  It makes me wonder why I do it, but there are other people that I like there - and whom I want to continue doing the work.

I felt guilty for lying - but I recognised that it's a pattern for me to lie about things - like saying I'm an 'only child' when I've had a sister all my life, and other such lies that I've been made to say by FOO and I want to start being authentic and true in what I say.

Anyway, there are worse lies I could have told, I realise that, but somehow I carry things to heart too much.

I'll stop writing now, but it was good to write these things and get them out.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

Imo there's no harm in protecting yourself. The things you've said were about self protection and not designed to hurt anyone. Totally understandable, acceptable imo.

I am sad to hear about the physical symptoms you've been having, and angry that people hurt innocent children such as yourself.

You deserve health and happiness and wellness. You deserve to be free of these physical remnants. I'm standing solidly in your corner, rooting for you.

[Snowdrop]

I agree with 3R. You were protecting and shielding yourself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Completely understandable. I recognise your authenticity and bravery in speaking about it.

I'm sorry you've been going through such a rough time. I have so much admiration for you in having the courage to post about this, and I'm glad you feel better for writing. Just remember that whatever you went through, you survived. You're strong. Sending you love, support and hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i'm with everyone else in the idea that you were somehow feeling the need to protect yourself.  i admire the courage and determination you have shown here, writing this, not erasing it, letting your truth out.  letting the light shine on what we find shameful is something that helps diminish the shame.  thank you for sharing all this with us.  you are loved and cared about here.

may i also say something about the bathroom issue?  i think you may have been releasing toxins from your body.  this stuff has been poison inside us, and when we're ready, our bodies can finally eject it from where we've been holding it.  it's happened to me more than once.

sending love and a hug filled w/ peace and compassion.   

[Tee]

Hope work paid out unpaid is still work. It's still an occupation and people and animals still depend on you.  You are Courageous for spreading the truth.  I agree with the others.   

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you've been having a really rough time, but you've done great working through it! It is really commendable the way you have shared and brought forward some of the things you said you felt guilty about. Take care!